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HL's Journal
Well my mother and I went for a ride this morning to pay bills, and she told me straight about pops. She told me that he is still around here for a reason, but really he should be gone. That were just waiting for him to "kick the boat" or some shit. I love pops, and I don't want him to go, but he always told me, that he will always be around. That he is just going to leave his physical form, and always be around spiritually. I believe him, and I am thankful for everyday he is still with me. I still want to make peace with him, because I never did tell him straight up that I am thankful he came into my life and how I look up to him. Its just that I got teased a lot about squishy moments like that, and I don't want to make him feel like he is going to die tomorrow. But he has been seeing someone walk around the apartment lately. Mom says its death lurking around the corner, waiting for him. I have come to an understanding about morality in my point of life, especially what my dad has taught me so far. I don't know, as I type here, I get this eerie feeling that something is watching me, but it doesn't scare me. My dad told me the only thing to fear in this world is the creator. Fuckin dark guy in the shadows....
But on the upside, I am grateful for how things work out for me. It seems like someone truly does look out for me out there. I can't wait for Friday, were getting a new OC and I am hoping that TK is gonna be there. Its kind of a surprise, but I actually missed her, because I never seen her in like a month. I really try to hide how I feel about her, because I am afraid of getting busted down again. But none the less, I am going to be happy if I at least see her face. It's like having nothing really that great in your life, and she is the only thing I can look forward to, other than that, life is shitty. She just a genuine chick that is a bit shy, but is out going.
But I should really lighten up now, because the more positive I think, the more I over come that black thing in the dark. I am planning on devoting the next year of my life to training with the CF. It starts in February and I should be ready for it if I start now. I kind of picked up twenty pounds since I took my BMQ course in August. So I have to work harder If I want to be where I am planning on going. Then my summer is going to be work up training for 1/11. My little brother is going to go with me hopefully so we can look out for each other out there in the war zone. I hope to gain a great deal of life exp from this. From the money I get from training, I want to fix my eyes for good, no more contacts or glasses. Then look for a house to buy with the rest, because, I figure that I gotta start off some where in life. But that is my plan, I can't say its going to happen like that, I can just take life as it comes toward me. Still think about the girls that had meaning to me in life now and then. Wondering if they think the same, but I better not let myself get too off track.
Current mood: Edgey.
Current music: I'm with you-Avril Lavigne.
Well I like to come talk about shit and shit when no one else is around the computer but me. I like to just type about what ever is on my mind at the moment. It's like a stress reliever or something in that manner, its the time that I can be myself. I just watched that movie New moon tonight and it is missing something that would make it better, because I was left wondering about certain things. (See what I mean?) My brothers went out last night and asked me if I wanted to come along. All I was thinking was fuck that shit, because before I used to have a good fun time, now it seems that if I go along, a whole shit load of drama always unfolds. So count me out, because sure I could go and meet new people, but it seems like I can never escape my party, just because I am a DD. Everyone knows that I don't drink and I never did, so they believe they will be safe with me watching out for them. Last night I was pretty grouchy waking up at four o'clock to go down to the west flats to pick my brother up. I swear I was driving up and down that street looking for him for like an hour and a half. I was driving slow sometimes looking for my brother that taxis must have thought I was trying to pick up a hooker or something. I'll never give it up to a hooker ever, just keep waiting for her. I'm not that different, a lot of guys today still hold their V-card into their 20's. But the luck I have been having with women lately, kind of makes me think that they are all the same. Like last week, one of my brothers girlfriends stood me up when the armstice ball came around. I ended up going by myself, and I still had a good fucking time. The real twist was after the ball, everyone decided to go out to the bar. For some reason my brothers girlfriend wanted to go to Kickers, the club. Guess who the fuck was parting there, yup, my "stand me up" escort. My brothers girlfriends wanted to beat her up but I told them it was pointless, because the damage was already done. Plus I didn't really give a fuck, because the whole time she was trying to make an excuse. She was saying that she phoned my brothers girlfriend last night and she thought that my brothers girlfriend would have told me. The problem was, that I was at my brothers girlfriends house that night and no one did call. She tried to turn it around on me and called me an immature little boy or some shit, but we both knew who was guilty. She blew me and my formal ball off so she could go out drinking at some shitty stale club. I don't have time for people like that, which is why I steer clear from clubbers.
Didn't do too much today, just played some Fallout 3. Sometimes I think that I spend too much time on my xbox, because I should really get out do stuff. Like my SQ course in mid Feb, means that I only have three months to prepare. Plus I am really holding off going back to Wal-mart, when I should really be working right now full time. I would get a different job, but Wallies is the only place that is flexible enough to work around my military career. There is just a lack of motivation right now, because of all this crap.
Pops is in the hospital again, the doctors are always saying that he doesn't have much time left. But my dad believes otherwise, he doesn't want anybody to shoot down his hopes. I just enjoy him while he his here everyday, because after all he is my hero. Despite the past couple of years of him being a drug user, I still look up to being like him. He taught all my brothers that death is just another part of life, and that we will always be together. I understand that he did his best for us growing up and he made us all into men, and I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for him. He still makes me and my little bro feel no worry with his solid ass army attitude:) As far as I am concerned, he will always be with me no matter what.
Current mood: Hard to swallow.
Current music: They're not horses, they're unicorns-Bayside.
I feel a whole lot better after getting all that stuff off my chest, so now this will be my journal. Well I am back in PA again, after trying to escape from here in the first place. But I guess that little move I took to Stoon really made me understand that there is no place like home. I was kind of forced to move back here because I don't want to live with any of my brothers right now, especially Ty. Ty completely fucked me over just like everyone told me he would, but oh well, we all learn somehow. The last thing that pushed me was the fact that he went and sold my beloved zune to some coke dealer. That zune means the most to me, it has been with me for over a year and no matter where I went, I always had it with me. It took me though some boring times on sentry and entertained me on long trips, so losing it was that much harder on me. I wish my life was a little better right now, but isn't that what everyone wants? My brothers addicted to coke, and they are all fighting each other, its like I can't be seen with either of them without them thinking I am taking sides. I just want to become a better person, because there are some things that I do that I think aren't normal. Like playing a video game online all day for like twelve hours, talk about a couch potato lol.
Ty ended up spending all our rent money too, so the apartment at Stoon is fucked, all because someone does drugs. Its pretty bad being around someone who is on drugs because its like they suck in everything around them, your whole world just goes down. Even my dad is a user, the one person that I look up to and want to make proud and be like him. Today I walked in on him with an elastic band around his arm, but it didn't bother me that much. His health is in such poor condition from the drugs and his welding career, that his body took its toll. Its like sex as an example, you will do and say anything in the heat of the moment, but when it comes time to blowing your load, nothing matters after that and everything about what you just did starts to sink in. A slammer will lie and steal and do whatever it takes to get that high.
Well, I met another girl, she's from the army and she is a cowgirl. I first met her in basic training, when everyone was in distress. Maybe I should just get it over with and ask her if she wants to go to the Armastice ball on Friday, which is her birthday. But then if I get rejected I will have to face up to her on military exercises, oh well fuck it. I should have asked her at the Lt. Boyes funeral, but I didn't want to make a scene around everyone else that was there. I kind of have trouble talking to someone when there is a shit load of people standing around. She is different this time, I think that is what attracts me toward her. She is born and raised straight country, that means she isn't super needy and super moody like a city chick. She breaks horses for a living and is a rodeo chick. Loves the country and wants to farm for the rest of her life. She told me shes taking archeology at the U of S, and her life currently sucks just like mine right now. She said she had a boyfriend while on BMQ, but i'm pretty sure she broke up with him, I ought to be sure, because next thing I'll get shot down with the"ohh, I have a boyfriend already" line.
But yeah I better get my ass working a Wal-mart again, for the winter anyways until I can resume training in February. Many goals trials and tribulations await me in the future, but i'll get through them.
Current mood:
pessimistic.Current music: Dreamgirl-Tay Disim feat Akon.
I waited patiently for three years, until that moment would come again. Well it came and went, and just like last time I fucked it up. I don't know, there is still some qualities that I lack, that I wish I had. The main one being my self confidence. I tend to look forward to things too much, like over thinking really bad. But after I left Wallies, a part of me didn't want to let go, like the scar that was present. I was literally obsessed with her for a while. I had experienced good emotions and bad emotions up to this point, but being obsessed with someone is just plain wrong. So what did I do? I didn't become some freaky stalker sitting outside a house, no that's taking it way to far. I instead decided to search for her on the world wide web, which is what brought me here in the first place. My Lieutenant told me that nothing on the internet is considered private, so even as I write this I know its going to be public. But oh well I don't really give a fuck anyways, because it makes me feel better to get it all out.
I first searched for Cayla on google, ever hear about people googleing people? Well I was one of those people. I came across some of her darker times in her past, because lets be honest no one is perfect, I know I'm not. I found out that she likes to go to the clubs all the time. If I could say something about clubbers, its that they should be steered clear from. My brothers have clubbing girlfriends and to be honest, from what I have seen, they are not the greatest. Everyone arguing about who grinded on who and shit like that. Nothing but a whole fuck load of drama and problems. I found out about what happened to her when she was little with her dad. Now that is something that I didn't understand at first, but I did a lot of thinking. Shit like what happened to her fucks people up everyday. I know it happens on my reserve on a daily basis, but what can you do about it? That is why i'm glad that I never grew up on the rez, my older brothers unfortunately did. I learned that she was and out going type of person that enjoyed her social life. She didn't have the greatest family relationship, because what I learned, there was times she didn't get along with her family. Completely different from me because my family is all that I have, over anyone of my buddies any day. She used to be a cutter, and I can't determine if she still is, but from what I know, that undesirable habit will always haunt someone underneath it all. People cut to feel more physical pain than the underlying emotional pain, in turn it cancels out the emotional pain temporarily. She was suicidal at one time in her life, but with that much emotions running through the body at that age, something is bound to happen. She sometimes feels like there is no one left that cares, in a sense she sometimes believes there is no more good left in the world. Life can get dark at certain times for Cayla, but really its the battle within herself that makes it like that. She still has alot of insecurities about herself. I mean sure she knows that she is a little hottie, but it will never be enough for her. The more that I read up on her, I thought to myself, "You know, maybe what happened, happened for a reason" And for like the first time I could start to let go. I read what ever journal entries I could find about her on this site. There is alot more to a person than meets the eye, that's what I learned.
After Cayla and Wal-Mart, I searched for somebody to attach onto, I was sort of a leech, because I wanted that feeling again. Now this is where it gets more fucked up, I chose my cousin. Well she isn't really my cousin because we're not related by blood or by marriage, just close family friends. But who am I trying to convince, our families are so close that I might as well call her my cuz. We would kind of poke hints at each other, but would never do anything about it because we knew of the consequences of our actions. But I decided that it would be a bright idea if I bought her a dozen blue roses for her birthday. Sure it costed alot, but it didn't matter to me. She was so surprised on her birthday, but I never did tell her it was me, i am glad I didn't, because I think of the consequences now. But I dummied up after telling myself what I was doing was wrong of me.
Through all of what has happened in the past two years, I learned more than I could have asked for. She may be out there somewhere, but I have to find her and I am certain that I will one day make my way toward her. This will most likely be my last entry, because I feel I learned more just from writing down some of my story.
I can't believe I am saying it, but I FEEL GREAT :D
Current mood:
optimistic.Current music: Hero of War-Rise Against.
I woke up this morning at six thirty and felt like I slept in...lol. I don't get it, its been like four or five days since I graduated from BMQ and it feels like army mode is still turned on. I guess that its for the better, because I can be more productive with my days. Its weird because it was like I knew my course mates for like a year, but it was only a month. I remember when people would say stuff like,"only three weeks to go!" Then toward the end, people were more like,"I wish we were here longer" Amazing what that shit does to you, I can't wait to go onto my next training exercise. I will be more fit for Soldier Qualification, there is going to be a lot of lugging weapons around. I am going to admit, that it feels great to look forward to something now. Its a new feeling of focus, because before it was like I was waiting for something to fall out of the sky or something. I even started up a new facebook account for the sole purpose of keeping in touch with my BMQ family. I left face crack like two months ago and I never thought I was ever going to go back, but never say never.
But getting on with the story about my heart getting ripped the fuck out, or somewhere along those lines.lol My days were long and tiresome, but it didn't bother me at all. I even managed to fit in exercise, but I sacrificed nutrition and didn't eat sometimes. I found myself getting skinny, and I wasn't too happy about that because I wanted to be built, not some little string bean. It was like I was trying to become this person that I thought other people wanted me to be. But I am not going to shit myself here, I did it because of her. I would be carrying 2x4 studs thinking,"only three more hours, I hope she is going to be there" And when I did see her, my day would just be that much more happy.
Just a quick note off the track for a quick sec. I remember when this girl from my reserve asked me to be here escort for grad and I accepted. I hardly even knew her, but I put everything I had to impress her. Money wasn't a factor, because I never really had the time to spend what I was making anyways. I rented this white tux a day before the grad and got a corsage and boutonniere(real). I was completely flawless on that day and the way the sun shone, it was like the graduation I never had. I was just an escort, but everyone thought I was graduating. Her name was Ashley, and she really really wanted me, but I just didn't feel that way. Weird, kind of like how I really really wanted Cayla, but she didn't feel the same way. What goes around comes around is the lesson here and it was coming around for me.
But yeah, this one particular evening, I actually grew some balls and handed Cayla a little note that I wrote. I tried to explain in the note how I felt guilty for leaving to go to school in Regina, how I still felt about her, and all the other scary admirer shit that she probably didn't want to read. But I was expecting a reply, but I knew that I scared the shit outta her, because how her behavior was the next couple of days. She was literally scared of me and she tried to avoid me most of the time. What the hell was I supposed to do? I never had a girlfriend before, or had no clue as to how to attempt to work towards one. After finding out the news about how she felt, I still didn't want to believe it for some reason, talk about being hung up. Then one night I just had to confirm it fully and I approached her and told her straight out that I couldn't let her go. She told me straight out that she is in a serious relationship and shit. I still thought that she was lying, that she wasn't happy with her boyfriend. It's kind of this sense that I got, that she wanted out, just not with me. But as soon as I got confirmation, that was it I told myself everyday,"Just let it go"
For the very first time in my life I felt heart-break. Now up until that point, I always thought that a heart break was all bull shit, but I physically hurt. It was weird, because my heart literally hurt for not apparent physical reasons. Emotional and physical dimensions just crossed and it was so perplexing to me because I just couldn't believe it. For about three or more weeks, the hurt deep down wouldn't go away and I would just keep telling myself, "Its over, let it go already." I thought it was never going to end, because it was like my whole world came to a halt, nothing mattered to me anymore. My family noticed how I acted, but I never told anyone about what was going on. I had a few options to choose; leave Wal-mart so I don't have to hurt anymore, find another girl to grow accustomed to, or live in a world of hurt and do nothing. Then, that's when she showed up...
Her name was Carmen and she just started working at Wal-mart in the Domestics section. It was like god was tired of seeing me hurt and she was sent to help me move along. I didn't think anything of her at first, but it was more of the little things she did that attracted me. She actually waited for me to come to work everyday, at the same spot. And we would have this little pre-work chat that would be about anything. She was english, as she is from England, so I would poke fun at her accent all the time. We always would find things to do around Wal-mart like ride the pallet jacks, or play hide and seek in the carpets. I just got this great feeling of having purpose, that someone actually looked forward to seeing me everyday. My face literally hurt all the time, because I never smiled so hard, she made me feel happy. Carmen was the big band-aid that covered my heart and healed it. Then I got stupid...
Okay, so I was so convinced that Carmen was into me that I challenged Chad(some 35yr old guy) to winning Carmen heart. Biggest fuckin mistake, but hey everyone has to fuck up once right? To learn from their mistakes in the end. I remember it still, it was the last day that I worked at Confed Wal-mart. It was the day before Carmen's 19th birthday, and I told Chad, "May the best man win ;)" There was alot of back stabbing that went on and rumors and all that shit, it was a dirty game. But I was so convinced that I had her heart, that I was willing to gamble it all. After all the shit that went on during that shift, it was winning by the evening. I even made Chad look bad by getting other girls working that night to go bug Chad. But in the end, Chad pulled the dirtiest move possible out, kind of like a last resort self-destruction plan. He went and got Carmen alone and told her everything about the competition and pulled the bitch move of self pity. He was like," Oh, I know I am this old and I could never have someone like you." And he just made me sound like a complete douche bag and shit like that, but he won fair and square.
I told the guys,"I'll see you next time." And they were like,"Your not leaving." And I told them,"Watch me." I seen Carmen on the way out and I kept it simple and said to her,"I hope I see you again sometime." That was it, I left everything that night, all the bullshit and drama that I had experienced, but in my world it all happened for a reason.
Current mood:
accomplished.Current music: You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift.
I can't express how great my experience with the Canadian Military was. It was honestly the best damn thing that ever happened, I will never forget my BMQ for as long as I live. At first I was so stressed that I thought I wasn't going to make it, but as the days past by, I became a stronger person inside and out. It made me realize alot of things that I took for granted, and how civilian life is different. I lived with all my course troops for such a long time, that I grew accustomed to working together with them. I was finally recognized for all the hard work I poured into the course. My Master Bombardier confirmed with me that I was his top candidate, and I was a good soldier. That meant a lot to me, because I constantly strive for the best. I am a marksman as well, I was recommended to become a sniper. I finally found a great sense of accomplishment in something I can do, a goal to work toward. All the while becoming the person I want to be. I accomplished goals that I never thought possible and brought out a new side in myself I never thought existed.
There was just so much new experiences and weird shit that happened at BMQ. I learned how to be a killer and all, but I also learned how to be a team player. My dreams were starting to get weird, because everything I was dreaming was happening, kind of like de'ja'vu or something. But most importantly, I finally learned how to let go of the old me.... All of my mistakes and bad habits and just straight out everything that was bothering me about being a weird guy.
But yeah, I didn't get to finish my story before I left. It might have a more sincere tone to it now, because I view things a bit differently now, I finally let go.... I believe that I just left to go to school and I was pretty much a sad guy. My brothers, being who they are, did not want me to be alone. Because after all, I still never brought home a girl friend yet and I was beginning to think that they thought I was gay or something. But no, I was just so attached to one girl, that I literally blocked every other girl out, no matter how funny or smart or good looking they were. My brothers girlfriends tried setting me up with their friends all the time, but I couldn't get here off my mind. I was literally insane now that I think of it, I just wasn't ready to admit it or something.
But when I went to school, I really let her get to my studies and I slipped, I just wasn't focusing like I should have. Kind of silly of me know that I think of it, but I was one fucked up crazy guy. So I just couldn't wait to finish the semester and I ended up failing one of my four classes, barely getting by on another class, which was stupid of me :(. Crazy what a girl can do to one person.
Also while I was at school, I picked up an advertisement on direct regular member recruitment of the RCMP. I showed up one day thinking that it was going to be a information session. When I arrived the lady was like"Ohh, we have a walk in." She took my license and told me to go sit down. Next thing that I knew, I was told that the tests were going to be four hours long, and I was like "what the hell did I get myself into?" I just started my career choice by fluke, I thought "ohh shit, well what the hell am I going to university for if I can get in fast like this?" There was a whole shit load of tests and processing that would go on for the next six or seven months, that I can not disclose.
But I went back to Wal-Mart to work, super excited to be working around her again, because all I had to do was see her to be satisfied. I still remember the first time I saw her after all those months, she looked at me and rolled her eyes, which I should have taken as a clear sign of her feelings toward me. But yeah I was blinded by my craziness, and I overlooked a lot of things, silly me. I also had a second job outside of Wal-mart, building houses with my older brother. It payed way more than wal-mart did, but I spent more time at wal-mart just to see her. I remember working all morning just looking forward to go to wal-mart at 3:30, it was like all I ever looked forward to was seeing her again. Yeah my days were long for a while, waking up at seven and working till 2:30 then 3:30 to midnight at Wallies. But all I cared about was her, so I was literally a crazy fuckin person. I just had it in my head that she was still into me for the longest time, its all that I wanted to believe, because I didn't want to get hurt. But little did I know what was waiting in store for me lol :):(:'(. Gonna go to bed now, ill write more later.
Current mood: Focused.
Current music: Best I Ever Had-Drake Feat. Lil Wayne.
Well i'm gonna be gone for the next four and a half weeks. I just wish that I could have finished what I started, But I am always busy most of the time traveling. I will finish when I get back, because this did actually teach me more than I thought. But I leave tomorrow morning at six oclock, gonna have people screaming at me the whole time. But I really want the life experience of being in the army, I want to be sharpened like the person I should be. She'll pull me through like she always does, I had a dream....
Current mood:
good.Current music: Best I Ever Had-Drake Feat. Lil Wayne.
I just finished doing like four days of traveling, here and there. I have so much things to deal with and so little time to do everything. I am going to be gone for four and a half weeks and it seems like the days are just flying by. Well I told HER about this brief life story I am writing. I intend to tell the truth about everything, because after all, who am I trying to be perfect for? But shit, I shouldn't listen to this music, because it just adds salt to the wounds. But I have to finish as much as possible, before I leave, because my spirit needs rest.
To be completely honest with myself, I have no idea why I couldn't of been more open with Cayla. I remember there would be times when I would be with her alone, but I just couldn't say anything. I was afraid I guess of saying the wrong thing and setting off a bad image. But as I realized later on, I just made things worse in the end. But that sort of stuff happens in life because it teaches you a lesson. But being in her presence gave me a good feeling inside. Yes she was a pretty intimidating person to me, She just had that look.
I had started to see her talking with other guys at work other than Brad. It made me think that she moved on from Brad, and I don't blame her. It seems like Brad just didn't put in the effort to make his relationship work. After all, everyone just wants to search for that happiness, that feels so good. As long as I seen her at work everyday, it made me happy, because she was the one thing I looked forward to. But deep down I knew that she wouldn't wait forever, and my deep feeling of happiness wouldn't last forever. hmmph its funny because I was right.
As the months past by, I just couldn't bring myself to come out straight with Cayla. She started to give me this,"I'm tired of waiting" look. I don't know why, but I can communicate better with someone non verbally, if that makes sense. And the whole time she gave me that look, I just thought to myself,"Well neither of us is going any where." She was the reason, I didn't drop Wal-mart for my second job, which I made double what I was making. I put up with so much bulshit with customers and management, but she made it all worth it. I remember the good days, when I would tell customers to go to the front of the store to get their battery refunds. I would tell them to go see a short cute wonderful girl named Cayla. And they would ask me if I liked her and I would reply yeah, but she's taken already, with a look of disappointment. I just thought of her so much all the time, more than I ever thought of anyone before.
I remember when Cayla dyed her hair brunette, well a light brunette color. I used to think when I first seen her, she would look even better if her hair was dark brown. But when she was a brunette, I honestly wished she kept her hair blond. I remember some times, because I was so damn busy most of the time that I wouldn't get a chance to go up to the front to see her. So instead, Cayla would find ways to come see me. She would go around the store returning stray merchandise, rather than calling departments to pick it up. And when I would see her walking down the hall toward me, I would smile, but I couldn't keep eye contact with her. I was too self-conscious inside, which lead to a lot of discouragement.
I will never forget the last time I ever seen a true smile on Cayla's face. It's funny how certain moments in life take a permanent picture that stays with you forever. This was one of those moments, where her single moment will forever be locked in my memory forever. I was training a guy in automotive, and his day was finished. We were both joking around, and I had the biggest grin on my face. Cayla was leaving for the day when I ran into her down the hall. She was walking regular, but once she saw my huge smile, it was like it was contagious. She looked at me and gave me the biggest smile ever, so big all her teeth were showing. At that moment, I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness inside myself, like I made the day of the person that meant to most to me. It would be the last time I ever saw her smile like that...:(
I had decided to go back to university in Regina, that upcoming winter semester. This all familiar feeling came on to me, the same feeling I had when grade 10 was coming to an end. I just felt like I didn't care about anything anymore. Cayla had moved to fashion, which was like on the opposite side of the store. So I barely got to see her, which made me feel sad a lot. It was like I was cocooned at the corner of the store, held against seeing her anymore. I had no excuse to run into her anymore. It was my last month at Wal-mart and I felt like I drifted so far away from Cayla, mainly because I didn't see her as much. On the day I left, I made a thank you card for her. I could never get the balls to give the card to her in person, so I just dropped it in her department on the floor some where I thought she would find it. I wrote a thank you for giving me the experience of feeling love and being there to keep me at Wal-mart longer than I thought I was going to last. I never knew if she ever did get that card, but I know I left it in her department.
That last night I worked at Wal-mart, I was so sad, because it felt like it was the end of everything. I drove to Prince Albert that night, and I was listening to music on the way. That song When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne came on, and the meaning was so strong, that I :'(. Now I never was the type to cry in any situation, no matter how sad. But the memories that song triggered, made me cry deep down, and for the first time in my life, I just :'( and :'(. I was so sad, that I just couldn't keep myself from crying. I finally understood how my little brother felt after he got dumped from his girlfriend. I remember when he cried and I thought,"it can't be that bad," very little did I know. I got a speeding that ticket that night, in Hauge for going 99 in a 80 zone. I will never forget that night ever, because it was so different.
Current mood:
drained.Current music: Meagan-Bayside (live in Chicago).
Holy shit... I actually saw her for the first time in just about a year. I think the last time I saw her was when I was at Wal-mart on that day I walked out on my job in August. I wasn't completely rushed emotionally when I seen her this time, which means that I am moving on. I admit I was surprised, because I never thought I would ever see her again. I guess going to pick up a cell phone at that Confed Wal-mart was a good idea. But yeah, what I am about to tell next is fully coming from what I actually felt. So if you find yourself asking, "Why would he say that?," just know that everything is coming from deep down. Because to be honest, there is some shit that I am not proud of, but I have the balls to admit it. It makes me feel more at ease when I get some skeletons out of my closet. I'm gonna break Cayla's story up into parts, because there is just so much to get out finally....
The very first time I seen or noticed Cayla was when I was training to use the cashier's till. I just started working at Wal-mart in Saskatoon, and I had to learn how to use the till before I started working in the automotive section of Wal-mart. I was at the very front tills, training on my own till and Cayla was operating the till right behind my till. At first I turned around and glanced at her and thought to myself,"Ok, she's a little cute blond, she's a little too good looking for my league." Then she had to tease and take it one step further. She would leave her till and come waltzing into my view, because it was pretty dead with hardly any customers. She made it look like she was looking for customers, but I got this strong feeling that she was looking for attention. I fell for it, and I would look over her way, because I guess I just wanted to feel like I was special or something. But that was just first impressions...
By the way, I don't think I ever ran into Cayla outside of work, so this whole thing was built around work. I got trained and I went to go work in automotive at my little till. It wasn't until later that I found out Cayla worked at the courtesy desk up at the front of the store. I still remember the first time Cathy(my manager) took me up to the courtesy desk to show me where to collect any returns. There she was...I didn't really think anything of it at first, it was more like,"Oh there's the little blond I first seen while till training." I was looking for someone to make work worth coming to. I mean sure you can work, but when you have something to look forward to, the whole meaning of work changes. So I began to grow an attachment of seeing her everyday...
I would find any odd item and empty packages in my department, to take up to the front of the store. And the first thing I would ask my self is,"I wonder if she is in today, I just want to see her face." And it all slowly built from there. It was kind of like I didn't want her to know that I was going up to the front to see her. I wanted to be low profile and act like I wasn't interested. I think that she was probably aiming for the same idea as I was. But you can't deny the indescribable feeling that was there.
It finally hit me one day, when I went up to the courtesy desk to return some stray merchandise. As I walked closer, I was hoping to see her and as I got around the corner, I was looking right at her and she quickly looked me in the eyes... At that moment, I felt this HUGE rush just overcome my whole body. I don't know if it was the look, or if it was the fact that she glanced at me in the first place, but I never experienced a rush like that before. I listened to music with artists saying that a girl could make them weak, but I never understood what they meant. It was until that moment, I understood fully what it meant. Because after my heart was racing so fast, I felt physically weak. It was something that I just couldn't understand, until I asked myself,"Is this what love feels like?" I literally felt drained out physically, and it made me want to see her even more. It was like heroine in a sense of speaking, because Cayla was the heroine, and I wanted more and more.
For the longest time, I would just think about her and nothing else. So what if customers got pissed off at me and work was kind of stressful, Cayla made it all worth it. I would just think of seeing her all the time and I would constantly think of the next time I was going to see her. I remember walking around the store sometimes, picking random items off the shelf to take up to her. Just to see that smile she had every time that I went to see her, made my day and brought comfort to my heart. There was this one time I went up to the courtesy desk and Cayla was happy and she made some funny remarks, but I just didn't know what to say to her. I always had this self conscious side that ate away at me, probably because of what happened with Lindsay. Yep, I guess I was traumatized for life by Lindsay.
I just got so tied up in the moment, because after three years of waiting for a girl to come along, I just didn't want to let it go. I took advantage of Cayla's situation, I thought that the feeling was going to last forever, because I knew neither of us were going to go anywhere. Isn't that how it goes for everyone? You don't know what you got until its gone. Well I learned that one the hard way:( I just thought that it was going to be like that forever.
I remember the time where she got switched to mornings and I never got to see her for like five days. Trust me, when you're that deep in, five days feels like an eternity. I would listen to the radio and when that song "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne would come on, I would feel sad because I never seen Cayla. I would relate the lyrics in that song to how I felt when Cayla was gone. Even now when I hear that song, it reminds me of Cayla and me being sad.
After not seeing Cayla for about five days, made me feel like nothing mattered until I got to see her again, its all I looked forward to. Finally the day I seen her again, I got a super rush again that made me weak, but something was different this time. I know psychologist claim its nothing but bullshit, but my left ear rang loud when ever she seen me. It made me think that I had this unknown bond with her. Because every single time my left ear rang, I thought to myself,"I know she's thinking about me at this exact moment." The funny thing is my ear only rang that loud if She seen me or I was thinking of her, because it very rarely rings now, like it did back then.
I remember the day Brad first started work at the automotive section changing oil and tires. Cayla had a big smile and said to me,"If you see my boyfriend in the back, tell him I said hi," she continued,"He just started working in the back of TLE, his name is Brad." Now most guys would be heart broken to find out that the girl they really liked had a boyfriend, but not me. I was so convinced that Cayla was into me, that I laughed at the idea of her having a boyfriend that she liked. I had the biggest grim that day, and everyone was wondering why. I was just eager to meet Brad, just to see what Cayla seen in him. I was also looking for weaknesses in his character, to see if he was the ideal guy that deserved Cayla.
My first impression on Brad was,"How the hell does a guy that looks like that end up with a girl like Cayla?" But I knew there was more to him than meets the eye. He kind of seemed like the type that blocked out anyone who was trying to invade his world. He didn't trust people as openly as most people do. He was kind of permissive at first, but if you said the wrong thing he kind of got offensive. Like this one time I asked him about how long he was with Cayla and he was like, "for a while." Never did get any definite answers out of him. But he seemed like a pretty calm and collected type of guy, you know laid back. I did only find one flaw in him, and it was that he simply did not care enough. He acted like he didn't give a rats ass about whether or not his future was stable. In a way, he really only cared about his own well being, kind of selfish. But everyone has their flaws, even I do, Brad's flaw was just himself. I asked him about his situation and he said he was living in a house his parents gave him. He said he was living with his best friends and Cayla. I analyzed the situation right away and asked him," You aren't worried about your friends trying to steal Cayla off you?" He replied,"My friends would never do that, because they know that I would kick them out right away." I thought to myself,"I wonder how long its going to take him to realize what my dad taught me about how there is no such thing as a friend." I thought oh well he'll have to learn the hard way I guess, because I wouldn't trust no friends living around my girlfriend. I told him that, I said,"If I were you, I wouldn't trust no friends, they can turn their back on you like that." Brad said,"I've known them long enough to know nothing will happen." Then Brad got a little offensive after he said that, so I dropped the subject. But all in all, he was a guy that seemed like he truly had deep feelings for Cayla, way underneath his shell.
I often wondered why Cayla left him, if not myself, I would say that Brad was the best thing for Cayla. Because he wasn't as selfish as most of the pretty-boy assholes I have seen out there. But as always no matter what, I have come to find that nice guys ALWAYS finish last..
Current mood:
relieved.Current music: Good Things-Rich Boy.
Well I can't avoid the inevitable forever. It is about time I came out and talked about her. The one girl that for some reason made my life heaven and hell. She is the reason I type these words right now. For if it was not for her, I would have not found this web site in the first place. She was the one girl that had a huge impact on my life right now. I mean i'm listening to Relient K right now all because of her. But I ask my self sometimes, how far can an obsession go? When will I ever give up and let go? The more I write, the more I understand about why things are the way they are. Well this is going to be the biggest story so far, but I am extremely tired right now, so I will wait till tomorrow. Her name is Cayla L** O********K, and she broke my heart...literally
Current mood:
tired.Current music: I so hate consequences-Relient K.