strange & beautiful SHY[ENNE]. 20. UCSC. 49ERS.

AHHHHHHHHHH MAR29TH08 // 09:49PM almost time to go so i gotta make this quick! well hawaii was soooooooooooooooooo funnnnnnnnn. it turned out to be SO much more than I expected. my mom is even talking about going back this summer! I'm bummed to be back, but it was a very sweet trip<3 ummmm well when I got back I tried hanging out with others that were back from spring break, like marissa<3333 and katiewatie<3 and cindy and mallory! ummm what else what else. oh... of course. Silas and I are talking again... what can I say... I was always a sucker for second chances =( and guess who gave me advice? Stephen! lol... but I guess I do need a change. Silas is very sweet. we'll see how it goes, and I'll give the full story on how we reconciled things once my midterm rush is over! I have midterms Monday and Thurs, then a group presentation next Wednesday and a midterm Friday! oh lord. so after I got back from Hawaii, I'd been trying to study but I just couldn't say no to partying with my old friendlies =( I know, I know. and I'm even going out tonight =( oh yeah, so my sister and her fiance broke up after 6-7 years together! and my sister's temporarily living at home which meanssssssssss tatertot has been with moose and muffin the past week! hehe. speaking of which, i brought them to the vet today to get their nails trimmed and to clean their ears. dude it cost 135 for them to clean their ears! but I have insurance for them so they have 80% coverage on it, thank god. and tonight I'm going clubbing with my friends and my brother's exgf, breigh, also an old high school friend of mine! she's so sweet, i love her. but yes, it's her event so she better make it fun. it's spring fling 80's theme hehe, i love playing dress up. i'm wearing a beaded black tutu with a black top and gold accessories cuz i'm going for the 80's pop look. anyways. tomorrow afternoon i'm going back to berkeley where I can study and concentrate! i hate coming back home, i always get so distracted. ok i'm gonna go pick up jamie and stufffffffffffff byebyes. oh yeah i was thinking of using livejournal again since they have a lotttttttt of templates... god knows I suck at making layouts so I might as well get a readily made one from livejournal... but they have ads on the journal page, and that bugs me =(... we'll seeeeeee. MSG

UPDATE AND SURVEY, JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT! MAR19TH08 // 11:12PM hello fans :) lol just kidding. wow today was such a long day and i'm soooo in need of a break so i'll give a quick and short update before I go grab some food and shower. so today was okay i guess. got my quizzes back and woohoo and what not. wasn't done with my day til 8pm =( so i had to grab dinner by myself since most everyone ate already, but its cool, i came home and ate and played with the pups. the past few hours i've been working on a problem set with my homies and class mates, even though most of the time we were watching basketball. so they left after we finished the first part and we MIGHT work on the 2nd part together tomorrow. i say might because there's a partayyyyyyyy tomorrow i'm going to lol. it's Britney Pandemic themed so i getta be britney for a night so i get to wear a see through shirt and be pantyless! haha. um anyways what else what else. so saturday early morning i'm going back to san heezy and that night me and my family (my sister yay!, mom, step dad, aunt and my two little cousins + catie) are going to catch a flight to hawaii! im so exciteddddddddddd we are staying in some resort in maui, i forgot what it's called but my mom said it's in wailea or something, i'm not sure! but im super doooooper excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. once we get back though i have to get to studying! i have 4 midterms in the first 2 weeks i get back from spring break. blahhhh cuz i was gonna go on a road trip to LA with my boyssssssss. oh well, we'll see. well here's a survey, lucky you guys! 1. Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you? I don't know. 2. What are your plans for friday? Class and work 9-5 =( but party that night. 3. Do you think you're old? HELL YEA :( I wish I could relive my youth! 3. Are you afraid of the dark? Not at home, but at other places yes. And not when I have my dogs with me. 4. Do you like your life at the moment? It's been good to me. 5. Ever talked to someone that was drunk? uh, story of my life. 6. How tall is the person you like? No person. 7. Do you have good vision? I wear contacts but it's not that bad. 8. Have you ever lost a friend? People grow apart, people change, that's life! 10. Did you have a dream last night? yeah I always dream 12. What should you really be doing right now? Shower and read and get to bed. 13. Can you handle the truth? Sure 14. What was the most recent thing you bought? Food 15. What song are you listening to now? moving mountains 16. Last person you were in the car with besides your family? Gia, Hannah and Renee 17. How often do you talk on the phone? Everyday 20. Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl? Not currently 21. What did you do today? Just class and work and study group, the usuals. 22. Name one thing that you can't live without: pets 23. Have you made a prank phone call? Haha yes. 24. Currently wanting anything? Sleep 25. Do you use chapstick? Yep 26. When was the last time you cried? Last friday haha... cuz my mom angers me! 27. Are you thinking about something right now? yeah this question 28. Do you like your hair? Yeah love it 29. Do you miss anybody? friends and family 30. Have you ever broken your arm? No, but Muffin managed to break hers 31. Full House or Brady Bunch? Ummm Brady Bunch 32. Do you have any scars? Yeah but neosporin cures all 33. Relationships or one night stands? One night stands with FRIENDS! lol just kidding. Niether. 34. Last person you text messaged? Ummmmmmmmmmmm Marc... he canceled on lunch tomorrow =( 36. Are you married? Nope 37. Do you have a friend that starts with the letter J? Too many 38. Last time you hugged someone? Who was it? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I hugged Justin when I saw him on campus... 39. What month is it? March madnessssss ncaa brackets! 40. What is on your mind? nothing i'm fuckin tired ok thats all folks gnight MSG

ANOTHER QUICK UPDATE :) MAR11TH08 // 01:33AM wow i'm being SO good with updating my journal! just wanted to say that today I came home around 6 and I let muffin outside to pee and while I was on the phone chillin at my door watching her, muffin started yelping and limping towards me... so I brought her to the berkeley vet hospital and they said she sprained her ankle... so they put a cast on her and when we got home she seemed so sad lol. but now she's walking with the cast a little. i try not to let her, especially when alex came home today and she tried to greet alex. my poor baby! today was superrrrrrrrrrrbly boring. just the usual: class, lunch, class, work, met up with partner, came home, brought muffin to vet, got dinner to go so i can eat at home and do work, went to yogurt park with alex and mark at 10, came back, did more work, showered, now i'm doing this stupid assignment thats like elementary level shit. i hate assignments that are easy points, but are stupid/pointless. i'd rather something be hard and interesting... anyways today during my stats class the fire alarm went off so we had to evacuate the building and wait across the street. it was such a beautiful dayyyy and freakin andrew left me cuz he didnt wanna wait so i went to sit down on the hearst mining circle and i was reading my notes and my burrito friend appeared and kept me company. so they let us back in the building with 15 mins of class time left... pointless. i should've left with andrew haha. see wasnt my day boring...... okay well i'm gonna finish the rest of my assignment and go to bedddddddddd. long day tomorrow... goodnight all MSG

CANNOT SLEEP, ONCE AGAIN. MAR10TH08 // 02:49AM EH, when I have time I'm gonna change the layout for this journal. It's growing way too old on me. I don't know what I'm gonna do about Silas. We argued again today. What I like about him is that he'll always admit when he's wrong and he'll apologize for it, and you know that he means it. When we were fighting today I kept telling him I don't want to be with him if I can't be myself and he said something like "but you could be such a better person, I don't know why you act the way you do" and I told him it's stupid things llike that, that he says that pisses me off. He was saying how he likes it when it's just us, but once we're in a group, I act differently... and I said well maybe it's because I'm not myself when I'm around you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god damn... so I kicked him out, but it wasn't easy. I was literally one touch (iPhone touch screen haha) away from calling him... the thing with Silas is that I know he has such high standards so when I'm with him, I guess I do try to hold myself higher, and I'm not sayin it's a bad thing, because maybe I do need to change some bad habits I have, but it's like I can't be that person 24/7... I mean this is who I was when he met me... I was taking shots with him for god sake... and maybe he's right, I'm too immature to be in a serious relationship and the reason I can't see it right now is because I'm not ready for it. I'm not gonna hold him back. sucks because I really liked him. but things never work out like they're supposed to. I'm not even gonna bother with him anymore. no one I know has ever looked at me with such disgust, the way he'd look at me sometimes. he knew me and still judged me... oh well. he's a good guy though, just not for me. anyways. I can't wait until Spring Break! Goin to Hawaii with my family + Catie. Alex said she's gonna try to get her family to go too! But yes, I'm so excited... =) until then, I'm just gonna try to catch up on some school stuff. not really behind, but I should do more of readings on time so that I don't get hella lost in lecture like I tend to do. I have like another group presentation in a week and a half but other than that, there's no midterms or tests to worry about (other than the weekly quizzes I have on wednesday for my hr class and friday for my stats class). I get to sleep til 1030 tomorrow since I dont have class til noon =) yay! puppiessssssssssss. haven't talked about my babies in so long! moose is so obnoxious sometimes. everytime I try to take him out he runs under the couch and like won't let me grab him. he's so annoying sometimes. then I have to hella yell at him and then he lets me pull him out. he's a bad boy... still acts like a baby!!! muffin on the other hand is an angel... whenever we leave the door open to get groceries or something, she'll want to run out and she'll make sure no one's watching, but once we yell her name she wont dare to look at the door again lol. they're both smart though, it's just that moose is soooooo obnoxious. sometimes when I yell at him he doesn't even get scared of me. I need an older dog to put moose on check! ok i'm totally wasting time. i'm gonna reread lecture notes and go to bed. goodnight all MSG

SO DISAPPOINTED MAR9TH08 // 04:58AM well i can't sleep... t's already almost 5am cuz of daylight savings... so a lot has happened since i last updated, even though it was only about a week ago. i was done with my last midterm (for this first round) on friday of last week, so that night, i went back to san jose and hella drunk with the friends and with katie... and like silas had called me while i was drunk so i picked up and like he seemed upset that i was drinking, god knows why, his ass drinks too. but anyways so we kinda argued the next day then i came back to berkeley on sunday and we made things better and went to sf zoo and things were all better... then the next day we were having lunch before i had class and i was texting my old coworker from when i worked at wamu cuz he said he was gonna come play tennis against berkeley and wanted to meet up or whatever so i was texting him back and silas got all butthurt (i guess it didnt help that i was giggling at the table) cuz i was texting or whatever. and i know it's rude to do that but c'mon, we were about ready to leave anyways shit. so like then after that we were kinda irritated by each other so we didnt talk for the rest of that day then when he did call me the next day, we got in an argument and of course we patched things up. then he came over to my apartment that night to sleep over and i was wearing just my boyshorts and a tanktop cuz we were in bed about to sleep and i bent over and had my ass up in the air so that i can pick up the wire for my phone charger so i could charge my phone, and he goes "what are you doing?! why dont you cover up" and i got so pisseddddddddddd so we got in an argument and i told him i know he thinks i'm sleezy cuz the way i act sometimes, but i'm NOT. before him, i was celibate for a good 6 or 7 months, but he always judges me just cuz he sees the way i am when i party and how i'm charming and flirty with guys or whatever. and so he sad sorry but i was still mad because he made me feel stupid like i wanted him to be impressed by me bending over so we went to bed and he was all hugging me or whatever. dumbass. so we were doin good til i went out thursday night cuz this was my first week free from midterms/presentations for the last 3 weeks! and i wanted to finally go out and so like the first thing silas asked me was if i'm gonna drink and i said i dunno maybe, and he goes "most likely" so i just ignored his comment and i went out with my friends that night. the next morning i called silas when i woke up and things were ok but later that night i was gonna go clubbing in sf with friends from san jose and berkeley and i guess he got upset cuz he wanted to hang out with me, but i blew him off... um anyways so like today he wanted to go to pier 39 with me in sf, but i told him i had to study a chapter before i do anything hehe then he found out i went to a party at pi lam cuz i walked to his frat at like midnight and i was buzzing so of course he was mad, and i asked how come hes been so mean/bitter/mad at me lately and he said that HE was disappointed in me and i told him to give me a break cuz i just got done with the first round of midterms and presentations, and he was like "you know what, i think you make up all these excuses cuz you arent even mature enough to be in a relationship" and blah blah blah and saying all these stupid weird things and i told him that this is it, we obviously can't see eye to eye on things... so i left and i went back to the party and drank my sorrows away lol no jk, but i did try to have fun... came back to the apartment tonight, and then i vented to alex about silas and she told me that he did talk to her like a week ago and he said that he doesnt know what to think of me when i drink, like if he should trust me cuz sometimes i make myself seem like i'm available and like im easy... and she told me she told him he shouldnt think like that or ever say it cuz hes totally wrong, and it's totally insensitive so he said he won't think like that anymroe or whatever. so after hearing all that, i went from being MAD at silas to just being upset and disappointed. i mean i totally let myself be myself around him, and he looked at me so differently. it's like when we're both studying together or having lunch, we're good... but before/after we have sex or like when i joke around about certain things AND when i drink, he would look at me differently. i remember this one time before we had sex he was like "is it gonna be that easy?" and i thought it was a joke at the time, but looking back on it, he might've been serious. but i dunno maybe he was asking for more foreplay lol, cuz that wasnt the first time we had sex... so that comment wouldnt have been relevant... but anyways. i'm done with silas... we were just two very different people to begin with. i can't even be myself around him. and i bet you he's gonna try to call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whatever... i'm gonna try to sleep now... maybe i'll finally get back to the guy who's been trying to get at me :] ok goodnight all. MSG

AHHHHHHHHHHH FEB29TH08 // 12:30AM i been studying since 6pm this evening!!!!! midterm tomorrow... we get a notecard cheat sheet so I'm probably gonna put down example problems or I dunno. I think Silas is mad at me hehe. I told him I'm going back to san jose tomorrow to chill with the friendlies and katiewatie<3 and this weekend we're having perfect zoo weather, so he's disappointed I won't be here so we cant go to our zoo trip but whatever! I might come back Sunday if I'm up to it so we can go, but I dunnoooo. oh well. well i'm gonna eat cereal or something and get back to studying! wish me luck<3 goodnighty. MSG

GONNA SLEEP SOON FEB27TH08 // 02:08AM i've been soooooo productive, i'm so happy and proud of myself! i've been studying since i got off work! well after i got off from work i met up with silas (yes we love to see each other) and sat on the steps across from sproul hall because he had an hour break til he had to go to a lab with the visiting scholars. i speak so highly of him, i sometimes wonder what he's doing with a clutz like me. lol just kidding :) but after he walked me down a block or two, he had to go back on campus so i went home... studied til dinner, came back and studied again. alex was watching tv on the couch and she'd peek in on me occasionally and be like "stop ittttttt you're making me feel so bad about not studying" lol silly girl<3 survey? haha let me find a short one on myspace :p 1. Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with? maybe silas since we're in the phase of getting to know each other... 2. Where was the last place you went? ummm bathroom I guess. 3. Does your Ex miss you? lol, he better! just kidding... where's #4? right there 5. Look at your 3rd friend on myspace. Think about it, do you really like them? dont have myspace 7. Who is the last baby that you held? my babiesssss muff and moose 8. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names? lol no actually i don't 9. Are you ticklish? NOPE! try me! 10. Have you ever worn a crown? every year on my birthday i'm a princess 12. Who is the last person you hugged? joey and roybert when i had dinner with em kids 13. Do you have a black dog? ummm no... muffs kinda blackish but more in a greyish kinda way 14. What should you be doing right now? sleep!!! 15. Last text? take a wild guess... lol no not silas. i think joey 16. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? ok now take a wild guess :) 17. Who will you always be there for, even if you don't want to be? my family and all of my friends cuz theyre that damn great 18. Are you missing someone? just my mom and dad... 19. Reason behind why you last cried? while watching definitely maybe! 20. How much cash do you have on you? like 35? everything else is in debit 25. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? back in the days 26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret? no regrets 27. Whats on your mind right now? nothing 28. Do you have a deep dark secret? hm no 29. Wouldn't you rather be with your "lover" right now? lol 30. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? one of my gsi's... omg i just wanted to lick him all over 31.What was the last thing you were grounded for? hahahaha probably for going out too much... 32. What was your childhood nickname? shy? 33. Do you have any strange phobias? whales glaciers submarines huge ships 34. Have you ever played naked twister? no we aint that liberal in berkeley 35. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? remarried 36. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? ghosts! 38. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? no 39. Do you crack your knuckles? no i can't. ive tried, they just dont crack 40. What's one thing that can always be found in your refrigerator? water 41. What color are your bed sheets? white, with big yellow piss stains. hahahah jus kidding. hahahahha johnny ----^ youre retarded 42. How many kids do you plan on having? a few i guess, i only care for my dogs. i'll adopt 100 hundred billion 43. Plans for tonight? sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 44. How would you like to die? not in my sleep. i dont wanna go to sleep one night and never wake up. 45. Have you ever been in love? yep 49. We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion? sometimes, it is what it is 50. Generally, in life, what makes you happy? my dogs, my mom and my family, and my friends. 1 MSG

SO EXHAUSTED. FEB24TH08 // 02:12AM hi everyone. so this weekend i've been catching up on my work, so i've been home during the night, surprisingly. yesterday alex asked me to go to cal's baseball game with her and some friends and i didnt want to go but we went anyways. and guess what, i saw stephen there too. hm anywho so i left early to meet up with silas and we had pizza at blondie's then he hadda go back to his lab =( then that night stephen called me at like 930 but I was at the bowling alley so I didnt call him til I got home and he was playing beer pong so he called me back around 1am or so... and he asked if I wanted to go get food with him, so he came by and picked me upa nd we went to Jack in the Box... then after we got the food we were heading back to my apartment and he told me not to be mad at him and he gave me a present box and he told me it was for valentine's. so at first I hesitated because I really didn't want to accept it but he reassured me that it had no romantic intent to it or anything so I opened it and dear god, I loved it... this is what he got me. and I was like omgggggg. awhile back he had seen that my iphone had like a big dent on it and a few scratches and he asked me why didnt i get a case for it, and I told him I got a black leather one but its ugly and bulky and looks like its for guys so I never used it... and he got me that in the pink!!! and I was like, "now i'm super mad at you cuz you totally showed up silas' gift..." =/ so after that he came in my apartment and we hung out... and he fell asleep on my couch while I did hw, just like the old times. stephen HAS ALWAYS GOT ME THINKING!!! grrrrrrrrrrr! so i left him on the couch to sleep and i went to bed in my room, but when I got up at around 10 he had already left, which is odd cuz he usually sleeps in! and i text him and said why didnt you say bye, and he said "why did you leave me to sleep by myself" lol. so anyways. today I was SO distracted... but i went out for lunch with some friends, ran some errands, then I came back to my place to study some more... umm at around 730, silas came to pick me up and we went to dinner at CPK then we went to see definitely, maybe. such a sweet movie and kinda unexpected, but predictable lol. silas was a sweet heart the whole time :) i had a glass bottle of white tea on the cup holder between us and i was tapping it with my fingers and he put his hand over mine to stop me from strumming, and when i stopped he just kept holding my hand. awwwwwwwww hahaha anywaysss lol. he's so lovey dovey with me<3 i really really really really like him. but why am i always feeling so torn!!! well i'm going to go to bed early so that i can wake up early tomorrow and go somewhere to study. goodnight everyone. MSG

YAY SOME FREE TIME :) FEB21ST08 // 08:20PM Finally! wow, I'm in such a mood where I feel like I want to write everything that has been happening lately, but we all know that would take forever and with all this FREE time, I'd feel guilty if I didn't spend it on studying and catching up :) I'll try to be brief! well why don't I start off with Valentine's day? wow, it really it sucked at first because we were like 15 minutes late for our reservations because silas was being SUCH A PRETTY BOY! he came to pick me up super late, plus it always takes forever driving down downtown Berkeley. but he did clean up very nicely :) anyways, so Silas talked to them AGAIN and they gave us some seats for people who didn't show up... so we had to sit at this dining table in the middle which sucked cus I wanted a view of the bay. OMG, I'm rambling. anyways, so it was funny because silas and I had both promised not to get each other anything, but of course we both went out and got each other something. I got him koala house slippers because of a story he once told me about how he went to australia when he studied abroad and would visit the koalas at the zoo every day lol. that plus the fact that he walks around his frat BAREFEET and i think it's super disgusting cuz you know how guys are, they're filthy. but they do have a maid though... anyways. lol so besides the roses and chocolates he greeted me with, he's so sweet, he got me two picture frames in the shape of dogs, one's a yorkie picture frame and the other's a shih tzu (for muffin and moose, respectively)! they're SO adorable... after I came back from my apartment I put in pictures immediately :) that's not all. then I was like what about meeeeee and he gave me a card and it had tickets to the SF zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited lol because god knows I love animals! lol and he goes "I wonder if they have koalas there" and I'm like oh GOD lol. but yeah we haven't had a chance to go because I was in san jose for the weekend and I had midterms yesterday and today! and we want to go on a nice weathered day, not this shitty cloudy weather =( so yeah, after dinner we went to the karaoke bar with alex & brandon (who freakin surprised her like CRAZY... he's so thoughtful!!) and nicki and her valentine nolan, and we went with two other couples from the sorority, but yeah. silas is a horny drunk :p hahaha. it was a fun night... made me kinda fall for him... SO, knowing I had two midterms this week, I went and did and stupid thing and went to san jose! denton's parents were away so he wanted to have a party and he said I HAD TO BE THERE since I haven't been out with them since school started! so I went Saturday afternoon and spent the whole day with them (minus when I had lunch with mama when I first got there), but we had a private bbQ then had the party... didn't go home til the next morning... lol. but it was fun :) I made some new friends! ashleigh hella passed out before the party even started! she was making buttery nipples and drinking them all lol. but yeah so Saturday I slept in til 3PM!!!! OMG!! lol and then Jamie text me to tell me to go to the beach with her because it was one of her friends birthday, so I wasnt gonna go at first but she said the guys were staying til late, so I got extra layered cuz I knew it was gonna be cold. but good thing I went because natalie was there! and uh, she went back to hating on me. it's funny, right when I got there she got in her car and was like in a bad mood the whole time. i'm like, eh good thing she didn't bring nick! lol... but I like that her exbf kept tryin to flirt with me... but yeah, I actually had fun especially when we were playing drinking games, and I forget the name, but the one where you have to say something you haven't done and whoever has done it, has to drink. like when David said "I haven't had sex outdoors" I had to take half a shot because I had sex with stephen when we went camping before LOL and um other occassions lol. ANYWHO. hm. well i'm growing awfully tired of writing. so after beach I TRIED to go back to Berkeley on Sunday but I hung out with my mom instead since it was her only day off... then I was gonna go home that night but my mom said to just go back in the morning on monday... so that's what I did... and when I came back all I did was hang out with silas =( so I barely got any studying done and so I know I didn't do as well as I should've on my midterms, which SUCKS ASS!!!!!!! so today I'm not going out :) i'm gonna stay in and study... no one better call me and tempt me... ok I wish I couldve written more but i'm so dog gone tiredddddddddddddddddd. bYEBYE MSG

AND ANOTHER ONE FEB19TH08 // 02:23AM hi everyone. i'm up studying because i have two midterms, one on weds and one on thurs, and i completely wasted the 3 day weekend away cuz i thought going back to san jose was a good idea... valentine's day was wonderful... i hate silas for being so sweet... anyways more on that later, i PROMISE i'll update... most likely on sunday! well here's a survey i stole from ashleigh's myspace bulletin ( Read more... ) goodnight all and wish me luck! MSG

QUICK UPDATE FEB14TH08 // 07:22PM MUSIC   usher's new song hi just a quick update cuz I have a valentine's dinner date with Silas around 9... he has a lab til 745pm today! so classes, going great. i've been bad and have been partying every single thursday, friday and saturday since school has started. =/ well not all PARTYING, but haven't been treating them as I would treat sunday-wednesday nights. but during the days I've very productive... so no complaints yet. after the first round of midterms, I'll settle down! ummmmmmmm what else what else. so stephen. we've hung out like a few times this semester... the first time was when i got back to berkeley and he came over to see my apartment and to visit muffin! good god muffin was SO HYPER!!! even after I yelled at her she would not stop jumping on stephen and she even started biting again. when she was a puppy she'd lightly bite peoples fingers when she got really excited to see someone, but stephen and i had disciplined her and she'd stop forever, but when stephen came over she was biting his finger while he was trying to pet her! i guess she was so happy to see him! it'd been like 5 months since they'd last seen each other! lol. moose was barking at stephen hahaha. it was pretty funny to see. but yeah, it's weird, we ended up hanging out all day even though I had other plans =/ that's just how it is whenever I'm with him! but it was only cuz I caught him up on the office and Lost lol. but yeppers anywayyys the 2nd time was when we had dinner in SF and also went shopping lol. it was a LONG ass day, but it was fun. lol during dinner it was funny cuz i had this smile on my face, and he was like what's that smile for... and I was like "it feels good" and he was like what feels good, and I didnt wanna say it cuz I thought it might make him sad, but I said it anyways, and I was like "It feels good sitting here with you and not having any mixed feelings for you." and he actually smiled and he was like "yeah, it feels good doesn't it?" and yes it did, knowing i have no feelings for him anymore...! heheheh. but anywhoooooooooooo since then we havent hung out much. he told me he's seeing some girl... and i told him about silas and stuff. so i guess it's all good now. but the other times we hung out was to have a short lunch on campus or other random stuff. so i gotta hurry cuz i need to get ready. but with silas things are good, i guessssssss but i'm kinda hesitant! i mean we've been dating since the semester has started and I really like him... he's so sweet and genuine and sincere, and i just LOVE that. but the reason why i'm hesitating is because we don't have much in common and i know we'd be good LOVERS, but i dunno about friends, and that's important to me. thats why stephen and I get along so well because we were such good friends. oh why the stephen comparison... but i dunno. i'm just seeing him cuz i feel like i need his genuinity and his sincerity and stuff, because hey I deserve it! I dunno what I'll do when things get super serious... but yeah its feeling good where we're at now... he's so sweet... so like i think i had mentioned that silas and i had made dinner plans for when i moved back to berkeley. but i called him about it the day before and the day of and he didnt call me back so i was like whatever. but yeah, so remember his exgf that goes to school in NY? well she came back for the holidays and I guess they got back together or whatever, and he text me a few days later saying he wanted to talk, but I wasn't really trippin that he didn't return my calls about the dinner we had planned... so I met up with him and he told me he just felt really bad because he liked me, but he told me about his gf coming back and he was being honest and stuff... so that was that. i thought it was nice of him to let me know... then a week later, me and some friends were party hopping for spring rush week and I ran into him and some of the frat guys and we hung out at the party then he called me the next day for lunch and told me he'd broken up with his girlfriend the day after he had that talk with me! but it wasnt cuz he liked me... but he did say that after breaking up with her he wanted to call me, but he knew it'd be too soon... but yeah, so since then we'd been seeing each other. I like himmmmmmm he's such a good guy... but for days like when I'm watchin basketball, I'm like eh I cant ask Silas to come over to watch! lol. yeah he's not so into sports... and we have different interests. he's so into chemistry and biology lol... and i'm more into business and banking and stuff lol. so yeah i seriuosly gotta go. cuz we have reservations at Skates... Silas is so sweet again lol Skates (a restaurant overlooking the bay) was booked for Vday but Silas seriously stayed on the phone with them for hourssssssssssss lol until he got us seats. anywayssssssss enough I've gotta go get ready i'll write more later! MSG

HEY EVERYONE JAN27TH08 // 02:43AM wow, so I knew I'd be extremely busy once school started and I was right. trust me, I want to write in here, but I can never find the time to do it! not even right now lol, so I'm gonna make this short and sweet because I really need to get to bed or do SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE! ah! okay well I got into ALL of my classes, THANK GOD. I'm taking all upper divs for my degree, but I am taking a lower div as a L&S requirement for this American Culture breadth we have to take, and I'm taking that with my room mate alessandra and a friend of ours, tracey. so far, so good. I just need to get one more reader and some sort of graph book for a class, and I'm done dealing with the damn overcrowded book store. so pretty much this whole first week of school has been a partyfest. I'm trying to get it all out because I don't plan to party as much once the semester starts getting serious. I actually came back at 1am today so that I can sleep early and catch up on some serious reading tomorrow. okay well I'm taking too long so I'm going to end this now and I will write more again some time soon, I promise! cuz i have so much to say about silas and stephen and other stuff dwelling on my mind! but goodnight for now and please please please do not mess with prescription drugs! RIP HEATH LEDGER God bless your soul 1979-2008 MSG

A BREAK FROM READING JAN16TH08 // 02:35AM so i've been reading all day... okay i lied. i started reading when i got home around 8... just in time for american idol :] but yeah. this is my last week in san jose =( yesterday i went to berkeley to get my books! i'm glad i got them early or else it wouldve been a lot more hectic had i waited til classes started. but yeah... poor lonely apartment. only catie's been staying there and she's only there weekends so it was so empty. alex is moving back in this friday and i'm moving back on sunday since i have ashleigh's<3 birthday party to go to this saturday. so yeah i called stephen while i was in berkeley, but he was still in seattle! he said his friend got in a motercycle accident on the weekend so he's staying til the weekend also... he asked if it's okay if he calls me tonight (meaning monday night) and i said sure. so sure enough he called me and we had a pretty lengthy conversation... he's weird. he kept saying sorry but it wasn't even that big of a deal. anywhoooo so it was pretty boring in berkeley since no one was really there... when i came back i watched prison break then mike and kassi came over to hang out... i made margaritas! today was my day to stay in to read. except that i ended up going out with my mom and niece! we took her to the animal shelter for the pet awareness event they were holding... it was pretty sad seeing all the dogs in the cages. once we'd open a door they'd all turn to look. so sweet =/ i cried lol. i feel bad for them! here i am buying dogs from breeders... i'm just gonna adopt the ugliest dog at the shelter next time :] after that my mom took her (and me) to valley fair and santana row to go shopping. lol i got stuff since my mom was paying. heyyyyy i need a new wardrobe for this next semester! lol. i got a navy trench/jacket that i can't wait to wear... and of course i got skinnies and some other shirts and stuffs. after we had dinner and i got annoyed of my picky ass niece. i went to target to get some coughdrops and ended up shopping around for other stuff =/ stephen called me again and we talked... then i wanted to read so i told him i'll call him back later as i go to sleep and he said okay. i dunno if i will though. maybe if i can't sleep! oh yeah! so saturday and sunday was fun :] on saturday a bunch of us went to taste, the ultra lounge/night club, for denton's brother's birthday. after, while we were sobering up and eatting at carrow's, nick called me and was like bein all weird and asking if i danced with any guys at the club and how come i didnt tell him i was goin and allt his stuff. and i was like ok dad!!!!! i told him so what if i did dance with guys and he was like "nothing nevermind. are you gonna come over" and i said no i'm tired and he was like fine i'm goin to bed then bye. and i felt bad so i was like "noo stay on the phone and talk to me" and he was bein all fussy and what not so we eventually hung up. i think he thinks we're getting serious. especially since i went to the tattoo/piercing parlor wehre he works to pay him a visit and he seemed so happy lol. so i've been thinking a lot what i wanna do and how i feel about him! but anyways. sunday was funnnnnnn. my sister surprised her fiance, brandon, with courtside warrior tickets! she had gotten 4 tickets cuz it came as a package... so my sister invited me and one of brandon's friend dashon. but yeah it's funny cuz dashon is a die hard pacers fan, which was the team the warriors were playing. and the game was close down to the very end so it was fun trash talkin :] great gameeeeeee! i wanna go again! it was soooo surreal! lol k i'm gonna read a lil. so goodnight all. MSG

:)(: JAN14TH08 // 03:44AM I smell a surveyyyyyyyyyyyy. Hi, my name is: shyenne :] Never in my life have I been: broke? lol. The one person who can drive me nuts is: my mom whenever i'm home... and probably lisa. High school: was so yesterday. When I'm nervous: I wanna get it over with so I man up. The last song I listened to was: britney spears - piece of me If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: my sister or Katie. My hair is: is a hot mess if you know what i mean! When I was 5: I had barely moved to california. Last Christmas: was only 3 weeks ago. I should be: fulfilling my New Years resolutions When I look down I see: my pretty fingernails The happiest recent event was: the warriors game was awesomeeeeeeeeee. If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be: Ross! hahahaha he's so hilarious and nerdy. By this time next year: I'll be 23 and so old... My current gripe is: eh I dunno what to do with nick lol. I have a hard time understanding: tumultuous relationships! There's this girl I know that: is as dumb as rocks. You know I like you when: I do you favors and don't expect anything in return. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my parents and my sister. Take my advice: love yourself before you give yourself to others, or else you'll be insecure, jealous, and too dependent. The thing I want to buy: another pair of tianna boots If you visited the place I was born: you'd be out of the bay. ah! I plan to visit: berkeley this week :] If you spent the night at my house: you'd have to share a bed with me and my puppies I'd stop my wedding if: I didn't get the ring I wanted! The world could do without: sadistic killers. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have to eat it! Most recent thing I've bought myself: a pack of stride gum?... Most recent thing someone else bought me: ummmmmmm my sister got me food at the warriors game My favorite blonde is: lindsay lohan... haha she's so sexy. My favorite brunette is: hmm alessandra ambrosio. My favorite black hair is: reggie bush. My middle name is: tricia In the morning I: always wake up and check what time it is. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: horses, so that we can ride them and be able to fly too. Once, at a bar: I did jager bombs. Last night I was: at the ultra lounge Taste... drankin and dancin :] There's this guy I know who: coaches a high school football team. If I was an animal I'd be: a dog! how funnnnnnn. A better name for me would be: i'm good. Tomorrow I am: staying home to READ! Tonight I am: going to sleep... it's 341, what more can I do. My birthday is: a week before Halloween. warriors game today was fun. had a weird fight with nick on saturday. updates on everything tomorrow, for sure. goodnight all MSG

THERE'S A LOSER BORN EVERY SECOND JAN11TH08 // 07:45PM MOOD   flirty MUSIC   tv san jose's been pretty boring since all them quarter/trimester system kids went back to school. at least i still got my san jose state, deanza and evc people here :] well what did i do this week. monday, that was a good day for my pampering as well as my puppies. they look so clean and proper now! after that i went straight to my sisters and we went to lucky's to grab some food to make dinner. we made garlic bread from scratch, chicken and prawn fettucinni, and salad with italian dressing. wasn't that hard lol. but yeah it was fun cuz i got to help my niece with her kindergarten homework and she's so funny! so one of the pages had like a blank box and the instruction was to draw a picture of a gift that you want... so my niece was like hmmm i want a bunny! and so she asked me to help her and i said okay i'll draw it for you and you can copy it so after i drew it for her, i told her to erase it and draw it herself and she was like nooo, i dunno how to draw a bunny! and i said well if you don't draw it yourself, it's gonna be cheating! and she said "but if i draw it myself, its gonna look so silly!" lol! how precious is that?! lol so i told her to just copy the bunny and then erase mine after and she did that. oh and the pups were reunited with tatertot :] so funny how they sniff each other and chase each other. muffin's too bossy for that stuff though lol. anyways.sooooo i got awfully tired and called nick but he didnt pick up so i came back home... cleaned my closet and went to bed soon after. tuesdayyyyyy damn, was the best! so i went with david, jamie, marissa and a few of david's friends to cluck u's. i forgot how their chicken was soooooooo bomb lol. i'm craving it now... mmm hot and spicy chicken wing, celery + ranch. yums. after that david wanted to hang out but me jamie and marissa had plans to go with johnny and monique to jeff's birthday at a bar... it was interesting since we didn't know jeff and all his friends that much. but yeah... guess what! ethan called while i was there and i took the phone call outside and he wanted to hang out but i was plenty busy so he said he'll just see me saturday for the playoff games. :] i <3 being single! lol but yeah. i dont remember much of the rest of the night... wednesday i finally got to sleep in, undisturbed! so i slept til noon when my mom called and bugged me. but yeah so i ran errands for her before going to her office then i went to best buy with her cuz she was looking for laptops and projectors and what not. i got a leather iphone case since i keep droppin my iphone, there's a dent in it! lol. that night nick and i finally saw each other! i missed his manly arms :p we got bored so we went to play beer pong as his friends and i they were all smoking and stuff inside the garage with the garage closed (cuz it was damn cold) but still, i needed fresh air! but yeah nick and i played beer pong and nick kept making me drink the beer, but it started getting nasty so he started drinkin it for me lol. we played twice and won only once... he sucks. the time we lost was cuz i accidently knocked over one of our cups :\ lol. but i started getting a migraine from all that nasty air so he brought me home and i let him come in. he had to leave at 5am again lol. we watched 28 weeks later. it was sooooo scaryyyyyyyyyyy :[ today! i got to sleep in again! this time i slept til 2pm lolllllll thank god my phone was on silent or else i woulda woke up earlier. i wouldve slept more if it wasnt that around the horn and pardon the interruption was on! so during the shows i got ready and i went shopping by myself. i LOVE doing that... no one to bother me, no one to follow me around... no one to tell me i dont look good in somethin :] but yeah i got some juicy couture stuff and some PINK stuff from victoria secret. also got me some bootsies from steve madden and navy blue lace up vans. i love shopppppping. i also got ashleigh a present since its her birthday party this weekend... and i got brandon a shirt from zumies since its his birthday on the 13th (i think...). hmmmmm i think i'm done with shopping for now. after that i came home and now im chillllin. gonna have dinner later with my parents and a family friend. and after that... gonna hang with david and the rest of those guys! funnnnnsies. k well im getting tired of writing so BYE! MSG

ITS PAYDAY! :] JAN7TH08 // 03:48AM haha my direct deposit came through tonight... anyways :] its been awhile hasnt it?! tomorrow's gonna be a busy day tooooooo so i should head to bed soon after i write this. well on saturday i tried to get up early to help with denton's dad's company nfl fantasy football thing but i couldnt lol. i came a little after noon, but hey i made up for it today. i went extra early since the games started at 10am! cant wait for the divisional playoffs next week :] after doin that on saturday, lisa wanted to meet up and "talk" so we went to have lunch. she's so freakin weirdddddddddddddd. okay so after halloween weekend, i had gone home and lisa and i went to a party with my brother and his friends. well that whole night, her paranoid and insecure ass bf kept calling her she wasnt ok to drive so she slept over at my place. the whole night she was up arguing with him, taking shit from him... i told her to hang up. i mean seriously, if a guy was sitting on the phone saying are you cheating on me, where are you!? why the hell would you sit there and listen to him? so after i told her to hang up she just left the room and went to argue with him in my bathroom. then she came out and asked me if i could drive her home and i was like "home or to his house?" and she said his house, and i relunctantly got up and brought her home. the whole ride i didnt even wanna talk to her. so the next day, lisa drove to my house cuz i had left my camera... i never carry a purse to parties so i left my camera in lisa's purse. and she looked like she had been crying so i asked her what's wrong and she came in my house for a few mintues, then next thing ya know, we hear a car pull up and it was her idiot boyfriend with a baseball bat. right when he got there she was like "oh my god, that's gary" like she knew something was up... then he started calling out my brother and saying if my brother doesnt come out, he's gonna smash his car and i was like dude my brother doesn't even live here and saying stuff like you're lucky he doesn't live here too, just to piss him off. then i brought out my phone and he was like "oh ur gona call the cops?" and i said no i wouldn't call the cops and let them save you, you want my brother i'll call my brother. and lisa was like holding him back the whole time and i was telling her to let him go and she was like please shy, please stop just let me talk to him. and i was like i feel bad for you having to deal with him, and he was getting hella pissed and pushing lisa and i told lisa to come inside and she was like i can't. and i said well you better tell him to leave so i guess she got him to calm down and he got in his car and drove off then she got in her car and went and followed him like the helpless person that she is. so i guess she couldnt find him and she called me to say sorry and she was in tears and i told her to come to my house... she was already at his house waiting for him... and i straight up told her that he has problems and that she doesn't need to be with a guy like him. dude seriously, he is SO insecure. he lets her go out, but whenever she does, she has to like takl to him every second and say i love you just so that people know shes on the phone with her boyfriend. how ridiculous is that? but yeah i guess he had gone through my camera and saw group pictures of lisa and me and the guys and in one of the pics, my brother has his hands on his belt buckle pulling it up and another hand on lisa's shoulder and i dunno why, but lisa said he hella flipped when he saw that picture. sooooooooooo retarded. but this was like the 100th break up they'd gone through, i mean they seriuosly have a dysfunctional relationship. they argue EVERY SINGLE DAY. i remember i went to visit her and breigh in santa barbara where they go to school and gary was there that weekend also and all they did was argue... even if it was like where's my keys, they'd argue about who lost it. but back to the whole incident... i told her this should be the last straw you should break up with him. so that whole day we hung out, and catie was here to console her too. and when gary had called her while we were at dinner she picked up and catie and i just shook our heads then she came back in and said she didnt wanna talk to him. so that night, lisa didn't have a place to stay since she lives with gary at his parent's, and i was leaving for berkeley the next morning, so she stayed with catie. then i got a text from catie at like 3am saying that lisa just left to go to gary's cuz he had called her. and i was like i give up... so after that whole thing i never talked or text lisa and she asked catie if i was mad at her and i told her go ahead tell her i am pissed. you know, her BOYFRIEND came to my house with a baseball bat threatening to kill my brother and fuck up his car, and after i said he doesnt live here, he wanted to fuck up my car and my step dad's car (the ones that were in the drive way) and he called me a bitch. your boyfriend does that shit to me, then you're gonna go back to him that night? what does that say about our friendship? i know that if my bf did that to my BESTFRIEND and her family, i would not stand for it. so november 20th was her birthday but i was stuck in berkeley til thanksgiving and so me lisa, marissa and two of marissas friends went to eat dinner cuz it was also marissas birthday. and the whole time i made small talk with lisa, nothing too engaging but by the end of the night, it was like we were friends again. but after that we went our separate ways. she was in texas all of winter break and this was her last weekend here til she was goin back to santa barbara. so she wanted to have lunch on saturday to talk and i said ok so we talked... and i asked her why she chooses to be with him when shes not happy and she told me how he like apologized and cried and blahblahblah and i was like yeah but if you take him back right away, he's just gonna keep treating you like shit and she said i know and that tried taking things slow and seeing someone else but he said sorry and how he has changed and all that so now theyre together and supposedly getting along better. well i talked to catie after that happened and she said lisa told her gary went to her house and into her room and ripped up all her stuff and trashed her room cuz she had gone clubbing while she was in texas. how's that for change? whatever so i told her, ill try to be there for her but i'm never ever gonna like gary or try to fake like i like him. and she said ok thats fine... but anyways so after that we said bye and i went back to denton's dad's thing. it was ridiculous cuz even the whole time we were at lunch, her bf kept calling her and harrassing her and i was like rolling my eyes in front of her face. he would NOT let her hang up, cuz if she did, it'd be because she's busy making out with a guy or whatever his ass imagines. i just dont get how she deals with that stuff. i mean, i know your a lady but man up and don't take that shit from him. oh and she's a hypocrite isnt she? i remember when i was thinking of getting back with stephen she told me not to and told me to reread the email i sent her about how much stephen had hurt me and she would always bad mouth him and kevin (catie's bf) saying they dont deserve 2nd chances. then during our lunch, after we had our talk we updated each ohter and i was telling her stuff about stephen and i asked if she had read his blog and she said no, and i said oh yeah i tried using your myspace to look at his and you guys aren't friends anymore, and she said yeah i think he deleted me. well when i was takling to catie, catie told me lisa had called her that weekend to talk and that her and lisa had talked about the blog and that she deleted stephen as a friend cuz that blog was ridiculous... hahaha. she is SUCH a hypocrite. if she thinks stephen's a bad guy that deserve me, then i feel bad for whoever or whatever deserves gary. he isn't even on the level of my neighbor's screeching cat. lisa can do 10000% better and i feel so bad for her. i mean she's not even comfortable dancing in front of him... if youre not comfortable in front of your boyfriend, how could you say you love them? april is gonna be 2 years for them. i'm sorry to say, but i hope they don't make it. enough of that :] so that night katie flew back in from philadelphia. i had called her at 6pm but she didnt pick up. she ended up calling me at 8 and i told her i could meet up with her at her house after the football game, so i went to her house at like 10pm cuz after the game i helped clean up. but yeah so i helped her unpack and she told me about her and malissa's trip and i told her about what happened after vegas and what not. we talked about lisa and gary for like 2 hours hahahha. but yeah im so glad to have her back! but now she's leaving me soon cuz santa cruz is gonna start. this is her last year there and she's gonna graduate. i'm so proud of her! so we hung out at her house and nick kept texting me! but i only responded once then katie got out her Lost Season 1 DVD she got for christmas and we watched it! omgggggggggg it is SOOOOOOOO good hahahhahah. i told her she better not watch the rest without me! i know she will though :( so i left her house around 2am and i called nick back and he was like telling me to go over to his house and when i said no, he went back to being mad and stand off-ish again. GEEZ it'd only been since friday morning that he didnt see me. so i got home played with the pups for a little then went to bed. todayyyyyyyyyy. i got up early to set up for denton's dad again :] it's fun networking with the other workers and getting their buiness cards and stuff! i asked where's dent, and his dad was like this is WAY oto early for him. haha it was like 10am. but yeahhhhhh... a saw one of the workers there again named ethan and he was so charming :] i would try to get his attention and i finally got it today hahahah. its kinda awkward flirting with a bunch of 30 year olds and stuff around us hahahah. so anyways 530pm after the game, i was helping clean up and when i went to the hall to throw out the table cloths, ethan asked if he could have my number... and i was like of course so i called him from my cell phone just so i'd have his number too and then he said he was gonna leave so i was like ok i'd give you a hug but i'm cleaning haha but yeah. then later on that night denton's dad told me that ethan has a girlfriend! hahahahha anyways. after that i met up with katie again and we went to have dinner with her older sister and malissa. ummm and after that katie and i went to target since it was just around the block. hahah we stayed there for HOURS<3333333333 there was so much stuff! but yeah they closed at 10 so we had to leave =( gotta bunch of stuff though... some cute stuff for my puppies! so we went back to katie's and watched up to like episode 8 of lost hahahaha and she was like cmon we have to end sometime, i'm falling asleep. and i was like yeah ok the next episode! and i said that all the way til episode 8 til she kicked me out hahahah. =/ but yeah so now im back home and i ate some left over dinner and now i gotta go to sleep! i have a dentist appointment at 1pm and also a hair appointment for myself, as well as for my dogs. they're getting a check up and their hair did. after that i'm going to my sisters cuz she's cooking dinnnnnner :] i'll prob see nick after since its been awhile. ok gnight all! 2 MSG

JAN5TH08 // 03:38AM hi everyone, i'm gonna make a quick update and go to bed. i've gotta get up earlier than usual tomorrow. so yesterday, i didn't do much. i cleaned my room and did laundry. my mom was at work the whole day lol, so i called her and went over to her office to bug her the whole day. we came home and cooked dinner and ate with my stepdad then did nothing the rest of the night. i talked to my friends on aim for awhile though lol. nick wanted to come over but i didnt want him to meet my mom cuz she wouldnt be too impressed by his tats. plus it was late, i knew she'd give me shit about it even though i'm 22. hey it aint my house, so i know where she's coming from. so i had to wait for her to get off the phone with my aunt. they straight talked from like 8 or 9 til like midnight. i knew my aunt would hang up soon since she lives in NY (so it was almost 3am there!) so i told nick to come over at 11:30 and he called me when he got to my house but i couldnt let him in cuz my mom was still on the phone. and after she was done she was in the kitchen doing stuff lol. and i didnt let him in til i heard my mom's sink turn off. poor guy had to wait like half an hour haha. so yeah we "watched a dvd" (hahaha wishy) and couldnt do anything fun or else we'd be too loud. so yeah we cuddled with my dogs then fell asleep. i woke up at 5am and kicked him out with a QUICKNESS. we later talked n he said it felt like we were 16 years old all over again. n i got offended and told him to kiss ass. so today i text both silas and stephen back and forth. i have plans with the both of them now. i'm going back to berkeley the 14th to buy books and get a head start on the readings and i'm also gonna bring some stuff back up. stephen's gonna be back then also so are gonna have lunch. then im moving back there on sunday so silas and i are gonna have dinner that day or something. umm so yeah today met up with my mom for lunch, then hung out with denton after he got out work. we had to wait for johnny to get out off work at like 11pm, then we went to watch Juno after we picked him up. what a sweet, delightful movie!!!!!!! got too lighthearted for my taste, at times, but good movie. anyways after that we to krystle's to chill and smash and i went home at 2ish which was pretty early compared to other nights... and they all thought i was meeting up with nick and they were doin that kissing face shoulder thing. but yeah i'm gonna go to bed now. i told denton's dad i'd help his organization set up for the nfl playoff games tomorrow but before that, i have errands to run! ah... but im excited to watch the playoffs :] ok so goodnight all! MSG

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN JAN3RD08 // 03:12AM i am on a fuckin roll. this is like my 4th or 5th entry in a row or almost in a row. too bad i wont have time to update once school starts. i'm on the phone with nick and y'know how i get bored easily :] so today my sister and my niece came and picked me up and we went to hooters in fremont... ordered my chicken wings, yum... and then went shopping in pleasonton. all i got was some tops from Guess and jeans, and other clothes. i got to wear my cowboy boots :] but yeah. shopping was tiring. after that i stayed at my sister's house for awhile... and slept for like half an hour lol then i was hungry, so i met up with jamie and ate with her at coffee lovers then we went back to her house and marissa came over. david had called before i left to go out with my sister asking if we wanted to go to the beach in santa cruz... and i was like boyyyy youre trippin it's gonna be hella cold. but they went anyways and i told him he can borrow my puffy jacket :] haha. but yeah he called me and i told him to come over to jamie's and when he came we watched Breed... it was a good movie, but poor wolf/dog hybrids... the way they died were so cruel :[ hahaha i kept saying aww poor dogs and the rest of em would get mad and be like you're defending these dogs who are killing people?! lol. after the movie david and i made a jack in the box run to get food for jamie and mari also, and while we were in the drive thru i got a text from jamie saying she knows david likes me and we text each other back and forth and she said she can tell because he never calls her anymore and only calls me lol. i guess i can kinda tell he likes me. he's cool but hes like only 20! hahahha i'm already 22! ok i guess thats not a big difference but whatever. i like talking to him about sports but thats about it. soooo nick told me to call him after i was done with the movie so i called him while i was driving back and so now i'm on the phone with him :] are we moving to fast? eh oh well! just having fun. tomorrow for sureeeeeeee, i'm staying in to clean my room. i'll also probably try to stay home the rest of the day too because my new years resolution was to spend more time with my family and i keep leaving my mom :[ heyyyyyy i think it's survey time. ( Read more... ) and another one about 2007 haha maybe i should stop... ( Read more... ) goodnight everyone! nick and i hung up awhile ago but i had to finish this lol. see you tomorrowwww haha. MSG

NEW YEARS EVE & NEW YEARS DAY! JAN2ND08 // 03:35AM I will make an effort to write in here more :] so on new years eve I ended up not making it to nick's friend's thingamajig because i didn't know my mom would be cooking for the family and friends! oops hehe. so yeah he was a little bummed but anywho. at around 8, i went to my sister's to hang out and thennnnnnn at 10, i went to pick up jamie, marissa, and 3 of marissa's friends and we went to buy grey goosie. we got 3 bottles and the 3rd we got was orange flavored, but i knew i wasn't gonna drink it cuz eh, fruity vodka aint for me. so we went to denton's and smashed and prepartied... poor ryan was the designated driver! i felt bad for him but he said even if he wasn't driving, he still wouldnt have drank since he drank a lot on the weekend already. but yeah. so after we had our own little countdown at denton's (i kissed jamie haha), that's when we went to randy's... and i brought my whole bottle of grey goose hahahaha i was being so shady with it. i left it in the car though so that i wouldnt lose it at the house party. but yeah... we stayed there til 2 and went back to denton's. that's when i killed the whole bottle of goose. okay i admit, i shared some with CJ's girlfriend but that's all!!! lol. i don't remember much... but i remember lecturing the guys who were outside smoking about how it's bad and then johnny was like fine then and he threw his cigarette on the ground and i picked it up and i was like "but you cant waste it! kill it first" hahaha and i remember denton's parents coming home and i gave them hugs lol and his little sisters. crazy crazy :] haha it was funny when marissa set back denton's clock and was like everyone its almost 12 (it was like 3 or 4am!) and we redid the countdown hahahha. damn, good times. but yeah i vaguely remember nick calling. oh yeahhhhhhh stephen had called me early on during the day and i talked to him for a good while before i went back to socializing with the family & family friends. he said he might not celebrate new years eve. poor guy is still bouncing back... but yeah so i guess nick had called me last night and i picked up but i dont remember much. i remember coming home at 7am (oh yeah i ended up not going to Sno-Park cuz i partied too hard) and looking through my calls and i had a missed one from nick so i called him but he didnt pick up cuz i guess he was sleeping. but yeah i ended up not going to Sierra, Nevada cuz they were leaving at 6 in the am and i was still feeling drunkie... sucks i hella wanted to go too! maybe i'll plan something between now and the time that school starts. but yeah. so after i threw up i freshened up for bed and woke up at noon and had insomnia. i had only slept for like 3 or 4 hours for god sakeeeee. i couldnt get myself to go back to sleep! so i woke up, threw up one more time then showered... and made phone calls. i went to david's bbQ at around 4... natalie was there haha... small world. then i called nick back and i went to go pick him up and came back to david's... it was pretty relaxing. then we left and i went to lisa's to give her her christmas present although i was still kinda mad at her and i stayed and talked to her for like 10 minutes while nick was in the car hahaha. after that we went back to nick's and his sister was having a kick back too... so she met me and was all over me and i was like kinda taken aback. her and her brother are real close! i just checked her myspace and her headline said "i love my lil bro" and she had commented pics of him saying hes so handsome and some weird stuff like that lol. i mean she's cool and all but eh, kinda too mushy for my taste. but yeah... him and his sister had like a whole shelf of DVD's (there had to be like 500 DVD's) and i wanted to watch hair spray so we went in his room to watch it. omggggggg it was the most boringest movie ever. i hella fell asleep! well i probably didnt fall asleep because it was boring, i probably fell asleep because i was only on 4 hours rest the night before but still. everytime a scene came on where they were gonna sing, both nick and i would be like TSK! but i did fall sleep for like half an hour and he didn't wake me up. just left me there sleeping... and we were both determined to finish the movie lol. all 2 hours of it! so after that we went out to the livingroom and where they were playing beerpong in the back house and nick had a few beers while i was on the phone and unfortunately talking to his sister. i wonder if it was because she was drunk... i dunno lol. but yeah so nick kept wanting to go into his room cuz i guess he wanted to do stuff but i didnt wanna so we just chilled outside while he smoked then we got in my car and talked and stuff before i left. i think i like him :] i dunno i just like how he's a lot different from guys i'm normally interested in. maybe it's just a phase i'm going through because i usually dont like those smoking, tattoo kinda guys, but underneathe it all, nick's a really genuine, down to earth guy... and i just love that he's not IMPRESSED by me lol! and i just love his armssssssss ahhhhh so sexy. but yeah so we actually had our first sober kiss that night lol. then i decided to go and he's so sweet. he called me so that he can talk to me as i drove home :] then his weirdo sister got on the phone with me and was saying when am i gonna spend the night and blah blah and that i shouldve hung out with them more. lol i guess she isnt that bad but cmon i just met her lol. sooo yeah now i'm home and i'm not tired cuz i had that power nap at nick's. i love the song OneRepublic - Stop and Stare <3333333 ahhh i cannot sleep. tomorrow i'm going to pleasonton with my sister and my niece to go shopping then we're gonna go to hoooooooters to eat :] i should be sleeping cuz i bet my sisters gonna wanna go early like around noon... but i'm not tired. well here's a survey! goodnight all <3 ( Read more... ) MSG

WARNING - LONG ENTRY DEC31ST07 // 03:48AM this is finna be a long entry cuz i'm gonna talk about finals, vegas and christmas and plans for new years... so beware! haha. so finals suckeddddddddddd. i hate it when it gets down to my last final and i'm soooo brain dead and i get to the point where i'm like "seriously, who cares?" so i do other fun stuff then its like 11pm the night before my test and i'm like oh shit! and i start freakin out :\ haha. but other than that i was so glad finals was done with. after christmas, all my grades were in and i got 2 A's and 2 B's and a Pass. and both of the A's were A minuses..... i gotta do better next semester! new years resolution :] so i was done with finals on the 19th. the day before that, silas facebooked me asking me what i was doing and stuff. so we exchanged messages back and forth and made plans to hang out before i left to san jose and vegas for winter break the morning of the 20th. so after my final at 330, i went to have my last lunch with terapoo and chrissy and danny. ummmm silas called while i was at the flower shop and asked if i wanted to hang out then and wanted to get food but i had already ate... i was supposed to save time to eat for him lol. and he said what about dinner... and told him dinner sounded great.. so after i got flowers i went back to my apartment and cleaned up my fucking desk area and the living room where i had been studying. it was a messssssssssss lol. i threw away so much scratch paper haha. and i threw them away with pleasure too. so i put all my semester's work and textbook into those big tupperware boxes and stacked em in the closet til i decide what i wanna do with that stuff. so i watched tv, talked on the phone and napped with muff and moose til around 8pm... then i text silas and he called me and we decided to go eat. i wasn't even hungry but i was bored out of my mindddddddd so he came by and got me... and got me flowers lol... and we went to eat at Joshuya's which was a good idea cuz i can always eat sushi when i'm not all that hungry! but yeah it was fun especially when we were just talking and getting to know each other :] i miss that. but yeah... so after dinner i asked him if he wanted to help me pack and he relunctantly agreed so we came back to my apartment and hung out on the couch and watched sportscenter instead of pack lol. he was so nice and friendly to the dogs and paid a lot of attention to them! but yeah. he helped me with my shoes and boots and was makin fun, saying that my shoes stink :\ haha. he told me he had a girlfriend of a year but she moved to New York to go to school at St. John's and then they broke up cuz the long distance didn't work for them. that was pretty recently toooo. so nip/tuck came on and i made him watch an epi with me although he was "falling asleep" and we kinda kissed on the couch... but nothing else :] he left at like 1am i think and gave me a big ol hug cuz he wouldnt be seeing me for a month! he's so fun :] after he left i finished packing alotta my clothes and shoes and other stuff like jewelry and books and what not. then i went to bed on the couch with the dogs after watching tv. i woke up the next morning and finished the rest of my packing. i had to wait for alex to come so she can go back to san jose with me! i forgot what we did that night lol but i did introduce her to allllll the friends so she wouldn't feel so unfamiliar. but chyeaaaaaaaaaaaa. me, alex, nicki, katie and cj, his gf, natalie and natalie's friend nick were the only ones to take a flight to vegas. the rest wanted to road trip down there so they actually left the day before cuz they went to LA first. weirdos haha. but they kept texting me all these stupid random jokes. but yeah vegas - the first day we got there, we met up with the rest of the crew and went to the space flights hahahha and other shows and the whole time we were thinkin damn this would be 100 times funner if we were drunk. this was mostly thought when we were at the museum lol. so we had dinner at emeril's (or was that the 2nd night, i dont remember) and after went back to our hotel at the wynn and pre partied. this was when we met back up with cj and his gf's (and natalie and nick). natalie wasn't giving me shit, surprisingly. she even introduced nick and me properly. anyways. so after drinking we went down to the strip and club hopped then bar hopped... hahaha it was funny. that night we didnt sleep til around 6am and everyone was quiet for like a good 10 minutes then i think dent said damn i gotta go to the bathroom again and he got up and then everyone started crackin jokes and we were all up again hahahah. and didnt go back to sleep til around 730. i remember hearing like someone throwing up in the middle of my sleep and i mentioned it when we were all up and no one wanetd to fess up! i think it was natalie HAHAHA. jk. but yeah we didnt get up and out til like 5pm haha but yeah we went to the pool at the mirage. that's when i started flirting with nick hahaha. damn he was so sexy with his nice ass arms. i pretended not to go in the water just so i can stay n talk to him. natalie was retarded... she kept calling him into the water and stuff whenever he'd talk to me. but yeah we flirted for awhile which led to him throwing me in the pool and me getting spf all overrrrrrrrrrr his back and head :] hahaha lol. dent and mike and johnny werent there cuz the trio went to sky dive... haha. krystle went to and she said it was hella fun, but i was a scaredy cat. i love the pics of it though. anywaysssssssssss so alex katie nicki and i went to the eiffel tower which was scary when u were looking up to it, but not when you were looking down from it. so beautiful :] we all met up for dinner at our hotel and got dessert at the coyote. ah im getting tired. but yeah we went to the strip again and bar hopped and i danced with nick came back to the telly and waited til we were kinda sober and went to the spa only to find out they were closed so had a party in our suite's bathroom hahahahha. didnt sleep til late again especially cuz i was choppin it up with nick outside the whole time. we were talking about the warriors and their stellar season HAHA. but yeah and we does tattoos and was telling me he'd hook me up but he's only done it for like a year and i saw the tats he did for natalie and they werent that nice looking. i dunno if its cuz natalie hasnt shaded it yet but it just looks simple to me. i'll just go to a pro probably... but yeah. the next day (or that same day since it was already that morning...) i went into the lounge to throw out water bottles and natalie and nick were there and i saw her walking away and dogged him. i guess they got in an argument and i told him no smoking in the loungeee and he was like "no looking sexy in the lounge" and i was like "then you're violating two things mister" and we were all flirty flirty lol. that day, most of us kept it cool. we had a relaxing lunch and went to the casino and the eiffel again. we also did karaoke that night. we drank at the hotel at around 9 or 10 after dinner and karaoke. nick and i went to get dessert at the coyote again, just the two of us... he was fun to talk to cuz he's not impressionable so i couldn't brag about ANYTHING without him matching it up lol. but yeah we came back soon after and i went to bed cuz we hadda leave by noon the next day. the rest of them didnt sleep til 4am so that meant i couldnt sleep til 4am, which is an improvement over other nights! so the next day we managed to get packed and kinda tidy up the two suites by noon and we left to have lunch at the wynn's lobby. nice group picture with the xmas tree too :] our flight was at 5 that evening so we left to the airport right after. it was so fucking crowded in the car cuz of all the clothes the us girls got while shopping. we left with more than we cameeeeeeee! and i HELLA shopped. seriously. mostly for xmas presents for everyon else. but anyways lol. after johnny and them dropped us off at the air port they went on their journey back to san jose. nick was helping me carry my stuff :] lol. the flight bacck home was great. i got to sleep! even though it was only less than two hours lol. but we got back in time for christmas eveee. alex wasnt with us on that flight cuz she was going back to LA... i was hoping she didnt feel awkward with the rest of my friends (in the road trip) since they were taking her back. then johnny text me saying she fit right in lol. so xmas eve... when i got back i had dinner with the family then i made a target run and got more wrapping paper and some stuff for my mom and wrapped gifts and wrote cards all night long. i still ahve some presents under the xmas tree because i haven't got around to meeting up with some people. crazy i know! but yeah so christmas was fun. i had lunch with my family INCLUDING both my dads, dinner with my extended family and hung out that night with my boysssss and girls who came back from the roadtrip safe and sound! lol. my favorite gifts were probably the necklace my mom and step dad got me... and the touch screen digital camera my dad got me. ohhhhhhh and katie got me cowboy boots that i LOVEEEEEEEE yay :] but i love everyones gifts. they were all SO thoughtful. i just hope they enjoy the gifts i gave em more than i enjoyed mines <3 sooooooo funny thing happened. brb i need to let muffin out to pee. ok so i sidetracked and warmed up some left over dinner lol. but back to that funny thing. on friday night, i came home from hanging out with nick (we went to the movies and hung out at his place) and i went online cuz i had a monster with nick so i couldnt sleep lol! so jamie imed me and we were takling and sthuff then shes like "oh yeah! have you read stephen's new blog" and i said "no, don't care, dont want to" and she goes "lol ok but its pretty sad" so i log in to lisa's myspace to look at stephen's only to find that her and stephen aren't myspace friends anymore? since when was that? so i text katie to ask for her psw cuz i forgot the last 4 numbers of it and she was like "oh yeah read stephens blog. youve got to." so i read it... =\ so sad. his grandpa... which is someone he would talk to on a regular basis... had a stroke and was in a coma in the hospital... and i know stephen and his grandpa were hella close. he used to tell me that's the main reason why he goes back to bellevue on vacation days. but yeah so i guess that incident gave him a rude awakening and he wrote like a whole entry about me... and how he's realized he's hurt me and hasn't gotten over me and stuff. i dunno. i had mixed feelings about it... i trust every word he says in the blog but it just came too little too late y'know? and i'm over him but i still care for him... and his words were very very touching... so i couldn't really sleep that night cuz i wanted to comfort him but i didnt wanna cross the line. so i just went to bed. when i woke up i immediately text him because i had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. i just felt SO bad for him lol... he seemed so hurt. but yeah i text him saying i heard about gramps and that he needs to hold on and keep believing and just be there with his grandpa... and he text me back almost right away saying my words meant a lot to him and soem other stuff. then i told him he can call me if he needs someone to talk to and he text me back thanks... so sad =( this happened yesterday, although the thing with his grandpa happened a week before christmas... he wrote the blog on the 19th! he said his grandpa has recovered but theyre still scared that he might relapse... and he called it a christmas miracle. oh yeah back to my story. so he called me text me and called me yesterday night while i was at mike's and i talked to him for like half an hour then i told him i'd call him back once i get home... so i got jamie to drive me home then i called him back and we talked, well he mostly talked, til i think 7 this morning. he said at 8am he was gonna go to the hospital again. he's been there the whole week he said... but yeah. i just need to be there for him. i just feel so bad especially after reading the blog and how much he's still in love with me. eh i know it's kinda sad that i'm talking to him and making him think things, but i told him we can be friends again and i just wanna show him i'm still here for him... even if i dont like him in that way anymore. but yeah i text him again today and we talked for like 20 minutes but i was at valleyfair so i told him i hadda go. wonder how he's holding up now... i don't mean to put him on blast, but this is why i gave in ( Read more... ) so for new years eve tomorrow... one of nick's friend's having a bbQ and he asked me to go so i'm gonna stop by and hang with him for a little. he said i can be his date! lol silas has been texting me too and i've responded to some texts but i'm so busy... i need to call him soon before he forgets about me! but back to new years, after checking out nick's friend's thing, i'll probably go to randy's bbQ since that's where all my friends will be. then that night randy's bestfriend larry is having a party so we're all gonna be there or be squareeeeee lol. i'm not that much in party mood but c'mon it's new years and i'm gonna celebrate with bang! lol i'll try. but yeahhhhhh. on new years day, in the morning we're gonna drive to sierra, nevada to go to the sno-park and to go sledding :] i invited a few friends but it's a trip my sister planned. so its gonna be her and her fiance's family in one van... and then me, denton, jamie, marissa and johnny in another car. i can't wait to go. i'm more excited to play in the snow than to celebrate on new years! well i warned that this would be long lol. and its 345 now and mike, denton, johnny and ryan are still here playing game. i dunno when they're leaving but i can still hear them in the game room yelling! i keep tellin em to be quiet cuz my lil cousin is sleeping in the adjacent room but i guess they get too excited. well i'ma go say goodnight to them and tell em to lock the door when they leave cuz i'm goin to bed. goodnight all and happy new years :] MSG

I FORGOT HOW FUN SURVEYS ARE DEC30TH07 // 04:58AM i'm on the phone with stephen (hehe don't get any ideas people) and have nothing better to do... My 105 Truths ( Read more... ) AND ANOTHER ONE! HAHA YEAH stephen's still rambling ( Read more... ) LAST ONE ABOUT THE NEW YEAR :] ( Read more... ) geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez it's almost 5am...i'm gonna probably talk to stephen sleep for a lil then wake up at 10 for the niners game n knock the fuck out after. bye. MSG

OH OF COURSE... DEC29TH07 // 04:21AM stephen, you've always had a way with messing things up just as they were sailing smoothly and you've always had a way with your words... but maybe not this time. MSG

A BREAK FROM ALL THE STUDYING DEC17TH07 // 04:48AM hi everyoneeeeeeeeeeeee. so lets talk about finals! disaster, disaster, disaster. lol no, i'm just kidding. well my first final for accounting and finance was tough. it was worth 240 points... and i needed a 47% in order to get an A- in the class. so i emailed my gsi right after asking when the final is graded if she can send me an email telling me my grade :p i know, i'm such an impatient loser. but yeah, it was tough especially because i wish i had studied for it more and gone over our past midterms. a lot of the material was recycled. the next afternoon i had my final for history and the prompt was super easy... it's just that we had to write 5 ID's, 2 essays and 1 extensive essay in 3 hours! so towards the end of the extensive essay, which is worth 40% of the whole final, i had to really condense my thoughts... so i'm scared about that. my final on saturday also went the same way. i knew all or most of the material, it was just a matter of using cases to back up the evidence that i had a problem with because i couldn't remember the names and dates of the cases! but i was very happy because before i left, my GSI gave me back my research paper and I got a 90/100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! made my night! so all i have left is my final on wednesday night and im doneeeeeeeeee! it sucked that i had 3 finals back to back to back, but hey, i guess that sense of urgency motivated me to study. i hella partied this weekend lol, so i came home early tonight and have been studying since eh, 1am? yeah i'm going to bed as soon as i write this entry. so a funny thing has gone down. remember how i said my room mate alex has been trying to set me up with one of her friends? well saturday was her birthday (and we both had evening finals 5-8pm that night) and her sorority helped her set up a dinner party at their mansion since she was able to do anything because of finals. well she knew i liked the athletic sporty guys and things with them always turned out bad so she had someone from her exchange frat that she had in mind. after the final i went home to get dressed real quick because it was a semi formal kinda thing and alex had forgotten something so she was back at the apartment too, so we both drove up to her sorority's house together and she was acting realllllllly shady once we got there lol. like she kept pulling nicki and christine to the side and asking them stuff. so once we sat down for her dinner, i was sitting next to tera then alex told tera to move and one of her guy friend sat there.... hmm set up? yes! lol. so alex tried to play it casual and was like oh! shyenne, this is silas, silas this is shyanne... and so we talked and stuff. i mean we were kinda forced to since we were sitting next to each other! he's a really cool guy though... very different from a lot of guys i've met... alex later told me i probably never see him around because he's always in the labs on campus doing experiments lol. but yeah... he has that rugged handsomeness to him i guess.. and he has his eyebrow pierced for god's sake.. that is something i never really found attractive! and his name.. Silas... totally fits his appearance. he has that darkness and mysteriousness about him, which kinda bugs me cuz i'm kinda like, "so what message are you trying to get across" whenever he poses a daunting question lol. but yeah, i mean it wasnt as awkward as it seemed because we btoh talked to other people at the table, and towards the end we were mutually talking.. it wasnt like asking questions just for the sake of conversation. so after dinner, alex had arranged for us to go to blake's, and she had hypnotiq hosting her party which SUCKED cuz the whole club smelled like hypnotiq lol. but yeah, silas wasnt planning to go but after a little convincing we said he'll go for a little lol. so after the dinner, alex was like so what did you think and asking me a whole bunch of questions... she was just mostly surprised that i got Silas to go. so we went over to blake's and i was drinking with jane and nicki for the first hour then we went to dance with the birthday girl. lol it's so funny cuz alex is a dancer, and her boyfriend came over to berkeley for her birthday (and he freakin surprised her again... im so jealous!), and she was dancing on him like he was a strip pole, but she was doing it intentionally so it was all good! but yeah, after while i was sitting at the bar with some of alex's friends, silas came over to tell me he was leaving and, me, being that i was borderline buzz, was being all flirty and saying aww don't leave yet, we didn't even dance! oh the stupid things i say and do... so he asked me if i would talk to him outside since it's quieter so i left with him and we talked for like 15-20 minutes... and it was hella cold so he told me to go back in and that he'd leave so he asked for my number, and we exchanged digits and he said "im definitely going to give you a call" lol. so he left and i went back into blake's and sat sippin drinks at the bar and getting hit on and asked to dance and i would give them excuses like it gets too hot when i dance lol, so i'd just sit and talk to a few of the guys before they'd get bored and leave. oh well i cant hear them over the loud music anyways. but yeah, it gets pretty interesting whnever i say that, then the next minute you see me dancing with all the girls lol. it was fun though! so blake's had to close at 2am, and alex's older brother (frat brother) said we can go back to their frat and continue partying. i normally wouldn't have gone but i was just so glad to be done with finals i just wanted to party! so while walking to their frat i text silas and said "i hope you're not sleeping, anthony said the party's coming to the frat house" and he text me back "thanks for the heads up. ill lock the doors" lol so when we got there, there was already people there playing pool and just chillin, but we turned it into a party. i took like 7 or 8 shots with alex and with joey. an hour after that i was on the couch drunk arguing with people and silas appeared and defended me in my arguments... even though he doesnt know an ounce about football. but yeah i got him to dance with me for like 5 minutes before i got all dehydrated and decided i wanted to sit next to the window. he's so sweet he got me a bottle of ice cold water! but yeah after that i told him i wanted to go home but i didnt wanna leave my car there so he did a very frat boy thing and asked me to sober up in his room... and i was like um no i dont think so. and he explained himself and was saying what are you talking about, you can leave the door open, it doesnt have to be ilke that. and i said, it doesnt have to be, but it will look like it! im talking about people thinking were fucking. and so he did another sweet thing and said "fine, i'll be back" and he came back with his nintendo DS and challenged me to mario kart since i had told him at dinner i've been at their frat before and played mario kart with david, jimmy and some of the other guys. isn't he sweet! lol. but i had to admit, playing mario kart made me dizzy but i didnt wanna offend him so i kept playing til i gradually stopped and pretended i was more interested in takling to him hahaha. at around 5, i felt like i was fit to drive so i decided to leave. alex was still there playing bartender lol. but its funny cuz on this afternoon, after i woke up, alex got out the shower and told me silas told her he'd call me... and she asked me what i thought. and i told her i dunno. i mean he's a nice guy and all but he strikes me as a guy who rushes into things and the last thing i need now is a relationship! so i told her i'll just feel things out. so today i went shopping in sf with catie and she updated me about her and kevin. ridiculous, i don't even wanna takl about it. but yeah. after shopping we went to dinner with johnny and denton when they met us up there. came back to berkeley, got yopo with alex and her bf and watched them act so couply and annoying. lol but yeah. so now i'm here studying! and i should really get to bed because i work tomorrow at 1030! hehehe. ok i'm really gonna go now. gooooooooooodnight all<3 ps. vegas in 5 days! MSG

THE TIME HAS COME DEC10TH07 // 12:43AM tomorrow is the last day of instruction and then we have dead days til thursday, then I'll have my first final exam! my final blocks suck ass. i have one the 13th, one the 14th, one the 15th and one the 19th! i'm gonna die for the first three finals! after that, i'll have completed my first semester at berkeley! well i have pretty fun plans this coming break... i won't be back in san jose until the 20th, which is where my friendsies<3 are gonna pick me up because we're going to VEGAS! ahhh the first time we went it was SUPER fun<3 so we tried as much as possible to get everyone to go but as always, people had issues getting time off work so close to christmas. BUT right now, the people we have going are: yours truly, katie, alex! (my new roomie), johnny, julianne, kassi, denton, mike, cj, kelly, natalie (...), lisa (maybe), and marissa. alex also said she might ask summer or nicki to go (some of her bestfriends at berkeley) just so she won't feel left out, but i already told her that she'll LOVE my friends. oh and the ... for natalie. yeah, that's the same natalie i was friends in high school with that talked a lot of shit and started hella drama. well how did she get invited? that's because cj's going and he's bringing his girlfriend and natalie's her little sister... ahah. i wonder how that'll turn out. well i know i wont say anything to her, but she's pretty dramatic (TRUST me) and i think she'll go out of her way to let me know she doesn't like me. whatever. not even gonna bother with that. but yeah. last i heard, natalie's bringing a friend too, so we had to count that person in for our suite. regardless, I CANNOT WAIT TO GO! lol. hmm can you guys believe stephen and i have been officially broken up for almost a year! lol. whew it's been so long. but i think it doesn't seem that way because we were still trying to work things out after the summer and stuff. oh well. i've got my clean break from him... and i intend to keep it that way! i've begun to accept the idea of dating lol! yay me. so alex is trying to arrange something with her sorority's exchange frat, but we'll seeee :) but yeah. it sucks always seeing alex's bf doing sweet stuff for her! ugh i'm so jealous lol. like how they frolic around the apartment parading their love! makes me sick! lol jk but yeah, it was so sweet this weekend. because it's not baseball season, he's always at home in santa rosa, and so he comes to see her but she couldnt see him this week because she needed to study for finals. so they had this like fight because his mom doesnt want him to be with alex because she's always busy with dance/classes/other stuff and he's pretty busy with baseball games/practices/rehab (and he plays for the major league so he's gone half the year), and so his mom wanted him to be with someone who he can come home to and to share a house with... which is not alex. and so alex was upset thinking that brandon was believing what his mom said, then the next day, she was doing a movie showing for one of her projects, and he freakin showed up with a boquet of flowers and surprised her! and you know what he said when she asked omg whats this all for?! he said "to let you know that no one can come between us"!!!! that shit only happens in movies i swear!!!!!! lol it was so cute... he's a freakin keeper! ok i gotta get back to textbook reading, i'll update after finals. wish me luck guys MSG

AHHHHHHHHH NOV28TH07 // 01:19AM wow. the week right before thanksgiving, while everyone was relaxing and taking an early thanksgiving break, I was so stressed! I had an econ project due, a research paper due and a problem set due on the Monday and Tuesday before Thanksgiving! then on wednesday, thank god, my 3 hour discovery lab was canceled! but I scheduled myself to work to make up for the hours I would be missing due to the break. I'm just thankful it's over, but that doesn't mean I'm still not hella busy. finals are in two weeks and I'm behind in a number of things for each class =\ yet here I am procrastinating! so thanksgiving break was a success! lol... since everyone came back to san jose, I really wanted to see and spend time with everyone but I was still mad at Lisa (I never explained why... lets just say her boyfriend, who I HATE, came to my family's house threatening to kill my brother) and Katie actually spent Thanksgiving in San Fernando valley! but needless to say, my barbeque that night was a success. Jenna was able to come through! I hadn't seen/talked to her in forever... but yeah. it was fun except that Denton and Kassi got in an argument and I was on Denton's side so I made Kassi cry but whatever!!! And now she's mad at me and won't let me explain myself. whatever, her stubborness got her stuck in the situation in the first place. anyways, thanksgiving lunch/dinner with the family was very very special =) I <3 my mom! So that night, while everyone wanted to go to Valley Fair after the bbQ ended at like 3am, I decided not to! I remembered how much I hate black Friday cuz of the long ass lines. i'm talking too much again. but yeah friday, I slept in then packed and went to Los Gatos with my brother and sister. we drove separately though because I intended to stay until Saturday evening, but they left after dinner. but yeah. so I stayed there with my dad and it was kinda boring, thank god I brought moose and muffin. but saturday morning we went to a winery which was really fun lol, then we went to versona park with my dogs and then i went shopping with my dad which was kinda awkward at first lol but it was great. after we had dinner then i went back to san jose. thennnnnnn i called marissa to hang out cuz it was her birthday on Tuesday! she had just had dinner with two of her friends and she had nothing to do cuz they were both going to an engagement party, but she wasnt going. so I called a friend from san jose state and he said there were a lot of parties because sjsu had won their football game that night.. so marissa and a friend tianna went party hopping, which was kinda lame because of all the sleezy guys but i had fun with one of the guys =) lol. don't worry, he's a friend! so then on sunday, i went over to johnny's to watch the game, but he was sick from beer pong so the whole time i was keeping my distance. it was a great game though! after that we went to have lunch then i came back home and spent time with my mom, helped her with dinner. that night i studied and did some homework til i found out i didnt bring my finance calculator with me! but yeah, i came back to berkeley monday morning and realized how much i missed the comfort of being home =( soooo you didnt think i'd just update you with all that boring stuff huh?! here's something interesting. so occasionally after my 11:00 lecture (which ends at 1230), I'd see Stephen cuz he'd be going to his 1230 lecture in a building next to the building i come out of. but it doesn't happen much because sometimes stephen's late maybe or most of the its cuz i come out way early from my lecture or way late. but i found an alternative route so i could avoid him. well it seems to have done me no good today lol. i went that alternative route and when I thought the coast was clear... I saw him coming and it was just me and him (we were both relatively early....) so I couldnt avoid him and make it seem like I didnt see him cuz of the crowd of people! so I looked at him... and he looked at me lol... and wow it was the most weirdest feeling ever. my heart was beating irregularly... so I sorta slowed down when he started approaching and said "hey... how are you" and we both chatted til the i glanced at the clock tower and told him he should get going to class! and he laughed and said "dont chastize me about my being late." then we gave each other a half hug and went our separate ways... or so i thought. a few seconds later i felt someone purposely bump into me (i already got out my phone to call katie!) and it was him and i was like "what are you doing" and he said "im gonna go buy a drink" and he started walking faster (away from me) cuz i guess he got the hint when i said what are you doing that i didnt wanna talk to him. but i did wanna lol so i asked him "where at?" and then we both talked til we got to the cafe. then that's when we went our separate ways for sure. =/ it felt so weirdddddddddddd. but i keep reliving the scene over and over, and replaying the jokes he said and the things that made me smile... and it just reminds me of the little things he'd do that'd always have me going back to him... ahhhhhh. i'm not saying this one confrontation had me fall back in love with him, but it just made me remember how it once was... and how i miss it... but i was making great progess, so i'll continue to keep my distance from stephen. ok that's all. well i better get to bed. i have that 3 hour discovery lab tomorrow =( so goodnight everyone. muffy & moose say gnight too! MSG

PROCRASTINATING... NOV18TH07 // 01:51AM AHHHHHH i stayed home this entire evening so I could write my paper, but I've been doing everything except my paper =( including this post... well life's been great. classes are a challenge, and i've been trying to stay on top of them, but i get even more behind when i'm trying to catch up. so when i get behind a chapter, i just skim it and read what whatever is needed to be read for the current week. work is work. sometimes its boring and repetitive, but sometimes i get to do fun stuff like calculating payrolls and expenses and stuff =) of course i can only do that when my supervisor is there, but sometimes when she's not, i have to do student assistant stuff with my other co worker, which sucks ass (mailing 20 brochures out in large envelopes... reading emails and entering them into databases, no thanks!). no boys i'm interested in. plenty are interested in me though. until they find out i'm 22 =*(*** hahaha jk, they're always shocked. but yeah my birthday was last month and i threw our first party at the apartment. it was a halloween/birthday party... and it was a success because our security (thanks to alex's sorority!) didn't let in random cal kids lookin for a party. so it was a fun, clean, and safe hyphy ass party lol. except when i had to kick out this 5'8 200lb playboy bunny girl cuz she drank too much and was pushin people who got in her way... and then she wanted to fight me. hahahah oh anyways. maybe i should get back to writing my paper. i cant wait til thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) i'm having a bbQ at my houseeeeee<3 for friends that night so we're gonna drink and eat oysters which is bad cuz it heightens the chance of getting poisoned but oh well! lol ok ttyl MSG

I KNOW I KNOW! OCT21ST07 // 02:12AM i know i said i would write about stephen in here anymore but i just can't help it. i guess it's been around a month since we've last spoken and that was when i told him to stop texting or calling me because i just needed to get over him. well he just recently started texting me again. last week he text me inviting me to go to a party the baseball house was throwing. and the next day he asked me how my midterms went (i guess he had checked my facebook) and i felt kinda bad... because i know how he is and i know how if we were in a fight, he never gave in when it came to who called the other first or in a sense who was the one who came crawling back. it was always me. and so he probably was having a hard time. so on wednesday, working was goin a little slow and i sent him an email updating him on how berekely's been for me and telling him how i appreciate his texts and his concerns but i still thought i needed time to get over him. and i told him i cant stop him from texting me, but he should just know that i probably most likely wont respond and that if he respected me, he'd stop texting me altogether. soooooooo that night he responded and wrote a 10 page essay, seriously he wrote so much. and that's what i was afraid of. i didnt wanna read it, understand where hes coming from, and go back to him. but i did read it... and it was just him saying it was hard on him too blahblahblah, and so i emailed him and told him he needs closure and so i told him im sorry that it took me leaving for him to finally realize we had something good. i told him i have no hard feelings towards him and that we can always be friends, but before that happens, we both need to get past what he had or else we're just gonna fall back into that relationship we had... and i said more... and he responded the next morning with a very simple sentence "thanks for that email... i wish you the best in life... maybe we will be friends again like u said." and after that email i fell back into a slumber :( i mean i knew it was over then, but it was like breaking up all over againnn. but i've made great progress. it's just that when i'm by myself driving or something, that's when i'll start thinking about him. so i always have to be occupied with something, but it's fine. i really don't know if stephen and i can ever be friends again... i mean stephen was a great person and a great boyfriend, it's just that he'd get so carried away sometimes. but anywaysssssss onto another related subject. so the whole problem with stephen was always that he had other priorities over me. well, catie and her bf of three years are having the same problems. and it's ridiculous cuz its even worse than what i went through with stephen. catie works weekends in fremont so when she works, she stays at kevin's place and then on weekdays she goes to school in alameda and lives with me and alex in berekely. she said whenever she goes to kevin's shes always excited to see him and that shed go to his house waiting for him to come home from work, and he'd call her and say he'd take another shift, or work another 3 hours or so, and by the time he'd get back, he'd fall asleep on her. she said this has happened multiple times and the extent to where this has gone and how long its been going on... just leaves me so clueless. i mean i left stephen for this same exact problem and i dont mean to be an LC but i keep telling catie to stop crawling back to him. he treats her so bad! so they were on a break this whole week right... and she gave in and finally called him and asked him would he like to stay on this break, and he said yeah he would... so when she got back from work, she told me that was what she needed to hear in order to get over him. well next thing you know... an hour later she calls him again and i guess he didnt pick up so she left him a voicemail. then i asked catie if she wanted to go out to eat with nicki and she said "no im waiting on kevin to call, he might wanna go out" and i asked her if he said he'd call and i guess he had told her that he'd be in berkeley eating dinner with his cousin who goes to school here, and he said when hes done he'd call her. well at around 9 he never called so while i was on the phone with marissa, i heard catie talking on the phone with kevin and she was saying "well ill prob get there in half an hour, are u gonna be awake" or whatever and asking him if she goes, if hell sleep or spend time with her and a bunch of other questions. then she started grabbing her keys and she was gonna leave and i asked her where shes going, and she seemed hesitant to tell me but she said shes going to kevins and i said "so he called you?" and she said no that she called him and that he said he meant to call her... and she told me how she could check his vmail bc she knows his pin or whatever, so she checked if he had gotten her vmail because he hadnt called her... and she said he already deleted it, so thats why she called him. to see why he didnt call her back after he checked the vmail. so shes like "but yeah... i guess ill see you tomorrow and ill let you know how things go." it just irritated me so bad because its exactly what i went through with stephen. its so crazy how similar both stephen and kevin are. kevin is a golfer and he's trying to go pro with it so he'll always put that before catie, and upon that he has this room mate who he always defends and chooses over his own girlfriend of 3 years. its just sad cuz catie tried to do what i did with stephen, and she went 1 week wihtout calling him, then she had to give in... ah!!! but anyways im getting so tired of writing about this. i'm over it... next subject PLEASE. actually im just gonna go read. im tired of thinking so much. goodnight. MSG

SOMEONE PUT ME TO BED, BED, BED... OCT4TH07 // 02:32AM Lol I cannot sleep and I have to get up at 730 for my 9am discussion tomorrow! Blah I blame it on the full throttle I had at dinner. Lol catie had two bottles of corona at dinner, and our lovely alessandra was in woodside hills visiting her mom who flew in from LA. Catie and I watched gossip girl and were hella pissed at serena for putting up with blairs shit! After the epi, alex text me SHY!!!!!!! And ranted about blair bein a bitch lol. So anywayssssss. I have a quiz tomorrow for my mass marketing class. Its so retarded because the professor gave us a list of 150 vocabs last week n were gonna get tested on 10 of the vocabs the GSI randomly chooses tomorrow. I was able to only study prob 100 of the words, everything else I left undefined. My fingers getting tired =( so ive been keeping up with my work... Only behind in 1 class really.. But yeah. So here i go again... When im brushing my teeth, walking to/from class, cleaning my closet, etc., all i repeat in my head is "i miss stephen..." i dont do it intentionally either... I just catch myself thinking it. I figured out why (thanks to nicki). I know its weird because stephen and i had veen broken up since december, so why all of a sudden am i feeling affected by it? Its because even after we broke up, i always thought we'd eventually get back together, so i never let myself get over him. We almost got back together so many times, with me hoping he had changed. I even knew for sure we'd get things back on track once i transferred to berkeley. So it finally hit me when i realized, yeah he did love me, but not as much as i loved him. I could never say i left katie or lisa or anyone hanging in order to be with and see stephen. However, i did miss out on a lot of things because i was always in berkeley, driving back and forth. And ive reiterated this so much, but its just something i cant get over. I know the reason for our break up was equally on my behalf as well as his. For me, it was my lack of communication. For him it was having other priorities. But stephen made me who i was. Everytime i'd call seemed not to be to immediately talk to him. I called to leave a "missed call" on his phone so he could call me at his convenience. After awhile i just wouldnt bother to call and we'd go a week only talking once or twice. I guess its my fault because i let him get use to it and so then it expanded and wasnt just phone calls. It was broken plans and called off dates and rescheduled weekends. It was things i didnt mind until it became too late. I was at a point in my relationship with stephen where i wouldve put him above my friends, and when i tried to advance with this new transformation, stephen was always pushing me back. He still had baseball, drinking, friends and sports before me. This was when i broke up with him hoping he'd change. I made it 8 months without him, but always thinking id eventually be led back to him. I got accepted to his university, the #2 ranked business school, and call me crazy, but i thought it was cuz i was meant to be with stephen. When he showed that he didnt change, i realized it was it for me and him, for US. And that meant id actually have to completely get over him, something i never did or tried to do. And thats the reason why im taking it SO hard. Sure for him, he can just go and replace me, he always did that before. I never did. I preoccupy myself with school and work, but that never filled the void. Sometimes i still wish that he'd text or call me at 1am just to show that he still thinks of me even if its in "that" way. So from now on, no more monitering his facebook or myspace or our old texts and emails. No more writing about him... No more! Goodnight from us all (the pups) MSG

OCT2ND07 // 01:55AM damn i just barely finished my finance database, which is due tomorrow at 9am. i'm so tired and so emotional... blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, gotta go back to reading good night all... "just when i thought i was done, you pull me in for another round" MSG

TIME FLIES SEP26TH07 // 05:46PM jesus christ we're already into the 5th week of school! i had a midterm yesterday for my finance class followed by a lecture, yes a lecture. we had the midterm for an hour and a half and then the other hour and a half he spent lecturing. not too pleasant. oh well. so today i had class and work from 10am-5pm and now i'm exhausted. i'm gonna have dinner with tracy and teresa in an hour then i have two hw assignments to do and a quiz to study for. on top of that... i gotta watch gossip girl with alex and catie! lol oh yeah it's so funny... alex's bf is a pitcher for the mariners (the pro team!!!) and he graduated from cal last year after being drafted to the pros! i met him before when i would go to the baseball house with stephen. so when i told alex all about me and stephen we were makin fun of how i got stuck with the sucky player and she got the star lol. if i talked to stephen i'd ask him about brandon but no thanks... it's funny how when you're feeling so vulnerable, every song you hear feels like it was written JUST for you... (katharine mcphee - everywhere i go, sheryl crow - the first cut is the deepest). anywho! i love going to work<33333333 i still havent gotten paid :( but yeah work is fun. it's such a pretty day today, i'm gonna walk muffin and moose and find some cute boys LOL jk. i still cant wait to get a teacup<333333 :) MSG

GRRR! SEP13TH07 // 07:59PM dudeeeee no wonder i haven't been able to go on blurty, DC++, limewire and other stuff! my freakin firewall wasn't allowing them access to the internet. what a shitter. well its been awhile hasn't it! let me read back on my past entry and refer back to the present... ok i guess my whole entry last month was about my situation with stephen. well i can HAPPILY say that stephen and i are not going to work things out. as much as i wanted to, and i still do, he just isn't the person i want him to be, which is the person he was when we first started dating. he wasn't too happy about my decision and how i made him compromise his relationship with the other girl he was with, but i couldn't just be with him and end up getting hurt again. i realized he hadn't changed because when i moved to berkeley, he called me twice at 2am in the morning (on two different days) while i was sleeping because he wanted to come over... and the this other time he wanted to come over and i told him he can come over tomorrow, but the next day he never called or anything. i just feel like he only wants to spend time with me when it's convenient for him. i know we're both busy people, but i would never make him feel the way he makes me feel... it's just so hard for me because i'm in berkeley, the place i would frequent when i spent time with him the two years we were together... so i'm used to going to certain restaurants around here with him. i told him i don't want him to call me or talk to me anymore because i need move on - and that we can be friends in the future, but at the time, i just don't need him complicating my life! it sucks cuz i'm losing a best friend here... he doesn't realize how much i hoped that he had changed and how incredibly disappointed in him i was. well i guess now he can move on too and spend as much time with his baseball team and other endeavors without me wanting him to share his time. it's the best for the both of us. so my collegiate experience here at berkeley has been great :) i love the people i've met and i love my classes and my job! i've become really good friends with my room mate Alex and I've met a lot of people through her, mostly girls from her sorority! they wanted me to rush but I'm 21 and there pledge class is mostly 18 and 19 year olds lol, so i passed. i've met a few people from my classes... lol it's so funny cuz i have this one girl in my class and we always sit next to each other and we talk and after class we walk to the next building together (different classes though) and i don't even know her name lol! i figured it'd be awkward to ask her what her name was... so it went on like that for a couple weeks until she introduced herself before asking a question in lecture lol. i thought that was funny. but anywhooooooooooooooooo. the parties here > santa cruz parties lol. seriously! my jobs been going good. i haven't gotten paid and i've been almost working a month :( that's because i get paid monthly and when i began work in august, the timesheet for that month had already been due. so come october 1st, i should be getting a fat ass check :) but yeah, they're renovating our office in the next three weeks so i'm gonna be getting my own little cubicle + a brand new desktop! muffin and moose have been doing good. i've taught them so many tricks in the past month. they have to go through a series of tricks in order to get a treat so i call it there little dance :) lol first they do a circle, then sit, then shake right hand, then left hand, then lay down, then roll over then they get there treat! lol now i'm working on having them beg which is hard to do especially for fat ass moose! before stephen and i decided not to work things out, we wanted to get a teacup chihuahua and were talking about it... but i guess that's not happening with him anymore. i still hella want one though! my room mate alex has a teacup chihuahua and she has a yorkie, but her mom has other dogs too. she's an IB major, going pre-vet! how fun is that. anyways. so maybe in the future i'll look into getting moose and muffin another sibling! so i have the iPhone, which i absolutely love, and i got it like a couple weeks before the price went 200 dollars lower! but good thing i kept my receipt! i'm going to sf this weekend so i'm gonna get a rebate on it. well i'm gonna watch big brother and study. i'll update soon! MSG

HAHA OH HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED! AUG18TH07 // 04:37AM wow! so today after my dinner at CPK, which went great btw, we went to the movies to see Superbad... and after, johnny, denton, mike and the guys wanted to drink at denton's and have a little something for me before i move, but i told them we can do it tomorrow after the 49ers game because i have a 1030am hair appointment tomorrow (technically is today...) so i was gonna have to get up early to get ready! so instead lisa and marissa came to my house and we were chillin in my cousin's old room before she had moved out a couple years ago, and my mom had moved the old computer i used to use back in my rebellious days into that room... so i was bored and i turned it on, and was surprised to see it still worked... and i clicked on aol and saw my old sn still there with all my bookmarks and there i found it... a link to my old journal! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH it dated back from when i was 17!!! lets sum up how RETARDED i was! - at the time i was with some gangsterwannabedumbass LOL and i used to end every entry with some sort of vow that i would love him forever. for example: iLY FOREVER<333 hahahha and the retard was in prison for assault with a deadly weapon!!!! hahaha - i would make this face a lot :l hahahah - i used to argue with my mom a lot cuz she wouldnt let me do things my way, what a dumbass i was. - i dont talk to ANY of those fuckers i used to hang out with. the only ppl i still am friends with are lisa, tony, josh and catie! then later on there was jamie and marissa and mallory... - and this is the dumbest thing ever, although it put into light the situation im in with stephen right now. i waited over a year for a guy who cheated on me twice, went to jail, and cheated on me again when he came out! and i still was on his nuts after that and it took me what... a year to get over him??? HAHA and when i met stephen, i didnt wanna get with him cuz i was still occasionally thinking of my ex. wow i was such a character back then... - i also figured out that i had private entries on this journal that dated back to when stephen and i first met and how sooooooo infatuated we were by each other. whats funny is that... our break up in december was over the fact that he never made an effort to come see me... and i had an old entry, 3-4 months while we were dating, where he got mad at me and stormed off cuz i was being "effortless" in the relationship. lol.... i had a fun time reading that stuff! i'd been reading it for 3-4 hours... and who knew the old, foolish me would give me insight into my current situation with stephen. this is my psychological/therapeutical take: the reason why it was so hard for me to move on from JB was because I was with him for 2 years (give or take the year he was gone) and i got used to having a bf, so after we broke up, i'd keep going back to what was familiar and comfortable to me, and that was my relationship with JB... and what's so ridiculous is that... after breaking up with JB for about a month, he had called and made a comment about going out to dinner, and i remember being happy and excited and ready to go... but when that day came, JB didn't even remember he had asked me (twice) and that was the last straw for me. after that i completely ended things with him. well, what if he had remembered and we had gone on that date... i wouldve been back with him -- with a guy who at times treated me great, but would go and do the most hurtful things to me. and so now it's got me wondering if stephen's just as bad as this ex, but in a different way. i now feel like i'm going back to stephen because of that familiarity :\ after stephen and i broke up for the 2nd time, i seriously did try to move on and i did have a two flings... but it was always stephen all along... and now i'm having second thoughts again... i remember talking to jamie a month ago... and we were talking about her sorority sister who was with her bf for 6 years before breaking up and i told her it's always shocking to me when people are together for so long, and they break up and manage to stay broken up and jamie agreed and asked the most astounding question "where does all the love go?" now it's seriously got me thinking why i really want to be with stephen! he never changed after i gave him that second chance... and who's to say he'll change now... it's funny cuz I know JB was my first love but i don't ever remember it being as strong as i made it feel in my old journal. with stephen, i just feel like i do still love him... it's just a matter of whether i should be with him or not. i mean, sure now i feel like he's THE ONE but what if we don't get back together and i meet another guy who i know for sure IS the one!!!!! lollll. but even when i was dating tommie and derick after breaking up with stephen, i just never committed myself or even tried to because i didnt want to start a relationship all over again. with stephen i feel like i can go back to him and start right where we left off... maybe that's not a good enough reason. blahhh i need some reassurance! gotta get up early for a long day tomorrowwwww. going to the niners game too so ill just not think about this until later! MSG

SUMMER :] AUG15TH07 // 10:11PM So far summer has been really good, but also kinda eh. I got a job in Berkeley... :) and it's an office job yay... I'll be working assistant to the Business Operations Specialist in Accounting for the grad school (School of Information) in Berkeley. I'm so excited! my first day is going to be on the 22nd, because they're having an orientation for their newly admitted students. Then the woman who hired me, Shirley, will give me the 27th-31st (never work weekends) off in order to organize my fall schedule cuz that's the week fall classes start. I told her it is okay and I don't need that week off because I've already set my schedule but she is insisting, because I might attend a class and not like it and have to change my schedule which would then affect my work schedule... so for now I'll be working 1-5pm on the 22nd and 23rd and 8am-1pm during the day of the orientation. I won't get paid as much as I did working at WaMu (by a dollar) and it probably won't be as fun (there's only one other student working in the office!), but it's a good opportunity to get started in the business/accounting field, yay me :) so with my job starting earlier than I thought, I'll be moving to Berkeley on Monday, Catie's been there since the lease began on the 15th, and Alex, our other room mate that I found through Nicki will be moving in next Thursday, she said. Alex wanted to bring her dogs too, and I felt bad telling her no, but she lives about an hour away so she said that it'll be fine... anyways. I'm pretty much set for college, got my new 12inch laptop and all :) no new car yet... still very undecided. I'm considering a Range Rover now! lol... I need to decide soon, because I met a man that owns a BMW dealership that wants me to trade in my car... and I've been busy lately so who knows when this will happen. stephen says the best thing I could do is actually go look at the cars instead of looking online (like i have been!) so we'll see! so Stephen and I are making some progress, I guess you could say. it wasn't at all easy as it seems! a lot of feelings were hurt lol. so I told stephen I'd feel things out between us this summer... but he was being really distant from me sooo i used Nicki's facebook account to look at Stephen's facebook (only people in the Berkeley network could look) and I saw pictures of him and some girl, which was not his ex, and she left him a comment saying something along the lines of "its not my fault i live in so cal and you miss me! i miss you too punk face" except it was more flirty and hunky dory. so i decided I didnt wanna snoop anymore so i was emo for about a second then I ignored it, I figured i dug myself into a hole, so I had to deal with it! I talked to Katie and Jamie and they said I should talk to him about how I still liked him, but I felt like he would think that it's only because he's moved on that I want him back, and that wasn't the case at all... so I just left it alone. and i had told him a week prior to that that i'd be going to Berkeley at the beginning of August... and he had called me and left me texts but I didnt respond because I didnt want to see him! so on sunday he DEMANDED that we talk and so we did -- and we argued -- and apologized, and cried LOL JK, but yeah. I basically told him that I know it was my fault if he moved on, and that's fine, but if he wanted to work things out, which he wanted to... I told him to take a week to himself to make the decision because he really liked the girl he's with right now... and I wanted him to see if he wanted to be with her, cuz they might very much as well have something special. I feel really bad to put him in this situation, but I put NO pressure on him whatsoever... so it is gonna be his decision... we'll see this coming Monday I guess. and so the EH part of summer is my friendship with Lisa. it sucks cuz she's my BESTfriend and so when I came back to San Jose, we hung out for a couple times then she stopped calling me to go out and stuff because she and her bestfriend in middle school were hanging out again and she told me its cuz that girl was going to so cal for a month, so she's trying to spend as much time with her before she actually leaves... and she gave me this explanation without me saying anything to her beforehand lol. so that month her friend was gone we hung out a few times, then when she came back Lisa didnt call or talk to me anymore, and we havent hung out for awhile even though I'm here in San Jose. she did come over three times, once to borrow clothes, the other time to borrow my hair thinning scissor, and the other time to give me my I.D. i had left in her wallet when we went clubbing... and thats cuz i asked her for it. so now i'm leaving next week and i asked her today if she could drop by and return a lot of my clothes she borrowed... and she said okay, she'll drop it off next monday and i asked her if she wants to go to CPK with the rest of us and she said she'll see. I think it's just full of shit that she said she's only hanging out with Jennie (her friend) cuz she's leaving to somewhere for a month, and that month that Jennie's gone, she hangs out with me until her friend gets back, then she ditches me. the only time she comes to my house is to borrow shit or drop shit off - hey i'm leaving in a week, and she's not even trying to spend time with me. 2nd on her Top Friends my ass. She just can't be my friend when it's convenient for her, if she doesnt go to my dinner, I'm gonna be very upset! :( however, i'm not as mad as I sound - I've carried on without her, I have friends of my own that I don't go ditching her for, but maybe it'll be that way now. what a long ass entry after a long ass day. Upcoming events: 17th: dinner at CPK before I leave 18th: 49ers game with the guys! 19th: seacliff beach before I leave 20th: move my stuff to berkeley from SJ 21st: move my stuff to berkeley from SC 22nd: my first day of work :) 27th: first day of class! ah! i'll update again soooooooon, i promise :) <3 oh and muff and moose are doing great, and my sister has been telling me good things of tatertot! muff still goes around with her 49er bear, Alex, who I now call her bf (it's the bear with Stephen's scent on it!) and well, moose is the laziest and sleepiest dog ever, trust me - he sleeps every opportunity he gets! mypups MSG

OOOOOOOPS JUL26TH07 // 02:41AM lol so much for writing more often! i've been so busy since i've moved back to san jose. plus, my parents cancelled the internet so i just recently made a call to comcast and they're sending the modem and whatever, the equiptment so i gotta wait for that. so onto some news... i've already given tatertot to my sister and my niece... and everytime i go visit, she always runs to me :] i love that feeling! my friend kelly and i both took our dogs to get neutered, so moose is recovering right now! poor guy, he lost his manhood. oh well good, he won't be humping muffin's toys anymore. oh and muffin was deathly ill last week! she kept throwing up, even when she only drank water and it got to the point where she threw up blood. i cried SO MUCH, i thought she was gonna die so i was gonna bring her to the vet but decided to wait and see if she'd be better the next day, and she was, and now she's so much better! and with the apartment in berkeley... nicki and tera decided to move to the previous apartment that nicki and i had found on frat row. it's only a two bedroom so i was forced to find another apartment! thankfully... there were a lot of 1 bedroom apartments available but i found a BEAUTIFUL two bedroom + another smallish room townhouse/apartment! i love it! its so spacious with very high ceilings and a lot of open space and there's like a little room/not really a room upstairs where the balcony is (oh it's called a loft lol) that my friend Catie's gonna stay at a few days a week! she works in oakland and doesn't wanna live with her on/off again bf so she'll be staying there a 4 or 5 days a week. as for the extra bedroom, nicki told me her sorority sister had signed a dorm contract but decided she wanted to live in an apartment (and she's wealthy) so she wanted to see the apartment and meet me sooo she was leaving to LA at the end of the month so i had to go up there yesterday to show her. she's so sweet and very very cute and is kinda tall, i thought she should be a model but she's a dancer lol. anyways enough of my lesbianism. so she absolutely loved it but didnt like the idea of living with a stranger lol but she warmed up to me cuz she likes dogs too, she has two of her own and is studying pre-vet, so she said she'll think about it and let me know... so now i'm just waiting on her. but anyways, there's a backyard for the dogs and marble showers! ah! lol :) and the rent is kinda heavy but it's great cuz it's only 15 minutes from campus and there's 2 car parking! so we'd be splitting the rent 25/35/40 depending who gets the master, which will be me! and catie'd pay 25% since shes living in the loft. everytime i look at the pictures i just wanna move in! after this weekend i have two interviews for jobs in berkeley. they are both on campus jobs that i found through the berkeley website. one is at a graduate school and the other is at the International Studies department. i'd have applied for a lot more but the slow internet my parents use was pissing me off! umm so i guess that's about it? plans for the next few days: friday - watch the simpson's with my friendsies<3 saturday to monday morning - las vegas for Johnny's 22nd birthday! tuesday - dinner for my sister's 23rd birthday wednesday - interviews in berkeley next friday - visit katie in santa cruz <3 okkkkkkkk so that's enough of my rambling. other than that, i've just been shopping! i seriously have an addiction =( k it's getting awfully late right now, and i gotta get up early tomorrow to go to kaiser for an appointment. laterrrrrrrrrrrrrr MSG

GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS JUN26TH07 // 07:21PM i juuuuuuuuust got home from work! 1-6pm, not bad, plus I got to work with Greg today hahaha so we were talking dirty to each other and bein all funny. I'm gonna miss work! saturday's my LAST day working there... and we're gonna get ice cream tomorrow just to say our goodbyes. gonna miss my coworkers<3 well like i said, after work last friday katie and i drove to berkeley and got sooooo lost, thanks mapquest.com for nothing! and so nicki and tera helped me find where they were staying... so after i got there we went to sufficient grounds to eat and look for apartments on nicki's lappy! sucks i decided to go on friday cuz most of the open house were on saturday and sunday... but we found a good few and bookmarked them. berkeley is so icky! all the apartments look all rundown and stuff... anyways so nicki and tera went to the openings and called the ones we wanted. soooooo the good news is that one of the places they went to look at offered us a lease AND IT'S A HOUSE! it's super nice and very spacious and had JUST been renovated, but its 8 blocks away from campus! and supposedly it's really hard to find parking so we'd probably have to get a permit for our cars or take the bus. i had no problem getting a permit while i was at ucsc but nicki and tera really didn't wanna do it but none of the other apartments offered us a lease so they've grown fond of the idea. i was looking for the posting on craigslist so i can show the pictures but i guess the owner took off the listing. we haven't signed the least yet because i won't be able to go up there until sunday or monday... so that's when i plan to go up there again. i'm so happy this is all over and done with! now the bad news! they were talking to the owner and he was allowing pets but didn't want three dogs in the house... so i talked to my sister about giving tatertot to my niece. and so now i'm keeping moose and muffin, but i'll probably keep muffin's at stephens sometimes if it becomes a problem... we'll see when i go up there to talk to the owner. i'm so sad! =( well i finally talked to stephen two nights ago cuz muffin did something so incredibly cute! well my friend Rachel wanted to borrow one of my books for her summer class so she came to pick it up and I had to go through all my storage boxes and i pulled out ALEX! my old 49er bear that i used to keep at stephen's lol and i had sprayed stephen's cologne on it... and well i found the book and whatever and i took Alex out and threw him at moose and moose was all chewing the nose and muffin came and smelled the bear then she punked moose and got the bear... and i thought it was cuz she wanted to play with it cuz moose and muffin always play tug o war together (and tatertot just barks at them lol), but this time everytime moose got close she would growl at him and show her teeth and even attacked him!!! then when i yelled at her she dragged the bear into a corner and just laid there with it and kept smelling it... and when i went to go get the bear she kept following me and jumping at me because she wanted it and i didnt understand it! then malissa was like she probably smells stephen's cologne... and i thought about it and that was probably it. because she usually would play with stuffed animals, but this one she was just taking care of it... and she hasn't seen stephen since december so she probably misses him! so i called stephen and he surprisingly picked up (i called him and text him a few weeks ago but he never responded)... and i told him and he got all emo lol. so after the conversation kinda died he said he had to go and hung up. i guess he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore =( well on my day off thursday we're goin to six flags discovery kingdom since kassi came back from rosarito, mexico. i cant wait to see all the animalssssssssssss lol. well i'm gonna go eat with katie and malissa and chris! MSG

THE WEEK THAT WAS! JUN21ST07 // 01:36AM ahhh i'm always so busy these days. i'm gonna try not to make my entries so freakin long because when i reread them, i begin to feel like i'm reading a boring ol' research paper! well for father's day my plan's changed. instead of going to six flags marine world, i went home to san jose and i went grocery shopping and got cupcake mix and made my stepdad cupcakes and i also got him this nascar clock for the garage since he's into cars and stuff. i found out that afternoon the guys ended up not going to six flags either cuz they had a bonfire the night before and got drunk and couldnt wake up in time to go! haha. so we're making plans to go again and they're tryna work around my work schedule since we all really wanna go! well after i had lunch with my step dad and my mom, i went to my sisters house to hang out and we both got extra dressed up since dad was taking us to an upscale restaurant! :) my brother ended up coming so it was good getting us all back together since my brother and my dad aren't really the best of friends! so we went to eat at a french restaurant at santana row called Left Door and we had a private dining room and everything! when i gave my dad his present he thought i photoshopped the picture lolol oh how funny... i feel like i'm talking too much! ummmmm so after dinner i came back home to say bye to mom and pick up some dinner she cooked so that i can rewarm it back in santa cruz lol. other than that, the week has been very uneventful. monday was catie's birthday and she had planned to do a bbQ but instead went to Vegas with her bf. she asked a bunch of us to go but it was wayyy too last minute for us to get time off of work or to reschedule things we had already planned to do! but now she's back and we're planning to all go to dinner sometime that we're all available. i'm going back to san jose tomorrow since i don't work. i'm gonna go shopping with my sister and catie and natalie and i are gonna meet up and find something to do! then on friday after work, i'm gonna drive to berkeley and hang out with my future room mates at their summer sublet. i'm gonna help them unpack and we're gonna look for apartments. i don't think i'll be able to make time for stephen cuz that's when he's coming back from seattle too! we havent talked much since i told him i dont wanna work things out... i miss my bestfriend! oh well hopefully he'll get over it and talk to me again like old times! i'm not sleepyyyyyy. katie and malissa are out again! grrr makes me jealous =( lol i'm always stuck working or something. they ask me to go out but i always stay home and watch tv. i love my tv. and my puppies who are peacefully sleeping! i'm training them now since i have time when i'm always home! well muffy's always known the basic commands, so now i'm training moose and tatertot to lay and stand and all that good stuff! they like pupperoni as their treats. EW!!! THERE'S A SPIDER!! i'ma hairspray it. ok all done. i'ma watch tv and fall asleep. the puppies say goodnight! :) MSG

WHY HELLO JUN16TH07 // 02:46AM i'm trying to keep my promise by updating! i'll talk about yesterday first :) well, katie, malissa and i were supposed to be at Ruby Tuesday's by 8 so that we could have enough time to drive to SF for clubbing... but we were fashionably half an hour late lol. so we got there at 8:40ish so we ordered appetizers instead since it'd be smaller and faster! that's how we make up for being late :p anyways omg, so at dinner they were asking questions like who's gonna be the last to have kids and they said ME! how unfair... absolutely untrueeeee. i was like "what?! i want kids as soon as i'm married!" and they were like "exactly" lol thinking i'm never gonna get married! but i want a kid at least before i'm 26 and that's not old, so hopefully i'm not the last... anyways lol. so after i ate my food and scrubbed off of Chris's food (haha), we left so that we could make the hour plus drive to sf. dudeee our friend Jaelynn couldn't get in cuz she was wearing jeans that went up to her knee and I guess it was too casual... but luckily i had some clothes in my trunk from when I went back home to san jose to study!!! so she borrowed my clothes and everything was all good! i saw Josh, Randy and some other guys I know from San Jose there cuz it was Josh's birthday and he invited me to his party that was going on today... and I saw a lot of other people there toooo how fun :) i had to give miss katie a talk though! whenever i would dance with a guy she would stop dancing with me and wander off somewhere so we went to the bathroom and i talked to her about it and some girls were looking at us and whispering "theyre gonna fight" lol what dumb beeeeeezies. i would never fight katie! she has a problem with me cuz i never wanna dance with her or the other girls and so we talked about it and everything was okay! wooo but what a night it was. i was tired! we got back to santa cruz at 330! and i couldn't sleep for an hourrrr i was just tossing and turning. i was tired but felt so restless!!! and i had work the next day too lol. so today i got up at 10, let the puppies out to pee and showered and stuff... then instead of eating lunch, i played with the dogs so that they wouldnt be hyperactive and annoy katie while i was off at work. so i worked 1 to 5 and listened to the new manager ramble on with his nonsense. he was talking about how he likes to leave the window open when he sleeps so he can feel the breeze and imagine he's in the bahamas. lol. he TALKS A LOT!!! anyways, after work i went over to visit chris since my jobs around the corner from his apartment... and they were getting ready to play ball at the park and they asked me to go so that I could drive them!!! lol damn them. but i had nothing better to do so we were there from 630 til almost 9. that's what's so great about summer <3 the sun sets later! but back to the park. it was fun watching them play! and i got to talk a lot with kelly (one of the guys girlfriend). she's so sweet and fun to talk to! i've met her before when i've hung out with chris before but yeah, she's a cool girl. so after that we were figuring out what to do cuz there were a handful of frat parties going on since finals ended yesterday... but we didn't wanna party... so instead we went to one of chris' friends birthday bbQ and yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy good decision. the steak & salsa... <3 lol and his mom was there cooking it! she made the salsa, cut the meet, provided tortillas lol it was great. the guys were drinking beer yuck and we were playing poker. i was chris' lucky charm cuz he won 80 dollarsssssss lol. so i hung out there and met some new friends (right before i'm leaving too :[) then i decided to leave at 1am cuz i missed my dogs plus i have work at 1045 tomorrow =( it was so great coming home. katie and malissa were out so the apartment was pitch black (poor dogs i always leave a little lamp on on the kitchen/living room counter but i guess they turned it off) and my puppies ran to my feet =) such a great feeling! and now they're all on the bed sleeping. muffin and moose were play fighting then muffin made moose yelp so i made her go to sleep. lol what a funny sentence! tatertot kept wanting to sleep in her bed on the floor but i kept forcing her on my bed so i guess she got tired and just laid there then fell asleep. i lalalalalove my dogs! sooooooo the tattoo i want is a slut stamp! lol i want it on my lower back, the right side... i was thinking of getting the word Sassy in really nice cursive letters with a lot of loops and cute stufffffffff it'd be so cute! but i'm stilllll thinking about it. johnny said he doesnt think i'd be able to handle the pain, but poo him, what does he know. i also wanna get chanel sandles! the ones that go up to the ankles! they're so cute, but i'm also content with getting some knock offs! it'd be so cute to wear with a skirt this summer. i'm sooo gonna go shopping for some! i got my dad this really cute, customized picture frame. its actually more than a frame... it's hard to describe! but there's a golfing stick and some balls and a metal plate that says Happy Fathers Day, Daddy! and at the bottom of that it says 2007. and i put a picture of him and I golfing when we went last year! he hasn't seen the picture yet so he'll be really surprised that i still have it! but anyways i got it for him cuz he has a glass shelf where he keeps golfing memorabilia so he can just stick the frame in there. how cute is that :) we're going to dinner on sunday in san jose with my sister and hopefully my brother. i can't wait! but that day, i'm gonna go to marine world with johnny and the guys, so we've got to be done with that by 5 or 6 so i can make it to dinner! i look forward to sunday. i'm thinking of going back to san jose tomorrow since i'm going out with johnny and denton and stuff so it'll be more convenient. oh well, we'll see! well its 2:45 and i've gotta get up in 6 hours! ah! good night everyone MSG

EXHALEEEEEEEEEEEE JUN14TH07 // 07:01PM omg i'm sooooooo relieved! i'm done with finals! so damn intense and overwhelming. I studied so hard... I hardly ever saw Katie and Malissa the past few days cus I was either at the library or at a rec room studying somewhere. I don't think anyone understands how relieved i am to be done! I studied all day yesterday and took a nap from 5pm-7pm then I went to the 24 hour room and studied til 8am today! then I came back slept an hour, ate and showered and everything then took my test from 1230 til 330. this was the first time I'd ever taken a final and used up the whole time allotted. that's how demanding the test was! well then i came back and had a meal from jack in the box talked to lisa on the phone then knocked out from all the cholesterol and woke up at 45 minutes ago lol. thank god katie woke me up! so we're gonna go to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays with everyone who's finished with finals at 8 :) i'm so happy to see and talk to some faces and actually have time to gossip about PARIS AND LINDSAY!!! i'm especially excited to see Chris! i haven't seen him much since we moved and i miss my bestfriend! well after dinner we're gonna go clubbing in SF <3 another excuse for us to get dressed up and look oh so cuteee. i'm gonna try to write this post by 7pm so I can get up and get dressed. i'm actually gonna make an effort to write a lot more in here so that I can come back and read how I was feeling when so and so happened, just so that I don't get carried away and become detached with my own emotions! lisa's such a good therapist<3 i was telling her about stephen right before i knocked out after my test... and she told me she wanted me to go online and read the email i had sent her when stephen and i broke up in november... and i told her i'll do so later. then she said when i got back with stephen in december, it bothered her cuz of how i told her he made me feel when he broke up with me... and it seemed to her like I was giving in to what he wanted and not what I wanted... so with that, i went to sleep... and I woke up and read the email (after searching for it!!! i seriously get hella emails from work, from family, some friends... and its not spam!) i had sent her and OH MY GOD, I wrote every damn detail in there and it was sooooo eye opening when I read it... I even quoted Stephen in the email!!! and I dont remember writing it probably cuz I was an emotional mess... but man, stephen was such a jerk when he broke up with me lol. i wanna read that email to him haha :p i'm such a meanie. so after I read it... i thought i'm just gonna do my own thing this summer... and once school starts... it's fair game... i mean, i was considering going out with him again, but after reading the email, I don't wanna give in to him anymore... cus he'll always think that i'm gonna be there... and well maybe I won't.. okay three more minutes! so plans for the weekend. i work over 45 hours in the next two weeks. the most in a long time! my very last day of work is the 30th, so we're going out for ice cream sometime with my co workers aww =( i'm so sad. i worked with them for two and a half years i think!!! boo hoo. my co workers are my friendssss. well i'll get into this later... i'm gonna freshen up for dinnnnnner. i think i'll wear something sexy aka uncomfortable since for the past week i've been wearing exercise pants so that I can bend my legs in all fantastic positions so that i would be comfortable studying! what a long sentence, i'm out of breath. lol. yay me! here's to a fun night :) ps. i'm thinking of getting a tattoo this summer! i had an idea of what I wanted about two months ago... and the idea has now resurfaced :) i'll say what I want in a future update! MSG

ALMOST THREE IN A ROW! JUN12TH07 // 02:12AM lol. welllllll i couldn't be happier to be back in sc with my bitches <33333333 mostly cuz katie called me in the afternoon saying we got packages and they were the babies' dog carriers! awwww! and she kept bugging me asking me if she could open it and i said she can pick one and open it lol. so she opened the large juicy one and said she wanted it just to use as a purse! haha. well then i got back and i gotta see em and i love emmmmmmmm and so do the puppies! muffin loves playing with the balls on moose's Ugg one, but I wont let her cuz she'll chew it up! so she just stares at it when its on the dresser lol. anyways. i'm in the 24 hour room at the library. im scared to walk back to my car so i'm waiting til i see some people walk through and i'm gonna exit with them lol. i have two finals tomorrow! but it's the afternoon and evening one, so i don't have to get up early! well instead of studying, i took a break and did two surveys so enjoy suckers! i'll update after finalssssssss :) Survey number one, about me! don't worry it's not the corny first name, birthday crap! ( Read more... ) And a fun one about my cell phone! ( Read more... ) night bitches! 1 MSG

TOLD YA JUN10TH07 // 12:51AM seeeee, i said i'd update more, and here i am! well i went to my sister's house in the afternoon to hang out for awhile, and then i brought my niece to Borders at Santana Row. not a good idea. i figured i'd get in some studying time but i had to watch my niece the whole time! so i ended up staying there for only two hours and i was SO tempted to go shopping around there... but muffin was getting hungry and so was my niece so we came back home and i let her watch dvds while i studied. i left two articles i had to study back in santa cruz, but i found them on nytimes.com lol. anyways. so for the past hour i've been looking at jeans online. i'm still into skinny jeans! and i've got ALMOST ALL OF THE GOOD BRANDS but i want more. true religion, seven, citizens, diesel, hudson - you name em... they make my butt look big, and that says a lot since i'm skinny and i'm white =( lol. anywayssssssssssss. i guess i'll update about stephen. so the day he got to seattle, he called me that night. then i confronted him. the problem was that once he had heard i got into Haas, he was making much more of an effort to talk to me and come see me or make plans for us to meet up. and it frustrated me, annoyed me, upset me... because the fact that he knew come August, we'd be going to the same school, perhaps living within walking distance. and it upset me because when we were an hour and a half away from each other, he didn't feel like making an effort. so maybe he isn't the "long distant" relationship type of guy. but that tells me a lot. it tells me that he doesn't have good communication skills (when it comes to relationships), it tells me that he doesn't like to make an effort when it isn't necessary... and it tells me that the whole time we were together, he NEVER EVER tried just because i was miles and miles away!!! how unfair is that. i'll admit, we weren't the best at communicating - and that's on both ends. we talked on average twice a week, saw each other two times a month and we just weren't CRAZY wanting to be with each other every damn second. yeah we were in love, but we had other priorities, but even through that... it was me who went to see him that two times a month. he was mostly always the one calling me, but that's because it became routine when we had first started going out (which i should mention, last week would have been our two years lol). i'd call him, he'd be busy and not pick up and call me whenever he wasn't busy. so we got used to that. dude, seriously off track... wth was i talking about? oh his lack of effort. and so now that i'm going to Haas, all of a sudden he's coming to santa cruz and taking me out to see a movie? he's making plans to visit? he's calling me? what if i didn't get into Haas?! so i confronted him and of course we argued a good three hours until it was 3AM and i had class the following day! we talked about the break up, about EVERYTHING. i really finally got to say how i really felt... and he triedddddd to understand, but then he'd defend himself and that started another argument in itself. but anyways. so he called me the next day and apologized for everything... and he got REALLY open about his feelings and in return, told ME everything. i'm afraid it might be too personal to get into what he said, but he said he was still in love with me. funny because when we had broken up the first time in November he had said that he felt like we were falling out of love. so of course i mentioned that =) lol and we talked and talked again until the wee hours of the morning... and we had to continue it two nights later and we finally talked about everything imaginable about our relationship. i found out he dated while we broke up lol. he dated ONE girl and uhhh slept with a few, i won't say how many :x he wasnt two thrilled about the logistics of my dating either lol. so, i guess we really worked things out and it's unfortunate, because i'm a little hesitant. i don't know if i want to get back with him so soon after our talk. we've been broken up for six months - that gave us both much needed space... i dunno. i know my options are out there, so i know we get back together it's not because i have no potential with anyone else! but there's just that possibility. i'm only 21 for god's sake! ahhhhhhhh i seriously have got to get back to studying! that felt really good to type lol. my mind feels so uncluttered now. wow =) well i'm gonna go through the rest of my notes for my environmental econ class, and i'm gonna go to bed. i gotta get up early tomorrow so i can go to breakfast with my mom and get to studying soon after! ah finals suck! goodnight all. MSG

HI EVERYONE! JUN9TH07 // 12:04AM i'm at home, in my cozy little room in san jose =) this weekend was my mom and stepdad's 7th year anniversary so they had a bbQ today. what's funny was that it was mostly my friend's and my brother's friends in the backyard lol. i brought my muffin, moose, and tatertot and tatertot kept fighting with my family's dog. tatertot's so prissy sometimes! moose, i found out, is a fan favorite. everyone loves him! enough about them. so everyone just left except my bestie lisa's here playing with the pups and reading magazines. i got bored so went online. today was the last day of instruction yes! but now i have finals to face =( two on tuesday and one on thursday. i'm gonna stay in san jose and study here so i don't get distracted. i'm going to take my niece to the bookstore tomorrow and get her something edumacational since she's starting kindergarten this year! i also wanna go cut her hair lol, but i have to make sure my sister is okay with that. but back to finals! so after finals i have two weeks of work left then i'm leaving PERMANENTLY. i'll be going to berkeley to look at several apartments around the 23rd i think, that's when nicki and tera will be there for summer session. and stephen will be there too! lol. we'll probably hang out. our relationship is undisclosed at this moment since we are both trying to figure things out... but needless to say, i miss him <3 he's in seattle with his family for a few weeks. i finally decided on a car! i want the mercedes benz SL65 :x i might have to get the 600 thought if my dad thinks it's too expensive. we planned to go to dinner tomorrow but he got tied up... so we're gonna try for next weekend. nobody understands how busy my dad is =[ i splurged on new dog carriers but they havent been delivered yet. i can finally retire the old ones! the ones moose and tatertot have right now are unstiching (probably cus i got them from a pet store... they are not fit to make purses!) anywho, i got two Juicy ones from ecrater.com. they were only 150 (that's including s&h)! i got a small one for muffin that says Juicy across... and a large one for tatertot that says Doggie Couture. and i also got an UGGs one for moose. i soooooo wanted the coach one from ebay (they stopped making it!) but i don't like bidding for stuff =( if stephen was here i'd let him bid since he knows that kinda stuff but yeah, i'm trying to get natalie to get her cousin to find it for me! it's so freakin cute. i'll put up links of the purses i got and the coach one! Muffin's Dog Carrier Tatertot's Dog Carrier Moose's Dog Carrier Coach Dog Carrier the coach one isn't that nice but it's just the fact that it's COACH! lol i hella love the UGG one though! moose is so lucky i'm not getting that for muffin! it's way too big for muffy. i guess i won't be getting my new chanel bag or LG Prada phone =( oh well i must make sacrifices for my babies. okay well lisa and i are going to watch the pursuit of happyness. update more later! MSG

HI BLURTY =) MAY20TH07 // 04:54PM I'm sooooooooooo tired. so all i'm gonna say is, i got into Haas yay and i love my puppies andddd i'm hungry so i'm gonna go to CPK with some kids. bye :) MSG

YAY APR5TH07 // 06:55PM it's spring quarter! i'm so excited for my new classes lolol. i'm taking 16 units: Math 110, Environmental Economics 148AC, IB131 (an animal behavior class!), Statistics for Accounting 150, and IAS 10. Relatively hard, buuuut these *MAY* be my last classes at UCSC pending I get into Haas at UC Berkeley =) But back to my classes. I loveee my animal behavior class. I wish I would've minor'd in integrative biology with a focus on ethology if I had known wth I was doing with my life during my freshman and sophomore year! ANYWAYS. so I got 2 A's, B+, B and a Pass last quarter... not bad I guess... but bleh the B+ pisses me off! Oh well, I'm just patiently waiting until around May 1st, when I will wait til 2pm every day to check our mail and see if I get an acceptance letter from Haas! If I do get into Haas... I'm going to be going to school with Stephen since he's double majoring and has to finish his major req's for his Public Policy major... so he's going to be there for a 5th year. He already has an internship sooo I guess that means he won't be doing baseball anymore. that's what he said. we're gonna see a baseball game together since baseball season is back and i wanna go on a day with nice weather! hmmm my puppies are all grown now. Muffin is actually a year and 7 months... she's old! during spring break I left her with my sister while my friends and I went to San Diego for the week and when I got back, she completely forgot the rules of pottying! I left Moose (who is now only 4 months) and Tatertot (5 months) with Natalie since she has dogs of her own and could easily and knowledgably take care of them. I've been spoiling the suckers to death <3 and Katie's been hella complaining about them and their food and how sometimes when I'm not there, she has to feed them or take them out to potty. which isn't true, i leave food out there for them and let them stay outside when I'm gone so they can just potty out there... and she was talking about how she wants a dog... and I yelled at her lol. she HATES dogs, everytime one of the dogs runs to her she runs to the couch or says ew get away! and ugh last time, i came home from school and she had taken tatertot out the whole day, and that night she came back and I was like did you feed her or give her water at all? and she said yeah but I know she was lying cuz when I gave tatertot dinner, she ate everything PLUS some of moose's stuff! here I go blabbering... anyways so I'm kinda excited about moving out so I can just live with my babies and grow old and crazy... actually that's kinda scary =( so what else. i guess that's it. other than i've been car shopping. i want either an audi, another bmw or a mercedes... i've been looking at the Audi S8 and the BMW 7 series but those are both 4 doors and I dunno if I want a 4 door... i need to talk to my car buddy Bryan about this! anywayssss I'm just tired of my M3 right now because I've rode it up and down SC, SJ and Berkeley so much, it keeps acting up. well no it hasnt, but htat's what i've been telling my dad lol. okay well I'm gonna do hw, I have a lot to do! BYE MSG

MAR15TH07 // 08:19PM I'M SO GLAD TODAY'S THURSDAY! no partying tonight though. I have a test for my business class tomorrow, so I'm just going to hang out with tommy in a couple hours. his frat is having a benefit show at the lair right now, but I couldn't make it because I just came back from dinner with malissa and a few friends. things with tommy are really shady. we only call each other when we have absolutely nothing to do lol. but he's such a cool guy to hang out with. and then there's derek... lol but uh not gonna get into that. Disappointing news. I thought I'd find out if I'm getting accepted into Haas this month, but I read the site wrong. their students will know march, transfers will know in MAY. blah! so very blah! I got muffin, tatertot and moose the new coach collars. muffin already had two of the old ones. I also got two coach wristlets because I couldn't choose which one I wanted. they're great for parties! oh and then I got a new camera because last weekend I brought mine to the beach when we had a bonfire and sand got stuck in the lens. andddd I got a DVF sidekick on craigslist and I'm going to sf to have it unlocked so I can use it with my verizon simcard. I'm only doing that because its easier to text that way. I won't be able to use aim or internet though, so we'll see how that goes. if anything, I can just sell the sidekick back to someone. aren't we all glad the weathers finally been WARM?! I get to break in the spring collection now yay! okay i'm going to make some calls. i'll probably end up partying tonight =( MSG

HEHE! FEB24TH07 // 05:37PM MUSIC   t-pain - buy you a drink i know i haven't been online or updating in awhile! it's just that i'm so busy and i'm no longer taking any courses that involve writing so i'm hardly on my laptop long enough to do anything productive! but before i get into anything boring and into any ramblings i'd like to introduce the world to my new puppies tatertot and moose <3 tatertot is such a bossy princess lol! she's a full-bred pomeranian and she's so poofy! she's very affectionate and can be bad sometimes (she doesnt like to listen!) but she's only 3 months old <3 i've had her since the beginning of this month? and i just got moose last weekend. he's a boy! my very first boy dog. i said i wouldn't be having any boy dogs because they're always too horny and i hate looking at their weiners when they're horny. but lisa taught me how to keep them on check! anywho. he's half-maltese half-shitzu and he's brown and black at some parts but his ears are brown and they half way perk and the corners flap outward so it looks like moose antlers lol. and tatertot got her name because before i got her, my friend emailed me a picture of her puppies and i called them tatertots cuz they were so small and golden brown... and yeah... you get the picture. so now i have three babies, and one nephew (freckles) lol. i love them <3 so yesterday i went to a retreat with a friend Jeremy. I was his date. and it was so boring omg. lol so we were supposed to stay there til 3am but I couldn't do it! i just couldn't! so Jeremy and I snuck out at 1245am and went to a frat party at Kappa Alpha. it was so much fun because there's hardly been any real parties (as opposed to people hanging out drinking) since rush week has been over for over a month now. but yeah, KA's having parties every friday until next rush week is over. yay! so stephen and i are still broken up. we talk about once a week and i'm pretty sure if i wanted something to happen between the two of us, we could work things out. the thing is that i'm so happy being single. it's not that i was unhappy being with him, hell i was the happiest girl in the world -- it's just that if i'm happy right now, that's where i wanna be. i'm actually very very casually seeing someone. his name is tommy and he comes to UCSC so it's not as problematic as it could be like say when i was dating stephen! lol anyways. so one of my friends was pledging for ATO, and so i went to a few of their parties and i met tommy there. he's the social chair/marshall of the frat so sometimes he can be a little mean when he's kicking out kids from the ATO mansion (which is SO nice!). anyways. so we're very casually seeing each other, meaning we talk or see each other once a week. i guess these frat boys never settle down. i hear about him and other girls, but it doesn't get to me because i have other guys too :) school's been good. on the weekdays if i'm not working, i'm at the library or somewhere studying. being at home is such a big distraction. but it pays off. in march i'll find out if i'm going to be going to haas next semester or not. i'm so nervous. i hope i get in! it'd be my biggest accomplishment ever. dad would be so happy too. i'll probably get a new car lol! well i'm gonna get ready, even though it's super windy, i'm going to a banquet for a friend's frat. byeeee. wishyyyyy =( where are you! update your journal... all you said is that you're moving to florida! lol :) 2 MSG

BLAHHHHHHHHHH JAN3RD07 // 03:39AM MUSIC   icebox :] i have school tomorrow and i can't sleep... i slept from 5:30am-10:30am, picked up katie and malissa from the airport, went and got lunch with them then i went to mope in bed and fell asleep from 2pm to midnight! can you believe it? ahhh i was only supposed to take a small nap and since no one was home, i straight slept for 10 hours! blah now i'm gonna have to pull an all nighter... i have class at 9am tomorrow, i'll shower and get ready at 6am, so i only have to kill 3 more hours yay! so new years eve was fun :] nicki, tera and i met up with jamie and marissa in san jose then we went shopping til 6 (when the mall closed). we came back to my house, had dinner with my wonderful family<3, and started getting ready. left the house at 1030 and had to drop off a beer bong at jake's then we went to mike's party! i took 4 and a half shots and at midnight i kissed nicki, tera, julianne, kassi, johnny and BJ! lol. at around 12:30 we went to this party Josh and Tony were at. and i socialized for about an hour then i danced til 3:30.. made out with josh for a drunken moment somewhere in between... lol and yeah. marissa dropped us off then we slept til noon... showered and got ready... and went to Denton's for a bbQ then we left for SC at 1030 bc we have school tomorrow! that's not cool :[ at least i dont work tomorrow... i havent had a chance to drop off stephen's present bc of the funeral and new year's and all. plus he's in seattle and cameron's in northridge or wherever he lives i forgot, so no one's at their apartment. so i text stephen on friday at like 5am because i couldnt sleep (we were in santa rosa at my dead grandpas house!) and he called me and said he has jet lag so we talked for about 15 mins bc i only wanted to know when would be a good time to drop off his present and yeah. he's not coming back til next saturday... just to avoid him i might drop off the present whenever cameron's back, so i'm gonna give him a call soon. oh and so i asked stephen what his plans are for new years and what not then i hung up on him. i can tell he wanted to talk more... but i hate him. anyways so he called me new years eve while i was shopping and when i went to pick up, it was too late. so i called him back while i was driving home... he just wanted to know about haas, i think bc his family wanted to know about it? lol pretty random i guess. then we talked a little and we hung up... when i talked to him last week he said he got me something then after we broke up he returned it because it didnt make sense anymore.. so i'm guessing it was a ring or something. and so he got me something else. okayyyyy well i'm soooooo tired of writing and all... i was gonna talk about how i HATE lisa's bf but maybe next time. i'm lazy bye. MSG

THIS COULD BE YOURS :] DEC28TH06 // 04:27AM MUSIC   pussy cat dolls - buttons dude i've been crazy partying in san jose, santa cruz, and cupertino :x no wonder my cars been acting up... there's hella mileage on it from driving back and forth to berkeley and to san jose. my dad needs to get me a new carrrrrrrrrrr. speaking of dad. he got me a white 13" macbook for christmas! :] i have a 15" vaio right now but i said to my dad one time that i think it's too big to take to class, so he got me a new lappy. i was so excited! i loves it. i got a lot of clothes from friends and family, plus i did a little (okay a lot) of shopping after christmas (in san jose) because of the sales and i did a lot of shopping in vegas... yes more than gambling. but it was fun and just great especially after stephen and i broke up. i miss him a lot... maybe that's why i cant sleep. but partying helps :] i just like to dance, drinking is icky. i take a shot when i get there just so the host (which is usually a guy) can leave me alone. but yeahhh its great to be on winter break! i need to call stephen so i can give him his xmas present which is the ps3 with 2 extra controllers, a console, memory card, and madden 07, fight night, and grand turismo. i haven't talked to him at all since we broke up so i dunno how things will go. i hope just because i'm giving him all this he doesn't think i want him back. because i don't, not unless he's changed. i kinda like being single :] but there are times when i wish he was with me. but whateverrrr. i'm supposed to have work tomorrow, but i'm still in san jose bc i'm going to my grandpa's funeral (stepgrandpa) on friday. its in santa rosa which is about 2 hours away from here. we're goin on thursday for the wake, and on friday's gonna be the funeral. he passed away 2 weeks ago, i only met him twice but its around christmas time and it's just unfortunate. rip alfred :] okayyyy muffin and i should get to sleeping. goodnight all. MSG

ILOVEMUFFIN! DEC20TH06 // 03:45AM MOOD   calm lolol i just got back from eating at jack in the box. yummmm =) anyways. so i failed to mention that after work on thursday i'm going back home and we're going to las vegas until christmas. my buddies lisa and marissa are going. i'm gonna start packing tomorrow! i should also mention that stephen and i aren't together anymore. he called me on saturday night and sunday afternoon and left me a vmail saying i'm being unreasonable and that i'm mad for the stupidest thing ever. well whatever. i called him back and told him EVERYTHING. about how i always go see him and how i take days off of work to spend time with him and how i have finals too, but i study at HIS house and have to drive back to go to school. he NEVER does the same for me. and i told him if he's not willing to let go of his so called hectic baseball schedule (some of which is OPTIONAL)... then i just can't be with him. and yeah he made the wrong decision. i made the right one. i'm done. i'm not happy, but i'm just done. idk whatever. it kinda sucked that i did it over the phone but whatever, i said what i had to say and got some closure. it's almost a new year anyways. perfect timing. well i'm gonna watch nip tuck and fall asleep. i have work in the afternoon tomorrow. boo. =( goodnight all MSG

DJFLAKDJFLKS DEC16TH06 // 08:04AM MOOD   annoyed god stephen's a fucking idiot. so my work's christmas banquet is today... and I asked stephen to be my date two weeks ago... and he canceled on me YESTERDAY. and over what? because he has to help throw a party for his baseball team before winter break. godddddddd i was so pissed yesterday. and I still am. and when he told me he acted like it was nothing, and what's stupid is that he tried to do it out of spite so he wouldn't feel bad. okay so I had planned to go to his house on thursday and stay there til Saturday for the banquet but my co worker is going to vegas with her family so she asked if I could take her shift for saturday (today) and i said okay so I called stephen to tell him i'm not going anymore and that i'm going to san jose for marissa's birthday so he got a little mad... and like an hour later he called being an asshole and told me he couldnt go and we argued for like 2 minutes and i was like i'm so tired of this, stephen.. whatever bye. and he said bye and i hung up. then he called me that night and i didn't pick up. anyways. marissa's birthday was fun though. i surprised her, should've seen the look on her face! anyways. well i have work in half an hour so i'm gonna get a light breakfast and work til noon or 4 if they keep me back, then i have the banquet at 8... i'll prob ask chris or matt to go with me :( ok bye. ohhhhhhh and niners game on thursday was siiiiiiiiiiick. i worked til 6:30 though so i missed half of it but it was all good. one of the best games by alex smith! okok bye. MSG

IT'S ONLY SUNDAY DEC10TH06 // 03:00PM MUSIC   49ers game! thank god for that. well this weekend has been a study fest for stephen and me. kinda. okay so stephen got a little mad at me, actually we got into a fight, but i'll talk about that later. after work on friday, i drove to stephen's and got there around night time. right when i got there we went to eat and spent time canoodling at the dinner table for a very long time. after that we came back to the apartment and i studied for my macro-econ class while stephen worked on an essay. let me talk about my finals. for peis all I had to was turn in the paper then we identified ID's and wrote a short essay. i think i did well. for my relative strategies (a business class) class we had an hour of multiple choice and short answers. my last midterm is monday for macro-econ. booo, but i'm studying super hard so it'll pay off. anyways so i studied til 2am and went to bed. stephen didn't sleep until 5am. poor baby. on saturday we studied all afternoon and then Lisa called me to see if I was coming to san jose so that we could hang out. i told her no. then at 9pm johnny called me to go drink with them and I asked stephen if he wanted to go and he said no and i told johnny i'll think about it and call him back. and stephen hella frowned at me and after i hung up with johnny, stephen and I went at it and all hell broke loose. lol ok maybe not. but he opened his door and kicked me out and i went to go get muffin, my clothes and make up and stuff. then stephen was like so you're not even gonna come back? and i was like dude you're kicking me out, i'm not gonna come back fucking idiot. and he was like just get out. lol. so muffin and i left and it was rainy and i drove to johnny's, picked up lisa, and i took 6 shots right when i got there. 2 shots and 2 beers in the next 2 hours. i was mad =( so after 12ish i stopped drinking and knocked out in mikey's room. i woke up at 4am and had my phone off bc it was running out of battery so i checked my voicemail and stephen left me a vmail telling me to drive back to berkeley since it's a safer drive. and he apologized. so I thought about it. and went back to his apartment at 6am. he was on the couch lightly sleeping with his book on his tummy. and we apologized and knocked out together. we both woke up at 1 to watch football. i'm watching the niners and studying. he's watching seattle and SLEEPING lol. anyways. after this we're gonna go shower and eat because I'm hungryyyyyyyyyy. yay touchdown! teheheh. stephen's in a bad mood cus the seahawks are losing. i started clapping at the niners td (i'm watching the niners game in the room's tv, he's watching seahawks in livingroom) and he threw his book towards his room's door lol. i was gonna stay in san jose and watch the niner's game at johnny's but i didn't want stephen to be mad at me. i know my limits now. he's gonna be my date to my work's christmas banquet next saturday =) i actually wanted to write about last weekend and how stephen and i got back together.. and katie's birthday.. but it's just way too much. i'll probably post it tomorrow because i wrote lisa an email while i was in class and i'll just copy and paste it... for now i gotta get back to studying. MSG

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