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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.11.17  11.35 ihop: pancakes, coffee, and enlightenment sip a cup of coffee. its not easy to erase your blood. all these things i hear at night, during the day, explode in my mind, the moment that i close my eye lids. im giving up my amazing world for this one. im doing an experiment. lets see which one is worth living in. ive committed myself to insanity but it was premature, for i have yet to master this world. its an illusion in itself. all numbers and shapes filled with colors, all fake. im not smarter than you, but i have you figured out. at least im pretty sure i do. i only have one letter left. i dont know how it managed to stay in tact, but it did and left one last impression, changed all that i thought i knew about this. im in love with a spirit, a frame of mind, the wind, a ghost, something intangible, a shape shifting essence. i intend on finding it again in whatever form it takes, im convinced im in love with it. its not you anymore, youre different, but this other thing who i had, keeps jumping from body to body and im convinced thats the one for me. you have to think of it differently. im chasing the sadness. its beautiful. im not crazy. in fact its a tad Buddhist if you think of it. enlightenment, the whole nine. i will be forever looking for it, forever wanting but im in charge of this vessel of a body i have and i need to make it last a long time because this is a lifetime commitment search. i will travel the world looking for it but i will only have it for 3 years, a curse perhaps but next time i wont get so down because its only a year or so that will go by before i leave wherever i am and find it next. my life scavenger hunt. im excited. it just clicked. im thinking again and it all came naturally when i focused. im impressed with myself. good job me. how i miss your ranting, do you miss my all time lows? Mood: hopeful Music: rock me now - metric

	2009.11.17  02.18 calculation theme I wish we were lovers, but its for the best Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, Where is the love? Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, Who here is in line for a raise? Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, Where is the love? Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, Who put these bodies between us? i had a dream with you in it. its been a while since that's happened. a once common occurrence, now changed with time, as all things tend to do. you were dressed in all black as per usual, but for some unknown reason you were crying, completely devastated. i tried to comfort you, but you were seemingly inconsolable. despite my recent struggle with maintaining memories, i remembered exactly how you looked. you looked gorgeous even though you were obviously distraught. you had a way of doing that, looking great, maintaining an infallible demeanor at all times. i wonder what significance that has? Mood: sleepy Music: calculation theme - metric (still)

	2009.11.17  01.29 im sick, youre tired. lets dance its wrong to want more than a folk song. i have group on tuesday and im going to tell them what an ass i made of myself on friday night. i didnt have fun. i put myself in a reckless situation to help a friend. i went to a party with every intention on meeting new people and even though there were hardly any people to meet, i let the alcohol take me really fast and i shouldnt have, there was no reason. we talk about alcohol addiction and the disease aspect of it, and i know that alcohol does not have that grasp around me that other substances seemed to but never the less i see where i need to correct myself. i can see now how much of a slippery slope addiction is. always on the edge. im taking out alcohol again until i feel im really ready for it. who knows if that day will even ever come. im not too worried about it. it doesnt pose a threat nearly as much as other things. still though, i want to be at the top of my game everyday and i do not like the emotional mess that i become while intoxicated. its more stress than i need. its not the impression i like to give people of me. im smart and witty and personality wise i think i have a lot to offer. all of those things are unrecognizable if i am otherwise impaired. i finally realize that now. it sucks to think that i cant freely use substances like i used to, in a party or similar gathering, while having fun. im that straight edged loser that cant relax and have a good time. ultimately without substances in my life i am forced to look at other things that make me happy, that i need to replace sex drugs and drink with, and im left with nothing. for much of my adult life, if not all of it, i defined myself as wreckless, without any regard for my health or safety, with no real goal or future at all. thats a very ugly thing to think about now. man did i have fun though. i loved with no remorse and enjoyed life. i watched movies, drank, ran around in my underwear, rode my bike, smoked cigarettes, drove all over this state, and laughed. mostly i miss laughing with my favorite people. it all seems so short lived now, but im determined to get back there, and i hope that all my favorite people will see me through to that place. i would love nothing more. i hope to meet a lot of new people on my way there as well. i no longer long for those times though. i have accepted that they are memories from my past. when i do not get what i want i tend to destroy myself in several ways and i regret that my memories are usually the first to go as an immediate defense mechanism. "trying to fix it, when instead we should break it, we've got to break it before it breaks us....stop trying to fix it." i never really saw any of the negative things that happened to me as any responsibility of mine until recently. this year has broken me down to nothing and yet it has forced me to reassess my beliefs. im undergoing an extensive change and its extremely frightening. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore but im basing a lot of this off of feelings and thats something ive never done before. i think i have my shoes on correctly. it still seems like a dream. i feel so different. im not sure if i like it but this time im going to make sure im doing whats right and experience the rest of my life instead of watch it pass by. this sounds so bull shit im sure, but if i dont write it down and re-read it later, i forget and i get down on myself on those tough days. thats why i keep writing. to keep track of facts in the event i try and destroy them, and to keep track of my progress, with something that i can actually see. it helps. it really does. im not having the best time during this intense reconstructive phase but im liking the results so far. i wish it didnt make school so hard. i have a lot on my mind right now. everything else seems unimportant in comparison to the reinvention of me but it keeps me focused...sometimes. i think im over the crippling depression. im off the meds. i still go to group. not to the doctor tho. i cant be on any depression meds when i walk into the navy. 12/21 hopefully i will enlist. they moved my court date a month. thats all im waiting on. im ready. these are the hard days tho. i still lose faith. this time its up to me to fix it. Mood: sick Music: calculation theme - metric

	2009.11.10  00.34 lonely bedtime prayer "My baby's got, the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight Doctor Blind, just prescribe the blue ones If the dizzying highs don't subside overnight Doctor Blind, just prescribe the red ones..." please keep me safe. protect me in all of my endeavors. i know i dont always make the best choices, i dont have willpower but i do the best i can. "Hard to hold, cold to touch Fall to pieces, treat the rush In hindsight, primetime talk All your pain will end here Let the doctor soothe your brain, dear..." i try hard to forget the past and live one day at a time. sometimes its hard, most times its hard. i have family that loves me and one or two friends that see me through it, but i long for something more. to love is truly hard for me. to love someone other than the one i have loved for so long took many drugs, im not willing to do that anymore. i love only them. i always will. they are beautiful inside and out and no other compares. so i will live one day at a time. please god help me. please. i need you more than ever right now. i put my life in your hands. i trust only in you, to help me through this. i know i am a troubled youth, i know you have great plans for me, i trust you will guide me through this troubled time in my life. when i have problems i come to you. you alone are my salvation. you alone will help me. you alone. i trust you will help me through my future plans, i trust only you, completely. i believe in you and for the first time in my life, i believe in me. i can do this, and with your help, i believe i have a future. for once i believe i have a future. wherever you are please hear my plea and help me better myself. i owe it to you, i owe it to my family, i owe it to myself and to everyone who has ever loved me, even if it was only for a short while. i love me. i love you. i love everyone who has ever helped me. i know what i can be, and when i get there, with your help, i know i can be that person i could never be before. i know i can be that person that they loved so much... thanks be to god, in your name i pray. goodnight. Music: emily haines - doctor blind.

	2009.10.31  06.30 love is a myth i will love myself.

	2009.10.31  03.03 never ever. i have never... been to therapy been on medication done drugs been convicted of a crime had asthma had a drug or alcohol problem the recruiter says I shouldnt have done any of those things, so Im telling him i havent. i have... always paid my taxes always loved this country i will not have... any piercings any tattoos that show in uniform i am... single young i will... be physically fit be able to run a mile in 15min look good in a uniform be investigated by the FBI completely before i enlist. forget my past hopefully all the bad, even though i don't see myself forgetting you, ive tried. attempt to move on with my life in a positive way start brand new travel and experience the world save money have money to get my masters live on naval bases around the world get my shit together be successful make my grandma proud of me make life long friends make the best of this opportunity become an adult make the best of these next 4 years enlisted. hopefully more if i love it which i see myself doing. stay sober not just because i have to but because i hope to substitute everything that ruined me with real actually living. be happy. get all my friends addresses and write them all the time. send my friends gifts for their birthdays and holidays. fly my friends out to see me as much as i can so they may experience the world with me whenever possible. Be all that i can be. Never forget tattooing, but ill have my doctrine practically paid for. I will be successful, I will. never forget my family and friends. run away from my problems in a responsible way. appreciate life more everyday. listen to music still. work my ass off. dedicate my life to protecting this country. have the chance to get over my baggage. be able to life in new york! i may not ever love again but i refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer, this is about me, im so young and ive wasted enough time slacking of. i need structure again. as hard as it is to say i thank you for leaving me. its forcing me to grow up. i could have never left without you leaving first. im a single adult with no one that loves me so i have the freedom to leave alone without any hesitation of guilt for leaving someone i cant stand to be away from. love has abandoned me. i will not let it ruin me like it has before. im grateful. im blessed to have my health and my smarts. im ready. im tired of wasting time. i dont know how long i would have here, every day kills me. i need to get far far away. i love my country and ive always wanted to prove it. this is my big break. im excited. i want to leave asap. I am joining the Navy. No one thinks its a good idea but I couldn't be more excited. I hope to ship out ASAP, but with the dui thing pending it might take 10months. I hope the recuiter's letter to the judge will hopefully help me wipe the dui and get to ship out real soon. i wanted to get to Japan. i will. i wanted to get to Greece. I will. i wanted to go to Spain. I will. I want to go to Europe. I will. U need to see it all. I would have loved for you to visit me in all those places, on me. now it doesn't seem plausible. how weird. I'm going to stay clean and out of trouble, not only because i will be owned by the government but because I'm over this stupid game. I have been for so long but the temptation will always be in this town. I hate it, I don't need it anymore. you're happy. I'm going to make myself happy the only way i know how, run away and pretend nothing happened, but at the same time, enjoying to world like i could never have done with the guilt of leaving a love, leaving a friend. Out of sight out of mind. Forget me completely if you haven't already. I'm leaving this feeling, I'm leaving you, I'm leaving. I couldn't be more happy. I cant wait to start living again. "I can feel it in my bones Gimme sympathy After all of this is gone Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Oh, seriously You're gonna make mistakes, you're young Come on, baby, play me something Like, "Here Comes the Sun" Come on, baby, play me something Like, "Here Comes the Sun" i still think of you everyday. i hope that will change. SO, Oi! sweet dreams love. Best wishes etc. Music: metric - gimmie sympathy

	2009.09.30  11.58 a distorted reality is a necessity to be free My mama told me "Baby stay clean There's no in-between" You disappoint me, you people raking in on the world The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart A distorted reality's now a necessity to be free It's so disappointing.... she told me i have to bury everything. i want to keep somethings. its symbolic she said. i know. im not stupid. i want to keep the mouse incident, when we came home drunk and helped get it out of the wall at like 3 am. i want to keep our concerts. i want to keep our phone conversations from when i went to the east coast. the peak of my existence. i want to keep ashleys' birthday. the bus ride back thinking of you, getting home and making you a cd. i want all of our car trips to San Francisco. Every night we came back home and slept off a good or bad day. i want to keep it all. i have to write it all down, everything i can possibly think of. everything and anything. my only happiness that ive know for the last 3 years. i have to print out this journal, to have something tangible to actually, physically burry. it makes me sick to think about. i have to dig up every amazing wonderful memory and give it to a complete stranger so we can stick it in the ground. i wonder if when we dig up a spot we will see someone elses dead hopes and dreams. their ruined plans and ruined lives all half decomposed and filthy. i guess thats the point right? decomposing past, for a future that will never be. easy does it. one day at a time. i wont let this beat me. its to beautiful outside. but im already sick thinking about it... Mood: anxious Music: elliott smith- a distorted reality is a necissity to be free

	2009.09.21  09.26 here we go chelsea hotel. every song seems sweeter. every chord more sad. this is me. on anti depressants, and without. i tried to fix me for you. i tried to fix me for me. ultimately i just broke through the clouds in my brain and realized "i need you, i dont need you." you never liked leonard cohen, i feel like him. ugly but beautiful. i wont cut myself, i wont take drugs, i wont cry, i wont threaten to leave here forever. im going to kiss my parents good night, and my brother and sisters too. im going to get up at 7am for my 8am class, then the next day im going to get up at 8am for my 9am class. im going to study, im going to have a drink with my best friend occasionally. im going to get a job that is transferable to the big city. im going to keep saving every penny and not go out. im going to get good grades. im going to graduate this semester. i can do all of this without you. i can do this. i dont have to replace you, im ok with feeling the hole. i know where you went in my body when i kissed you. you placed yourself behind my left rib, protected by the bone and trapped right beneath my heart. who could replace you? im ok knowing im not enough. how could i be under those circumstances. i know im different now. but you dont. the last time i saw you it was different but i enjoyed your company completely. i always did, i think i always will. its like youre dead, its scary and sad. i wish i could be bigger and see you. even talking to you would help me. you always knew what to say. you always gave the best advice. we parted without a handshake, without a hug, knowing we may potentially never speak again. it hurt but i am most certainly lying in my own bed now. the therapist says to write it all down so i can bury it and leave it behind forever. therapist...jesus... im trying harder than ever to be reintroduced in to society as a fully functioning adult. i feel amazing but only half as good as i know i could have felt had this been different... "Ah but you got away, didn't you babe, you just turned your back on the crowd, you got away, I never once heard you say, I need you, I don't need you, I need you, I don't need you and all of that jiving around. I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel you were famous, your heart was a legend. You told me again you preferred handsome men but for me you would make an exception. And clenching your fist for the ones like us who are oppressed by the figures of beauty, you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music." Ah but you got away, didn't you babe, you just turned your back on the crowd, you got away, I never once heard you say, I need you, I don't need you, I need you, I don't need you and all of that jiving around. I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can't keep track of each fallen robin. I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, that's all, I don't even think of you that often." Mood: contemplative Music: leonard cohen - chelsea hotel #2

	2009.09.03  21.21 4th step inventory of myself. its going to get ugly... At an AA meeting two days ago a man explained how physically ill the 4th step made him, and how it took him months to complete the step, being sick all the while. I dont want to be sick. I dont want to write down everything I feel Ive lost in the last couple of months. I dont want to say your name. I dont want to see your face. These boys love me. I want to love them, but why is everything so rushed? Everyone of them is pressuring me and thats not how I handle these situations. I feel like all this pressure is going to make me hate everyone of them and Ill never want to see them again. I like them all. I dont love anything or anyone anymore. At least thats what I wish I could believe. I love attention, I love hugs, I love kisses, but I dont know how to recreate that feeling. I dont know if I even want to. All I know is that Im probably not in a good enough place yet to promise anyone anything of mine. Not my attention, not my time, not my soul, and defs not my heart. I wish I could. Im glad Im not. Quite perplexed... meanwhile I avoid looking at anything that reminds me of my past life. My past lives. It seems like a million years ago. I wish you could see me now. Im going to have to write it all down again. Im already sick just thinking about it. They say it will help the wounds, help the healing. I cant even comprehend what that must feel like... being healed. Its a far away goal. Everyday is a challenge. One Day at a time. I feel a bad decision in the works. I cant think like that anymore. I think more meetings will help. They usually do wonders. Im amazed at how effective they are. School is going great. So far so good. I have 8 and 9 am classes and I actually make them. ha ha. The ball is most definately rolling. ha ha. o boy. Mood: confused Music: animal collective - daily routine

	2009.08.15  00.23 i havent a clue i dont know how much longer i can keep this up. 1week feels like a year. and these last few months have felt like a decade. im all alone, and i accept responsibility, but i cant come to terms with the fact that this is my life now, again. i need your help. i need your guidance. i need you. but youre in love with a boy. im sober. i hate it because i want to forget you again. i cant. i cant. i cant. these anti depressants work so slow... im getting better but i cant take life anymore. whit said i make a very big impression on everyone that i become friends with. she told me that i really make a big impact. i dont really believe her, because you are gone. if i was that important you would have stayed, or at least come back to help me. i love you. i wish i didnt because its kinda creepy now that youve moved on. i keep trying to talk to other people but its never enough. fresno isnt enough. how do you fall in love with someone else so fast? how do you fall out of love so fast? tell me and ill leave you alone for good, i swear. i hate feeling like this. ever wednes i have recovering addicts meetings at a church in fresno. every monday im going to have NA 12 steps. twice a week i have therapy. i think its a crock of shit but i go. i wish you could see how hard im trying... i wish you were here.

	2009.08.12  00.33 sober day 5... almost 6, yeah i count the hrs now. this is going to be hard. i realized i do love drugs but i also realized they dont mean jack shit and that its easier to forget that im a complete idiot loser that cant keep anyone around to love me, ever. i hate knowing that, i hate feeling that. its worse than these sweats i get. its worse than the throwing up and then fevers and the chills. its worse than any withdrawl symptom or drug induced panic attack. knowing that i am the reason no one loves me. knowing you have someone else that made you happy. knowing that i had you, and now i dont. i cant even call you. you dont feel sorry for me, you dont want anything to do with me and you dont really even care if i get sober or not. youre done. i care. i want to feel like a person again but remembering that youre not anywhere near me makes me want to die. i want to do this. 365 days to prove to myself, to prove to you that im not a drug addict. i love you.... why? i havent the slightest clue. i miss you like ive never missed anything. this isnt supposed to carry over so long... i was over you... then the drugs wore off and now im right back in the same spot, alone and miserable. my only problem w drugs, is that i remember everything without them, and right now i feel like i would do anything to my body, to my brain, to stop thinking of you... but im going to cry and fall asleep instead. youre nont my excuse for doing drugs, youre my inspiration for quitting. even tho you dont love me...

	2009.08.04  04.56 in conclusion, I want to die i fell asleep in my bed, on my side, with another person on the other side. it was the first time since you. i didnt have sex with them, i dont intend on ever having sex with them, i like them, i love them, but not at all romantically, just as friends. i woke up to them repeatedly trying to wake me up in the nicest way possible, first moving my shoulder, then by trying to scare me by telling me i was going to be late for work, then trying to make me laugh. making me laugh is the only way i ever want to wake up, its the best way. when i heard them talk, when i felt them touch me, in my sleepy haze, i thought it was you. it sounded like you, it felt like you, but i think i was just subconsciously hoping it was you so badly, i just overlooked those minor details at the time. it wasnt you, its never going to be you, ever again. I cried uncontrollably all day. I made myself sick. it was the first time i had thought about you in a few days. it took this long to not think about you all day everyday, but occasionally youll come up in conversation, or something will remind me of you but i try not to dwell. i have repressed you, banished all thoughts away, as if they never happened. it fucked with my perception of reality because i dont know what really happened anymore, or if you even exist at all... also im losing my mind. secondly i smoked a lot of black tar heroin today, ACCIDENTIALLY! my boss smokes lots of pot, and has an office bong, which i hate knowing exists because its really trashy to work in a stereotypical tattoo shop, drugs, guns, gangs, bikers, etc, anyways so i have been smoking a hit or two to get motivated every now and then. once a month maybe. today was that day but i couldnt find his pot but i found what i thought to be hash or resin by his bong. i smoked it the way i saw him smoke it once after cleaning his pipe out once, i almost couldnt tell my body to continue to breathe, couldnt move, i was scared shitless. i told one of my friends about it and i described what i felt and how it tasted like a bouquet of flowers, still thinking it was just really strong hash, he said it was definately heroin. that was over 14 hrs ago, i have been scared the whole time, completely lost out of my mind and in complete despair.. the fact that there is pot in the office i can overlook, the fact that black tar heroin and i heard someone talking about him in the shop saying his wife is saying hes back on meth and bad, i cannot. thats too fucking much. i cant be around an atmosphere like that, its how bad problems get worse and i see it getting worse, they are all enablers, im not even going to stick around to find out. im giving my notice. i dont trust myself. i dont. i know im not strong enough, not yet. im trying to be proactive, but still, today im still out of my mind crazy, exchausted, and the hallucinating still. plus the television keeps telling me to kll myself. thats never happened before...im completely insane... i think in going to explode. i desperately want to turn the off this feeling, and ive learned to never smoke anything ever again... please stop this feeling... please i cant handle this stress..... Music: tailor smith - you belong with me (kill yourself remix on tv

	2009.07.21  22.19 no one does it like you... i guess i was wrong. everyday gets better. everyday i get further and further from the old me and closer to a good me.

	2009.07.14  23.43 i cant i cant i cant stand losing i love the police now that is so weird. until recently i was always creeped out by them. eh. ok so something big is afoot. Im not quite sure what it is but all of a sudden im back. im up im ready and i forgot how much i love to play this game, im so good at it. my biggest hurdle as always, is wanting what i cant have. there are 5 million people places and things i want right now and i have to figure out which ones im going to really try for. temptation is my best friend. its just working in a completly different way for me this time. fuck drugs this is way more fun. im by myself, but i think im me again. took a little longer than i had hoped, but I think im back. I feel 19 again... but that could be a good thing or a bad thing... i guess ill have to see. OCTOBER: I want to leave for good, NY. im setting the goal. no more buying alcohol, im already not buying drugs, no more fast food, and cigarettes... theyre going to have to go too...i need to save all the money i possibly can. Its all for the cause, reinvention in a far away land. Im gong to practically give away tattoos that i want to do, just to get my portfolio up and im knocking out paintings left and right. i want to be impossible to pass up when i apply to a shop in NY, a valuable asset in a shop that will make me better. Its the dream, im going to live it. Italy does sound tempting though, but i think its going to take me a little longer to get there. as for everything else, im not thinking about it. anything from before. its out of my mind. nothing worth trying for, nothing worth crying for. it shouldnt have come to this but it did, im afraid if i talk about it or think about it anymore ill lose momentum. so you no longer exist to me, because i know id do anything and everything for you, and i know thats going to be how i feel about you forever, but if you dont exist, there is no problem. i remind myself thats how you feel too, so its easier. had you felt differently i think i could have had it easier, and had it all, but you dont and this is my only option. i know who you are, i always will, but i dont go back there anymore because i cant handle not having it, not having you. I wish I could keep some of it, because most of it was a blast, but thats just it, i cant ever go back there, and thats too sad for me to think about anymore. That doesnt mean I dont still want it, I will always want it back, but that was up to you, not me. I understand that much now. this is me now, clean slate, i know ive said it before and its prob not the healthiest but its what im going to have to do to get on with a smile and thats whats most important to me. more important than love. Mood: optimistic Music: i cant stand losing you - the police

	2009.07.09  23.13 day 3 3 days with no business. im starting to freak out. im totally broke and i havent seen a bad week like this in a month. i need to pay da bills. im thinking I need to get out of here now. its starting to get to me. everything. you, work, sobriety, not sobriety. i feel guilty for everything I do. not doing drugs, doing drugs, not seeing my family as much as id like, not hanging out with all of my friends, sitting at work for 13 hrs with no appointments, not calling you, thinking of you, knowing youre gone. Im stressing myself, throwing up in the bathroom like 5 times a day. stress. ulcer. Im trying and getting nowhere fast. I dont want to see a dr. im hoping it kills me. you have a boy friend now... god damn. i dont even know what that does to me. im happy for you... but not really. Im jealous. i dont think i can ever see you again. i knew it was bound to happen, and i guess whenever it happened, a month after we broke up, or ten years after we broke up, it would still seem like it was too soon, but you had made up your mind a long time ago so i guess it doesnt seem that soon to you... Its the final straw tho. I cant do this anymore. I cant sit here and hate my life because youre gone. I need to know youre not around, I need to get as far away as possible and let you live your own life so that maybe i might have a chance at one myself. everything is so illogical to me. nothing makes sense. i wish i could hear me talk or listen to my own advice but all i see is your face, your smile and us, and its crippling. still crippling. how can i find happiness? I dont think I can... im going to run away again. Its all I know how to do. I hope i make it to the east coast. Im getting rid of everything and everyone i know. Im going to be all alone and im going to make it or im going to die trying. either of those options seem better than sitting here in Fresno without you for one second longer. i feel like ripping out my insides. I hate what I am here. I hate how stagnant my life is. Im 22 and I hate it. I told myself id never make it to this age, now i know why. Im done. Im gone. Im not leaving a note. Music: sound of silence - simon and garfunkel...

	2009.07.08  19.55 everyday its the same thing. work to keep my mind off my life, get through the day and be done with it. Everyday seems like a hurdle, i dont appreciate it, i just want to get through it and get it over with. When the shop is slow, i sit around and think. thats never good. i sit and think about me, and what im doing with my life. two, three, nine drawings, and paintings makes me happy for a few mins but i feel empty again within the hour. I know this is what i want to do and i try harder and get better everyday, but i just feel so empty still. like im missing half of my body, half of my brain. It feels like im getting through the day with only half of me and i hate it. Everyday I pick up my phone 3 or 4 times and scroll down the names to yours. I start a text, or go to call you, then i stop myself. I think that if i call you, this will have been enough time for you to cool down, but im sure youre cooled down already and you have the same thought process, youre fine without me. I keep thinking its a big fresh breath to you, your new life and that im just a problem still that you have put out of your mind and you hope wont ever resurface. That kills me. I want to call you and tell you ive changed and that im ready to be better for you now that im better for me, but i dont think youd respond well to that. Ive already told you countless times that i love you and that id do whatever i needed to in order to keep you but it didnt work before, i know you dont care. it makes me sick. I want to hear your voice and hear about your day and see you and hug you and go home together like before... i love you so much still i can hardly function. I fucked up, but i also know i got better, im not perfect but i think i have a lot to offer. Why cant i stop thinking about you... We listen to the drake cd in the shop all day everyday and it reminds me of you..duh "Baby you my everything you all i ever wanted. We can do it real big. Bigger then you ever done it... I want this forever, i swear i can spend whatever on it.... When i get right i promise that we gon live it up. She make me beg for it till she give it up. And I say the same thing every single time... I say you the fucking best. You the fucking best. You the best i ever had. Best I ever had..." Mood: depressed Music: best i ever had -drake

	2009.07.08  01.28 time after time 3 months after my last break up i had forgotten everything and i had moved on, not completely but for the most part, moved on. when is that going to happen this time? I wish i didnt think about you all day every day. I kills me. When can I eat, sleep, or care about myself again? When are you going to take a bottle of cough syrup and drive over here, have great sex, and make it all better? When can I pick up the pieces of my broken self and reassemble them with you? I love you. I wish I didnt. I wish i could eternal sunshine you away because everyday without you is painful. I can be whatever you want me to be, I just cant be this anymore. I cant be broken anymore. Id rather just not be. I draw and work and think about you all day. Every song I hear reminds me of you in some way. Every place i drive by reminds me of something we did there or near there. I dread coming home to this shell of a room every night. Its not fun without you. Nothing is. I want to get over it. I want nothing more than to just move on, for me. I dont think I can. There is something holding me back I just dont know what it is. I have fucked up every opprotunity for a relationship with anyone else who has attempted recently, why? I cant see myself with anyone else. It seems ridiculous. I still feel like it would be cheating. Its so dumb. Why do I think that? I honestly just dont think its fair to them mostly. My head is somewhere else. My heart is someplace else. Im always thinking about you. Always. Or whats worse I bring you up somehow... I am my own biggest cock block. I think ive told more people about us in these last few months than the whole time we were together. I tell anyone who asks. Everyone at my shop knows about us and they have never even met you. Nothing bad, everyone just thinks its really weird that I dont have a boyfriend and that I dont fuck, so I explain that I just got out of a really serious relationship with someone who was really important to me, someone who has all the qualities I could ever want in a significant other and that everyone and everything else seems mediocre in comparison. I wont settle. I have ridiculously high standards now. Thanks... When does this get better. Im ready. I know you dont love me anymore but that doesnt change the fact that I still love you, and that you were an amazing best friend and an even better lover. (I hate that word...lover...ugh) It doesnt change the fact that the next person has to be even better,even hotter, even smarter, and even more talented, to even stand a chance...big shoes to fill. Why did we have to date? I miss you so much. I wouldnt trade any of it if i could, but I wish I could have found some way to remain friends. I dont think I can ever have you back as a friend. I love you too much. Thats what makes me the most sad. I wish I could be a big person about it but im just too much of a baby to want to share you. Its what makes me cry, what keeps me up at night, and what keeps you on my mind all the time. Basically its what makes me the mess I am now. Why did I have to lose my best friend, my other half? Im never having sex again, because Ill be too scared to lose any potential long term friends. Sex isnt all that important anyways. Ive been doing without for a long time now, it doesnt bother me. Without my heart its not really even something I can even think about. I dont even watch porn or any of that anymore. It doesn't exist to me, and you know me, thats actually a big deal. Nothing is really important anymore... im going to stare at the wall for a couple of hours and try to fall asleep, think about colors and shapes, something abstract that it will be hard to relate to you. Thats how I usually try and do it. I would love nothing more that a kiss, a hug, and a head rub... Just thinking about it, I can feel it... thats my idea of perfection... Goodnight. Sweet dreams. Music: lullaby - the cure

	2009.07.06  03.05 life i no longer have any will to live. im very tired. im too tired. i dont want to feel like this anymore, not one more second. its all confusion and sadness. everytime i think im doing something right, it comes back and keeps me from moving forward. its ugly. i dont remember it feelin this ugly last time. nothing helps... im obviously not a good person. you know that. im going to die of a broken heart... just as i imagined it. Mood: depressed Music: thinking about you - radiohead

	2009.07.04  08.06 all nighter the last couple of nights i have hardly slept at all. im exhausted. my mind has been racing and i cant just let go of all the stress at the end of the day like i used to. thursday night i got wasted for the first time in a long while. i had transport so i didnt have to worry and i had fun. i saw you. i did make me sad to know that we used to attend these very same establishments in better times and now we dont speak and you are attending them with other people, mainly the boy. im not too worried about it, i just hate having to see it over and over again. this is what im talking about, having to move. i want to be able to go out and have fun without worrying about seeing you. it makes my stomach ache and my eyes water. i hurts. i didnt bother you. i left you be as though you werent really there, it doesnt seem right. it seems bizarre that i have to ignore you existing as a person, when before i couldnt wait to see you every min of everyday. these were our fun places and now they are just the few fun places to go in town and we cant acknowledge each other if we both happen to be there. its ugly. it really is. it really makes me sad. more so than your new bf. i feel so disgusted, and disgusting. its not right... i deleted you off my myspace because i dont want to have the option of looking at your page. it makes me sad to see the pictures of us still up, all your new friends on your top, thinking about which one it is youre dating, i dont want to see the day when you change your "relationship status" to in a relationship, it will kill me, but you should be able to, so i think its important to give you your privacy back and have you not have to feel guilty about it i guess. if i see an "i love you comment," i will flip, so its better that i nip it in the bud now i guess. im not that strong, im sorry. it seems really petty but every little thing really does add up, especially when im having a bad day, the little things build up and make me horribly depressed. im trying not to go back to that place anymore. its hard, but i manage now. also you cut me completely out of your life and the simple fact that you dont wish to have any contact with me at all anymore makes being "friends" on myspace seem silly. its not just you either, i am cleaning up the myspace to be more work related and less "hey i know you im going to add you." business clients and friends i actually hang out with. I hate that im actually thinking about this to this extent, it seems creepy and clingy but that actually the opposite goal that im trying to achieve. i want to be as respectful and courteous as possible and maintain maturity. i dont know anymore. it seems the more it try and be respectful and understanding the more i feel like i get hurt. hopefully this time it works out, although i think you probably wont get that out of this, but i doubt you care at all anymore. deep breaths, inhale pink exhale blue... im doing this for my mindset not yours. i have my best intrests in mind. i do wish you the best though. i always have and i always will, but i want to be able to get the best for me too now. im important too. it took awhile for me to realize it but, my feelings are just as important as yours and i need to respect myself in every situation. I deserve to be happy just like you. Happy 4th of July. I remember last years was a blast. I miss it, that was fun. Its the family get togethers and the holidays that remind me youre gone. i wake up and its the first thing i remember, but i get through my day now as a functional human being, its the everyday bullshit. Its the special days, my birthday, 4th of July, that i notice something important is missing, you. I dont even want to think about how weird christmas is going to be already... ugh. Music: Norwegian Wood - the beatles

	2009.07.01  01.13 losing i know that a few major, minor changes, in my life wont solve all of my problems immediately. i am aware of all of my flaws, i am aware that im not perfect, I am painfully aware. Where does personal development and emotional reconstruction meet self fulfillment and when am I able to ditch horrible depression? these are questions that i feel hinder me from getting better at a faster rate. im broken, beat down, i have no money, and only a handful of friends that care. whats worse is that i feel betrayed by the last three years, to think that i would have given my life for someone that has been the center of my universe for so long, someone that forgets my b-day, only contacts me when they needs something, and doesnt care in the slightest about me, just like that, makes me sick to my stomach. Not so much betrayed but more hurt to think someone of such importance to me not even three months ago, could now take all of my secrets and fears and private details of my life with them and just leave with them all. I feel naked, exposed and defenseless to know that i allowed myself to give up a piece of me to someone else makes me feel more dumb than anything. i never do that. you practically broke down all my emotional barriers and now i feel stuff and it makes me feel more dumb for having feelings at all. I dont regret it, but i regret letting go of so much now that im left with nothing. I want to see you. I want to call you. I dont think it will ever be enough though. Ive had all of you and any less would break my heart now, over and over again i know because its what happens everytime i see you. the hugs are never long enough, and i always want to kiss you, always. Its just been so long that i miss it. Thats why I leave you alone. Less stress on you for not having to worry about some bitch that cant get over it. I still cant comprehend how hard you can be, to just walk away from it all and believe that it didnt matter. Im a sucker tho. I think I read to much about true love and my idea of dedication and forever, is probably horribly distorted in a sad kind of hopeless romantic way. Youre doing well. In my defense I think im doing ok. you moved out and have not contacted me, just like I said was going to happen. The last time i saw you, i didnt see you at all, just a shell of what you used to be. youre not that person anymore. this person loves other people and talks to other friends, and hangs out with cooler kids, doesnt think about me, and probably is happier. there is nothing that suggests otherwise. i dont know though. youre doing an amazing job of cutting me out completely and getting on with your life. i knew you could do it. This town is just too small for me, and for this. I thought i saw you at the bar talking up some guy the other day and it made me want to cry, then die. Im afraid to go out because I dont want to see that. Everywhere in town is some place that we have been and for having such an awful memory, i remember every single detail of every single adventure. I want to forget you like you forgot me but its hard here. you broke my heart and so has this town, countless times. there are only bad habits here including you now, because the thought of me without you crushes me to this day and i keep thinking and hoping tomorrow will be different, but its never different. its always you without me, and i always get hurt at the end of the day. I must be mentally retarded, to expect a different outcome with no good reason other than hope. the hope that all these changes will mean something to you. im over them. drugs are no big deal, drinking is nothing, hooking up with strangers, i dont think any of that is cool. i havent for awhile now. i keep reminding myself im doing lots of stuff for me and I do it and i go to bed alone and i wake up and do it again. i know im a better person but it doesnt matter. not to me. im always going to be the same person. i love love, and working towards something with someone, like im in on a plan thats bigger than just me. I love depending on someone and i love showing them they can depend on me. i dont want that with anyone else. and i know im going to be lonely. i hate it but i know it. i just dont want to be lonely so close to you. i know that you have pushed me far far away, and that right now you are the furthest thing from me, but i dont like knowing where you work or around where you live. you always feel too close at all times to stop thinking about you. i dont want to be sad because of you anymore. i hate feeling like a chump still, the only fool that cant get over it. its hard. i dont think you know to what extent this is messing with my mind, but it is. im going to move away. im going to go far, and i dont want to ever come back. im saving up money now. i want you too much, i need you too much. i need to get away from the thought of you. im not strong enough to do it here. i will only get myself into more trouble in the process. i love you. i wish it mattered to you. i wish i could change your mind about me. i wish i had just one more chance and that you wanted to work with me for this. i dont want it to go back to the way it was, i want to be better than the way it was, i just want to be successful. a better me, and a better you...its still important to me. it will always be important to me. im just not strong enough to be here without you. fresno is bringing me down. I hope fresno is better to you than it was to me, you seem content enough but i dont know. im tired of wishing. im tired of crying. its exhausting. i tried to stop hoping... i tried. i can change everything else in my life here but that. if thats not what you want, then i think i have to get away. you havent given me any reason to hope and like a fool i do anyways. I was talking to Whitney today and she said that as far back as she can remember, I have always been a depressed kid. shes known me the longest and she said my outlook on life has always been glum, but thats just how i am and shes stuck it out until i feel better and shes seen me pretty bad off, but that ultimately im always ok. I dont think i got the chance to turn it around this last time, or at least i didnt think it was an issue until too late, but i know i have turned it around before and that I can do it. i will always wish for the best for you. ill always wish i was the best for you. its never enough. if youre happy now then yeah it was me. im sorry. if not, know that in my heart you will always be the best i ever had, i will always have hope, and ill never stop loving you, for as long as im alive. i know i can be better. you know it too.im going to start planning our trip to the live over on the east coast a little early, i hope you dont mind, seeing as though im going to be the only one going, i still have this dream, its still very important to me... i miss you terribly. i will go to bed hoping for a change. good night love, sweet dreams, where ever you are. "i want you so bad its driving me mad its driving me mad..." Music: the weepies - little bird

	2009.06.25  00.51 it was my birthday but you probably already forgot. wow. idk. i would have at least text you, but thats just me, stupid ol' me. why im so surprised. I saw it coming and it still ruined my day. no more. no more ruined days. Im going to go from neutral benefit of the doubt, to real pissed real soon. It was kinda fucked up. I dont respond well to fucked up. Not at all. ok then goodbye. thanks for the memories. i cant fucking stand them anymore. its just fucking mean. and you came into my room sunday to say goodbye why? why do you do anything you do? I dont get any of it anymore. youre a stranger. a fucking stranger, you do strange things. Just tell me to go fuck myself at least that makes sense. No mixed signals. Dont bother playing nice if thats not what you want to do. wow... Mood: hurt Music: Elliott Smith – Somebody That I Used To Know

	2009.06.22  01.33 cant miss a woman like i cant miss a court date... i miss you everday still but I have no fucking clue why? youre hella distant and mean and you have some fucked up motives for your fucked up decisions. i miss you, the one that cares, the one that holds me, the one that knows how im feeling and why. I just want to hold you and make you better and get the same response. we know how to fix each other but we make it hard for some reason. we think its going to get better... hahaha were lying you know. to ourselves and to each other. ill tell you straight up what i think. you wont give me shit back. i already know. fuck it... lonely birthday coming up and you cant even look me in the eyes this year. fuck being 22 i already hate it.

	2009.06.21  13.59 more than just a little bit. Little Bit (feat. Lykke Li) - Drake I cant watch or see you. I hate my home. Its not my home, it was our home. I get by, but whats getting by really? Just wasting time. Still spinning, still not sure what happened. I know what the stakes were and I know I lost but what happened? Im finally losing hope. Took awhile huh? Bet youre relieved. Im completely out of your hair. I try to remember what you felt like, what your lips tasted like, but I cant anymore. I remember what not hearing from you feels like, what not getting a text back feels like, what being ignored and pushed away feels like, what being sober feels like, what sleeping alone feels like, what having no one to call when im walking on the freeway feels like. I learned that hard way but Im still not really sure what I learned. Im always going to be me. Im always going to be pessimistic, but im also going to be successful. I cant stand the thought of you bringing me down. youre getting in the way of me coming up. I waited it out to see if you would come through and help elevate me but I have everyone yelling at me to get over it, that youre giving me no reason to wait, and they are right. you made the decision. you are the only one who really knows why. It wasnt the drugs. Why did I think that? Its just me. Heres to coming up. you did. now its my turn. i turned back into the person that gives my friends a reason to stay. youre pushing everyone away. think about what the fuck you are doing. I had to its only fair.

	2009.06.13  00.51 I love myself Right now, I hate myself. Every last inch. Inescapable panic. I wont cry in front of you. No sir. I feel like cutting off a limb, so that I might be closer to getting away from myself somehow. I want to get rid of a piece of this awful mess. Where can I go? Everywhere I go Im alone. I know that not what I need right now. I cant afford to take any more steps backwards. How many steps have I really even taken forward? Fuck.

	2009.06.10  03.02 I have never... felt so expired. When I wake up in the middle of the night I think...YYYs Hello Tomorrow... Feels good. Feels Bad. Music: hello tomorrow - YYYs or Karen O eh?