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[15 Dec 2009|12:43am] |
I'll pretend it's me that makes your heart ache like that, but I'll never know since I won't ask. I'd rather pretend then pursue such a dangerous path.
Besides, I'm locked on another target. My attention is being divided and I'm looking for possibilities with another. I can't handle all of you, so the only thing I can do is try to push you out. Like always, a little remains. That little piece that stays, is just enough for me to keep swallowing. Pushing it further, covering it up, masking it.
I love you but it's only goodbyes I have for you. My lover who's always leaving, I can't catch you. You are the wind, you control the tide. You push the weary sailors to my reef and I sing them to them until they die. Don't you know, I sing for you? I don't even see them at my feet. I see them only long enough to kick them off, send them to the other things in the sea.
..But I can't. Not with you. I can't never catch you and my heart has broken too many times to be called a heart. So I give up. I don't have enough string to hold it together. I'm going to try another, even if it's you I dream of.
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[15 Dec 2009|12:39am] |
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Einstein and Issac, speak to me brothers!
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[09 Dec 2009|11:25pm] |
The nutshell. My major malfunction:
Investing myself where I don't belong.
Needing to know things I shouldn't.
Over compensating, especially when I'm indecisive.
I have learned more self restraint - emotionally - from being hurt by them. In the end I'm just hurting myself, thus my reluctance to confront love. Honest. Airing dirty laundry, get ready for full frontal.
I always feel like I'm runner up. I know it's not the truth, but it's the most horrible feeling. Guys cheat on their girlfriends with me, don't tell me until it's too late. How does that make me feel? Like a toy. An expendable toy and my wounded pride won't take it. Every asshole I meet, since the first one, I've just walled up myself. Keep pulling layers of thick skin over my heart so I in the event it breaks, at least there will be something holding it together.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm an emotional wreck.
I just want to love somebody truly and deeply but I pick the wrong ones. I fall in love with the impossible ones. The ones who could do me right, I wrong. and not just surface scratches either, I cut them deep like my first cut into me. He destroyed the good parts of me. I use to be nice. I use to love and care for only one person - casting all aside. Now he's made me afraid that someone will reduce me - out of love- and subject me to their twisted sense of justice - again. Like I could handle another boyfriend blackmailing and raping me.
Thanks. I needed that like I need teeth in my asshole.
So there you go. You can tell yourself anything you want, but I was always good to you when I was your girlfriend. But after that...well, you murdered her. She's no longer here and hardly anyone remembers her. I'm here now and I bring the tyranny of the furies with me to meet any man who wants to take from me. Even if that's just to take my "love" it's still part of me and no one can have it.
Even the word - love - makes me cringe in disgust.
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| Good people do bad things |
[04 Dec 2009|07:40pm] |
Lord, help me. I can't seem to help myself. Drug test on Monday. Ate shrooms yesterday. I know better, but God dammit, so help me I never act better. My head is too chaotic. I do things, some say without thinking, but I know what I'm doing. Just don't know why I do it. Know I'll end up regretting it. Oh boy. Anyway, I called my doctor to see if shrooms will show up on my urine screen for this hospital job. Guess not. Score one for boomers.
In other news. Finals in T minus 14 days. Tomorrow is Noel night and I've invited someone along who I'd like to get to know, if you catch my drift. I'm not looking for love or even a fuck, I got no time for that. Did I mention finals are coming up? I also ran the FL79-RT1 primer and things didn't work. Seems like nothing works. The control didn't work. Dr. Akins think's it's the PCR, so i've got to go in on monday to try those. Fuck a duck. Finals finals finals.
What the fuck is real? Maybe I'm not insane, just confused. Maybe I have a difficult time controlling myself, my aggression, my feelings of betray and abandonment. Who the fuck knows. The only think I know is real, is that I don't have time to take care of myself right now. I don't have time for a mental reality check. I have to much to deal with to think of that. Fuck.
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| Fish & Bird |
[29 Nov 2009|11:11pm] |
I hate how this feeling takes over me. I talk to him and he says those things. My knees buckle and I'm utterly worthless. I want to be strong, but I think it's just weakness in disguise. I don't want to love him more then I do. The way I try to handicap these feelings are just a little above manageable that if I were to love him without holds...Lord, that sounds terrifying.
He's so beautiful. I never thought that before. When I first saw him I took him for a sucker - And he was, but I saw him in a different light. I thought he was a sucker because he was maybe less then average looking. That if a girl like me, dressed scantly at a hippie festival, where to approach him just right I could be a gypsy and weasel a dollar out of him. I never expected to give him a room in my heart. I never expected to be made a sucker.
He's the wind. He's a deep sea creature. I can't contain him and I can't hold him in my arms. He says such sweet things and I don't want to believe him. I feel so fake because when he tells me he thinks of me, he misses me, he wishes I was with him...I smile and laugh, thank him, and tell him the same...but never in an honest way. I do mean it when I tell him the same, but it's in the way you tell a friend - not the way it was meant to sound. I'm just so afraid of letting myself fall into him.
We have so much space between us, beyond just that of the Atlantic Ocean. We have a distance between us that is filled with booze and our past. My past. I feel so hardened by my history that I have to keep him at arms length. He says "be bold, pursue love", but I am not so bold. As to chase him? Oh...never.
We've had talks before. We've talked about our feelings and still I feel like they've gone no where. It's like by now, I just can't take him seriously. I think he knows that. He actually has to say "I'm serious" when he means it, because I take everything he says with a grain of salt.
He wants to spend his first two days back with just me, in a "swanky" hotel on him. Not just swanky, but super swanky. Because he said that, he's dominated my thoughts these last two days. Said "strangely" I've been on his mind lately.
Maybe he's just confused as I am. And while he's on another continent, he sees me in other women - the way his name appears in my head when I'm with other men.
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| No Negotiation |
[28 Nov 2009|09:31pm] |
If I wasn't so crazy, then maybe? We could go somewhere and collect the sun in our skin. We could go somewhere we've never been. Leave your footprints for me to follow. I'll bundle up my worries for tomorrow.
What's the cost of running away? I say it'd cost to much to stay. Decisions are made on bad definitions. It's a kaleidoscope blur of resilience and I think I'm faltering in my position.
Mishaps and missed steps set up shop for complete nonsense. I think I'm going to vomit.
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| Shit update |
[27 Nov 2009|03:58pm] |
Turkey. Eated.
Took a long mid day nap. Sleep was debilitating. On the busiest bar nights of the year, I was only at a bar for 1.5 hours. I saved sleep for the next day. Was so exhausted, I was crippled by sleep. At one point, I was conscious, however I could not use my body. Tried so hard to open my eyes, but not even my lids would flutter. Could not control anything, except for my breath. So I tried to breath erratically to get my sister to shake me into control of my own body. She ignored me.
Family dinner time at my aunts. I played with the kids the whole time. We made a fort in the basement and attacked each other with paper airplanes and pillows. I crawled into a box with a 3 year old and a 1 year old...and we all fit. I love those kids. We colored and played with B's new kitchen set. Baby Kyle is such a doll. He was playing with scrabble and every letter was "H". Still, even thought everything was a "H" he still spelled out "TIT". hah. There were new kids - they were married in relatives. While we were coloring, Andy drew skulls and I drew the crossbones. He drew bombs, I drew cannons. And an eye patch. For the most part, I ignored all the adults. I dislike them and because I know them - I can't respect the half-of-em. I'd rather play with kids then have to speak to those shits.
Now I have a lot of homework to catch up on. Got to pick Mitchell up from the train station at midnight. He got me a present and promises that I will be thrilled. He wants to take me to Miami for the new year. I already told him it's not in my budget, but he insist. Damn, is he in love with me or something? To be droppin' that kinda money on me...and we're not even dating. Every one of my friends that I've talked to about this say just to do it. If he insist and I've already told him I don't have the money for it...just do it. Plus, I've never been to Florida and who doesn't want to escape the cold for a sunny beach.
my sister is completely out of clothes. She insist we go shopping although I'd like to avoid the public on this horrid day. BUT I've been jonesing for a pair of new boots an my mom is dangling those over me. Guess I'll face the hoards for them. I want leather ones with big buckles. I need 'em stompin boots!
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[22 Nov 2009|04:14pm] |
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Carl Craig last night. Will sessions was good tio. Ran into lots of peoples I have not seen. To bad Brandy was laid out in bed bleeding to death. Poor girl. She wants some company, but I'm still recovering from my night. On top of that, I have zero money and just enough gas to get to a gas station. I spent all my money on booze last night. Didn't get home till 5. Had weird dreams about my sick rats who needed to be put on a diet of visceral organ meats. I've spent my first 3 waking hours pretty much doing nothing. I wish I had enough money for a movie. Maybe I'll have John go get one. I'm looking forward tonight. I've been trying to keep him out of my thoughts, but...oh well. I'll work on that next week. Anyways, guess it's time for me to eat and make some coffee...coffee usually can trigger a heavy study session.
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| Little dancer |
[20 Nov 2009|06:36pm] |
You know I'm a dreamer right? I could spend hours without blinking, as long as I had a head full of possibilities and an arm to rest my chin on, staring off into the vast expanse of my imagination. A day dream is nothing if I don't have someone to share it with. By this I don't mean vocally. I mean to incorporate these figures into my inventions. I'm easily stirred into fantasy. A glimpse of a handsome stranger, the color of a sunset, the smell of a warm home, a child's smile.
It's these kind of things that motivate my endeavors. I work harder, with a giggle and smirk, that if I distract myself for long enough the object of my daydreams will make an entrance into my life. Suppose this is the reason I put so much faith in wishes. I never let opportunities to wish upon something pass, not lightly at least. Shooting stars, shiny pennies, straw wrappers, wish bones from all sorts of birds, 11:11's. Take 'em all then sit and wait. Wait for the days all my dreams come true. That itself has been my castle in the sky.
One thing that never changes is the feeling in my gut, even if the location and scenery varies from time to time. I always know what it's like to just breath in all the things I've worked so hard for and finally exhale, just ... relaxing.
I've been steady in my resolve. I am so close to accomplishing ONE thing I set out to do. I'm ready to make new goals and cross those off my list. I am an juggernaut of ambition. It's for my ethereal exploration. I need to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can. I can fucking do it and so can you. No time to boo hoo. No time to live in the past, when things out of your control tried to hold you still. I am not this kind of person. The time for that is over and I need to look to the future. It's in the future where I have a safe haven from the demons of my past. I won't let them rule me, win my spirit. My ego won't have it. I will CRUSH them. Slaughter them and win my soul back.
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| drum roll |
[18 Nov 2009|07:19pm] |
I'm a little conflicted because John just made an appearance in my life. We broke up almost 3 years ago and now we're jumping right back (into the sac). I have a few emotions floating around this and I hate how addicting he is. I have walls thick enough to keep him out of my heart, but it finds his way into my head (among other places). There is one issue that is causing me some grief and that is the fact that he is cheating on his girlfriend - and not reluctantly either.
Should I believe that he is usually a stand up guy and the reason he cheats is because I am an exception? If the answer to that is yes, then I am apprehensive because I do not want to be back in a relationship with him. If the answer is no, does that just make him an asshole. Another question arises from that, and it follows, if you so readily cheat because you cant resist good sex, did you at any time cheat on me? To wrap it all up, do I even have the right to question him. Do I have the right to feel hurt if I learn the truth?
I dumped him. I got rid of him because he was not enough for me. Sure, you know my body better then any else does and do things to it that make it ache the next day - but that's not enough for me. Sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camels back, but you're far to undereducated for me to appreciate. It'd be wrong of me to keep him to myself just because the dick is good. I don't want him to invest his love in me, because I will only abuse it. His girlfriend can have that, I don't want it but I'm not going to argue, I might fight for the piece of him I do want. I have a feeling that if I did get into the fight, I'd win - and I'd fight dirty to do it. However, in the end my victory would not be a big one. I'd destroy everything for something not worth the fight and in the end, that sounds like a loss.
I guess the solution is to petition him for an open relationship with his girlfriend. Then, I can have the good sex I haven't had since we broke up (he agrees we're the best together) and she can provide him with real love that my cold heart lacks (he knows she really loves him).
Oh boy...this is going to be rough, in more ways then one.
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| Drawn from a hat |
[17 Nov 2009|01:19pm] |
Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stand up, without looking down and take that wrinkle out of my brow. Until then, I'll count on you to remove my hands from my eyes. To see the world in bright colored lights. Maybe then I'll smile more freely, with bliss in crystal clarity. But who really knows, if I need you at all. Could it be I deceive myself to avoid the fall?
The look in her eyes tell me to surrender worry. That look cradles my apprehension in tranquility and I know it better now. That these fears are here to drive. They serve as protective bumpers that keep me within the lanes.
Wander where there is no path. There is no time like the present to "get lost". Realize that a path has many s. Choose one, and get lost on the pathless path today.
I'm sitting in the pharm school pretending to work. At a table 10 feet away is a handsome pharm student I've been noticing since last year. He's tall, dark hair, dressed fine, always smiling. Someone I'd like to know. What is his story? Where is he going? Does he have a place in his heart for adventure? These things are important, these things keep my affection. I like to pretend. I like to pretend he notices and thinks similarly. Chances are, we'll never speak. Not even with our eyes, but it's fun to pretend. It's fun to imagine a story in his head. That he finds pleasure looking into my face and wonders about me the way I wonder about him.
I'm a silly girl. I do this all the time. But it's these little inventions that keep this pleasant smile on my face. Just to imagine the whole world is full of these beautiful strangers. That when I make up stories about them, they are drawing up a story for me.
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| Testing. Testing. 6-6-6. |
[16 Nov 2009|11:58am] |
I think it's time for a moral reality check. As much as I'd like to ignore all my ethical trespasses, I can't bring myself to do so for much longer. It only takes until the night, when I'm alone, long enough for me to stew on my actions to know what I did was wrong. Lord, I'd like to ignore so many things. The path to atonement starts with owning your sins. I must admit, I've done somethings, many things, wrong. I'm not just guilty for my actions, but it's my intentions will be what condemn me.
I know better but seldom do I act better. If I can put space between whats right and wrong, chances are I will justify the shit out of them until they some how seem less bad - arguably better. I use to live by a moral code of conduct. I've always kept the three fold law close to my heart. So when I know I did something to another that would break my heart to pieces if done to me, I begin to feed this fear within. Setting myself up for severe pain, so much that I cause my own to avoid another imposing it on me. Funny the way karma works. I've consistently been on the lookout for other people hurting me, but I've been punishing myself for years.
Still, even with all this guilt, paranoia, and sorrow - there is a big part of me that tells me I will most likely go on sinning the way I enjoy. What is so wrong with me that I don't have to will to quit hurting people. Am I really that selfish? When it comes down to it, where the hell do I keep my soul? If I didn't know, that'd be one thing. But I know better, I know I'm hurting people and myself, I know it's not worth it. Still, I continue to do it. I continue to feed the monster bits of my flesh. It's never enough, its hunger consuming. In the end will I be skin and bones, or will it want those as well?
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[15 Nov 2009|11:03pm] |
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7 times last night. Lord, did I ever need it.
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| I'm a badfish |
[14 Nov 2009|02:47pm] |
I went out with Katie and Pete yesterday. It was a long day. She buried her brother that morning. I almost didn't expect to hear from her, I understood that she had to take care of her family first. My God, Katie has so much strength in her. How one person goes on after facing so many hardships is beyond me. I really admire her, her ability to hold herself and others up in such trying times. I have so much respect for her and look to her for an example. She calls me her crazy asian, well bitch, your just as crazy and I love you for it.
Man, oh, man - we got some stories. Stories of being silly as fuck. She's pulled me back before...by the hair. lol I need things like that. I need my friends, who know how I am. I need them to get in my head and pull me out. Push me forward. My friends are my anchor, I'll be their ship. I'll forge on and bring them with me everywhere I go. My success are their success. I will share everything I have with them, because they show me the kind of love I was so afraid I'd never have.
When I got home from the bar, Jordan called me. We talked for hours. Even though he's so far away, we've gotten closer. He thanked me yesterday for being his rock. extended his appreciation and I needed to hear that. I'm going to be the babies god-mother soon. Tiff is only 6 months, so she'll be here soon. I'll be doing my rotations. It's just so heartwarming to be accepted into a family like that. I feel like Tiffany, Luke, Sean, Ambur, Jordan - these people are the family I've chosen. Found out yesterday Jordan knew what happened on Luke's birthday. Hah, god I blushed. I'm going to save up all my pennies and try to go see him as soon as december. I miss that crazy fool. Tell me, are you a badfish too?
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[11 Nov 2009|09:46am] |
I’m not sure what it was that took me back again. Not a smell or a memory, it was longer then that: a thought process perhaps. Here I am, sitting at a cluttered desk, a cup of tea, and a candle. Studying my notes for tomorrow’s exam with one hemisphere of my brain, while the other was busy being disconnected from academics. Thinking about myself when I was 10 years old. Playing in the street, in the leaves. Making new friends, fighting with the neighborhood boys. That was so far away. How could we have ever predicted anything would happen the way it did? Who would have known in a little over a decade, that our lives now had even the slightest semblance of our former selves?
I got a call late last night. A friend is dead. All at once, everything hits you like a brick. Your mind starts to travel back in time. It’s like watching a movie in rewind. I can feel the seasons sweeping past me as I can only watch the memories of years gone by and how I’m so sorry this is how it happened.
It so strange to think of someone who you’ve known for such a long time not be around anymore. Memories of being a kid, making up games in the snow on a winter morning. When we were all a little older, skipping school to smoke pot in the woods. Letting me borrow your Nintendo games. I can only imagine how your family is doing without you and I wish I could do something. If just, somehow I had the magic to go back in time and stop the course of events.
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[11 Nov 2009|12:15am] |
I want to rant and rave. I can't. I have to brush my teeth and go to sleep in a bed I finally made. These last few days have been studying hell, and I've been so busy I slept on a pile of clean sheets on top of my mattress. Like a nesting animal. Good news: I got a 93% in lab and 85% lecture for hematology. I'm going into the molecular exam with an 93%. Biochem (is scary business and I don't want to know) Mycology exam today - I feel like I did average. I have a B in the class. Lord, I need to play catch up to ace my classes (which I am fully intent on doing!).
These next few days will be busy as all hell. Davids viewing and funeral is this weekend. I'm going to drive out to see Shelly. I have to miss the 2nd lecture on virology because I have to deal with a court date. UGH.
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| Womp Womp |
[08 Nov 2009|02:00pm] |
Last night was intense. I'll have photo evidence soon. Freaks mobbed the stage, hippies on my neck, dub steppin all over that floor. I think I sprained my toe. Throwing it down hard, I was hanging off the balcony railing throwing my chest into it. Good Lord, that BASS was divine. Sweaty bodies everywhere, that crowd was collectively swimming against the beat. Making some room up there in the front meant a lot of elbows in the air. Lorin Aston, I will have your illegitimate children.
When I pulled my shirt out of my bag, it was wet. The whole back of my party pack was wet from me sweating on it all night.
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[07 Nov 2009|11:57am] |
Wishing. Wishing upon a star. Wishing results in scars. Wishing behind these bars
in a four chambered cell I lay. Moving in circles day to day. Wishing I that had just stayed away.
Cycles round the way cycles go. Most times truth never shows. My heavy heart beating cold.
Wishing is a worthless thing. Actions become just the same. Curse the day I spoke your name.
Last night I went out and saw all my girls. I had a grand welcoming. I didn't expect to see all the other girls, but I walked in and three people from different directions of the room started screaming my name and jumped up to embrace me. How sweet it is to be so loved. It really is important to me how much my friends care about me. It's like all these battered emotions I have saved up from bad romantic experiences can just be up and removed. Replaced by a love that is deeper and more honest. I love that my friends are so fond of me.
Yeah, don't mind my poems. They don't reflect on anything happening now. They're just feelings I have stored somewhere in my psyche, of feelings I've once felt. Afraid I'll just project them into things happening now. My therapist tells me not to do that, but he tells me everyone does. It's how we are wired, but we must first be aware we are doing it. It helps alleviate symptoms. It has - very much. I feel...healthy. Happy. Finally, I feel a sense of freedom from myself. It's great, but I still have demons to battle. There are roads I've not even revealed to him yet. I'm not ready to face it. It's something I'm so ashamed of I can't bring myself to manifest them in words. I can't...talk about it. I'm so ashamed. It's haunted me for years and years, hoping that we could all just forget it happened. Especially in a child's mind, perception is hard to come to terms with. Hopefully, one day we'll get there. I doubt I'll ever lose the need to see a doctor, but I'm okay with that.
I made a new friend I'm very fond of. She's fucking crazy, but...crazy bitches have more fun. The things she deals with, I see in myself. I'm getting past them and I hope she can do. I owe my therapist a lot, he's helped me more then he knows. Well...i'm sure he knows.
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[05 Nov 2009|12:12pm] |
Things move fast in life. One minute you drowning in an ocean of regret and the next you're standing on the shore of achievement. Don't I wish more then anything just to pause the good moments. Just to be able to revel in the minor successes, since those move faster then the speed of sound. That's what good friends and family are for. They keep these moments, so precious to you, for the times when you need to hear them. I'm constantly amazed at the love there out there, in the endless universe, for me. There REALLY are people out there that love me so deeply, I struggle to fathom it. In this way I am so blessed and that trumps all things.
I'm a little surprised at how interested he is in me. He does things and I know I've been on his mind. Still, I won't let him in. He can just collect on the superficial scrapings I pass out, but he'll won't get a taste of the real person underneath the walls. I'm afraid to let him, anyone for that matter, in. Been burned so badly the fire scares me. It's a shame I won't be able to feel wholly, but what can you do when you're so jaded? Sit Adorned I suppose. One day I'll be able to trust someone with my heart. The day is not today and I won't see my therapist until next week.
I try not to hate anymore. Now when they mention his name, I don't flinch anymore. I don't want to kill him and I try not to hate him. In all honesty, I still hate him. I still wish a world of misfortune on him. The truth is, I don't have to do anything for that to happen. He is such a sick person (mentally, spiritually, and physically) that he alone will bring upon himself more damage then I could ever do. I was only ever good to him but he twist the story around and makes me sound like the evil one. The rapist is the hero and the lady is the tramp. That's how the story goes. But let me tell you something sir, heaven knows. Tall tales won't reach the gates and you won't be ascending the stairs. Your soul is dammed and your flesh will burn. You'll never love because your heart is blank. And because of that, no one will ever love you more deeply then a piece of plastic.
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[04 Nov 2009|04:33pm] |
So as much as I was starstruck by the Ann Arbor health systems labs, I've already sold my soul to Detroit. I put in my top choices and soon I will find out where I'll be interning next semester. After class I ran into Justin so we stopped and chatted a bit about all things clinical. He liked Henry Ford, he works in their blood bank. He got a job on the midnight shift. Said all 5 of the interns were offered a job, only one did not take it and that's because she went directly into grad school.
To put it bluntly, everyone is ready to eat each other over a clinical rotation. If Ann Arbor (which was my second choice) only takes one, they'll take Danyell. Heidi and Jeff don't want Henry Ford as their 1st choice. Hamdan is not a noteworthy competitor. Nida and Belquis both want Oakwood. Amabell will take a small hospital, Garden City or St. Mary, most likely Fatma will too. So who else? I'm not worried about any of the 3 remaining guys. Then again, Henry Ford takes 5 students. If Sara and I get it, then there is still room for three more.
I'm not panicking. I'm going to get into Henry Ford. I am confident. There is no reason not to give it to me. Besides, Garza loves me. And I don't live up Brown's ass like Annett tries to. Lord, she annoys me. She's a perpetual failure. How do you get a masters in biological science and still end up working retail - part time. It's because she sucks. She'd suck the professors cock if only they had one. Dumb cunt, I will smash your face and skull fuck you. If you fucking try to get in my way I will use your eye sockets as ashtrays. Fuck with me and might as well be fucking yourself.
Whooooa. Gotta get that out. Point in case, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to work in a big lab. My awesome people skills will get me places and open doors. I already have a foot in a few places because, well it's face it, I'm the fucking shit and I will dominate this bitch. That glass ceiling is getting shattered by the brute force of my forehead. I will divide and conquer, pillage and plunder. I'll take the road less trodden upon and pave it in gold. If I have to pave it with blood, bones, and tears - Lord help me they'll be yours.
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