Friday, November 6th, 2009
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8:50 pm
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Fuck you bitch, your not gunna use me like that.
Gaby - you only want or call me if you think i either have weed or alcohol or think i can pitch on a blunt which is why i tend to ignore you these days.
Mel i know things are pretty rocky right now. Actually, it's fucking non-existant between us two right now but honestly? You think you're going to send me a message like that and expect me to go and jump at it? To go and visit you? I always fucking visit you, i'm always on my fucking feet moving for YOU. Try moving your ass sometime hun and maybe i wouldn't be as bitter. I felt like i was the only one putting any effort into that relationship. We wern't friends for a longlong time, it was just the drugs that brought us together and i do not consider that a friend. It just took me a while to figure it out, realize, and accept it.
I still love you but goodbye.
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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
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9:44 pm - Long brown hair
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She had long brown hair all down her breast
Made me think about my future
Made me think about my past
Her skin was tight, her manner was free
She gave me that look that seemed to say:
"Hey you, look at me!"
Her smile was crooked and good
As she sucked her Capri and I thought:
"My god, why shouldn't it be me?"
Her body was free
Don't tell me what's proper
Anyone can see
I wasn't even her first, so don't blame it on me
You know what the bible says? I'll tell you what it says
It says:
"Don't put a stumbling block in front of someone who can't see
Don't put a beautiful body in front of someone who's hungry,"
She was so pretty
As pretty as can be
And I thought:
"My god, why shouldn't it be me?"
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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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7:44 pm
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Nononono, you can't fucking do that.
That's not allowed.
You can't just call up your fucking girlfriend and say
"Hey, you know i love you but i might not be able to talk or see you for a while...my mom called the cops. They're on their way right now and i don't know what's going to happen. Please don't get upset, i'm crying&shaking and i wish you were here. I love you." and not even explain anything to me. You can't leave me here wondering what the fuck happened and just say "Sandra, i blacked out"
That's not fucking acceptable.
That's not fucking allowed.
It's not.
I'm so fucking hurt, worried and confused right now.
What the fuck sonia!
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(comment on this)
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1:45 pm
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I wasn't really planning on going on the field trip tomorrow for my art class, we're to go downtown and be looking at buildings & the detail.
But i think i'm going to go now afterall.
I didn't know Zoe would be going at the time.
I know you've been trying to get to know me, watching what i'm doing and closely paying attention for anything i might be saying, for what, i'm not sure yet. I know i'm not imagining or making this up either.
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Sunday, November 1st, 2009
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3:57 pm
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You're so willing, it's crazy.
I'm going to fucking rip you to shreds sweetie.
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(comment on this)
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1:11 pm
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Amy Winehouse, Play boy, Lingerie,
The Rocky Horror picture show,
Weed, Alcohol, and Spring rolls.
Rouge Hill.
That is my Halloween summed up right there.
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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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9:49 am
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12:08 am
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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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11:38 pm
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This is not where i should be.
This is not where i should be.
This is not where i should be.
This is not where i should be.
I am sorry that i'm not where i should be.
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10:52 pm
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Aaron, i miss you so fucking much.
I wish you were still here or i at least knew when you were coming back but i know you don't even have the answers to those questions so i won't even ask. For all i know though they could have shipped you somewhere far off and i'll never hear or see you again which honestly freaks me out.
I guess i'm being selfish though, as to why i wish you were here, I wish i could talk to you, ask you a million questions, and stuff. Know how you are.
I just hope your okay, having fun, and that you havn't forgotten about me.
I really hope i hear SOMETHING from you soon.
Your such an amazing person & friend and i'd hate to lose you.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
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10:39 pm
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"...do you have an eating disorder?"
"Uh, no. Why?"
"Oh...okay. Just asking."
"Ok."
"Are you sure?"
"What, do you want me to keep the door open now everytime i use the washroom for something? Would that help ease you?"
"..alright. I'm going to shower."
"Nice to know."
End of conversation.
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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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10:58 pm
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Mcdonalds is a lot harder to bring back up but surprisingly tastes about the same as it does when it went down.
I had Mcdonalds and then a little bit of soup, threw most of that up. Almost but not all quite but i guess enough for me to be satisfied. I've actually lost a bit of weight lately and i think it's just due to the fact that i'm smoking more weed then i am eating but i'm also noticing my tolerance slowly rising. Went shopping today as well.
Had to go by Sherbourne actually to get my photo i.d thing taken for the TTC since the old cards will be expired by the end of this week. I look so pale in it compared to last years!
Then i went to Value Village and picked up two shirts. Easiest place to take shit from. Seriously.
Then i went by Dufferin mall and went to H&M and got this black shirt that has sequins on the top-mid section of the shirt with small black buttons going down. It's so cute, i love it. They also had this really really nice high waisted skirt but it was a size too small for me otherwise i would have gotten it. I'm kind of hoping that it'll come back in stock again soon and it'll be there magically waiting for me aha.
Went by Walmart then to get a phonecard thing for my phone and ended up buying this dark green&white plaid shirt from Garage as well.
Sent Melissa a text today but she didn't respond. She's being really childish about this but if that's how she wants to act about it, that's fine. I can wait it out or forget her quite easily.
Sonia seems to be a bit more chipper these past days though but i can't tell if it's real happiness or if it's just induced by the drugs. She's been in a bit of a slump lately which i hate because it kind of affects me too in a way. Though, i do know she wants her space right now so i've been trying to give it to her as much as i can.
Tomorrows tuesday and i think i may be seeing a movie. Where the wild things are :)
I remember those books with those characters in them from when i was little and i kinda really wanna see it.
Lately things have been so nice in the mornings, especially with Autumn here. Smoking in the morning and then hopping on the bus and passing by all the trees and all the different vibrant colours has just been great.
I'm really bored&tired with things though lately. With me and with my life at the moment. Pretty fucking stagnant.
No clue really what i'm doing for Halloween this year. There is a homohop coming up Nov. 13th though and i think i might be going to that. Actually, i'm pretty sure i will be as long as the bouncer lets me in. Security is hardcore at that place. I think i might ask Stepha if she wants to go. To be honest though if it rains i probably will not be going so lets hope it doesn't.
Yes, i realize this entry does not flow and i probably contradicted myself a few times in some ways but i don't even know anymore.
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Sunday, October 25th, 2009
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9:46 pm
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I made myself throw up today. Twice.
It's been a good while since i've done that.
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Friday, October 23rd, 2009
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10:09 pm
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8:51 am - Sonia . . .
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I heard the tone in your voice change
even before you yourself realized.
That's when i knew;
i had to stop loving you.
That's when i knew,
i had to let go a little more.
Love you a little less.
That's how you do,
love your other but always a little less then they love you.
I really don't want to but i know what's coming..
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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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9:42 pm - just how fucking pathetic i am :)
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Saturday morning i grabbed my small orange heart-shaped tin canister that i keep my stash in. I packed a bowl and lit that shit up. Inhaling, exhaling. Inhaling. Exhaling. Everything was fine for a while.
For about 20 minutes anyways. That's about the time that i felt my heart rate suddenly shoot up.
This is the time i had to shut off my music and sit down.
This is the time i had to try and slow down and concentrate on breathing and trying to calm myself down.
I couldn't.
Why was this happening? I felt hothothot - burning up.
I grabbed my cellphone and opened my balcony door and sat on the step so i could feel the breeze softly come in and hit my back as i sat there to cool me off. I listened to the traffic noise and did breathing exersizes that are supposed to calm your nerves. It seemed to help a bit but not enough. I got back up and sat down on my couch and punched in 9-1- on my phone and stayed hunched over starring at those numbers, should i push that next 1? This has never happened before but i just decided to wait. I closed my phone and went back to the step by the door i just kept thinking, "It won't be long now, it won't be much longer. Soon." I was talking myself that this trip would either be over or that i would die soon.
I forgot and didn't even think anything of the amount of tylenoel i had taken just the previous night and how it might contribute but i can't even be sure if it was the amount that i took. I really wanted to smoke again this morning but decided against it, just incase. So, i cut myself instead but the relief is just not enough anymore from cutting it seems. I get timid because i think of how fucking deep it was last time. Which do i prefer? Bleeding out or passing out from a drug-related problem and never waking up again? I'm fucking lovely, i know.
I told Sonia what happened and she's the one that actually made me realize that it might have been the amount of tylenoel my body indgested earlier and that it's probably fucking with my kidneys. She suggested i lay off the greens and stop shoving powders up my nose and that it may have been laced.
I disagree. And i actually know for a fact that it was not laced. I'm certain. This might sound dramatic but it's either that or dying. Well, in any way i realize the path is still an express way to death but you know what? I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care because i wrote a fucking letter. I expressed how i felt and what i thought should be done. I had a meeting with Elanora who referred me to my doctor. I had a meeting with my doctor who pretty much said i was just being a teenager and lazy and that this would pass. She then referred me back to my school - I didn't go back to them. I didn't smoke this morning like i said or at all today and i have been bouncing off the walls. I was down, really fucking down, down, then okay, content, happier, grand, mellow, downdowndowndown. Repeat and repeat. I'm currently going down. Down, down, down.
I am waiting for tomorrow, for my mom to leave so i can have those extra 20 minutes to get high.
Yes, i'm being a fucking idiot! Already thinking about it. It's just so much easier to do so then go through all this emotional crap. I'll just take it really slow tomorrow to see how my body re-acts is all and stop after a few tokes if i notice anything out of usual. It'll be a good while before i run out of weed though. I know before i thought i was done with drugs but apprently not. It wasn't even that i was "done" with them at that time it's just that things had really slowed down during that time compared to the year before but here we go! Buckle up ladies and gentlemen! Picked up much more and even harder.
I'm so fucking pissed&bitter right now, it's unimaginable.
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9:34 pm
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"Before someone offered me drugs, you know, I was straight-edge.
And everyone's quit until you offer them a cigarette.
Before we learn our lesson, let's see how bad things can get. "
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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
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8:19 am - trippin' balllllllllllllsz
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Beautiful and unnoticed, unappreciated.
Thank less.
Yes, it was a cold and a bit of a grey day but no one realized how the colours on the trees changed when it was hit by the suns rays, enhancing the colour so very much.
Or how the tall grass slowly shifted and swayed in the wind almost like it was showing you a secret path somewhere so very off.
Or the amazing detail or thought on the buildings that surrounded them.
It was a day like any day.
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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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11:32 pm
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I love this girl and all the sketchy nights we've had, the chunks of time that seem to disappear and dissolve when were together and how we don't even have to talk because we're both comfortable with that silence. I love how she's so happy to see me when we've been away for some time but this isn't a healthy relationship. I know that much but i don't know how to quite break it off with you or if i even want to quit you. I'm not even sure it'd be possible right now actually but i think if one of us doesn't change we will both continue this way and never move ahead in things. I'm always trying to asses our relationship but ours is never really that easy to define as others may be for me. I'm riding the fence a lot with you.
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Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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9:13 pm
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