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| 05:00am 07/11/2009 |
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AAAAGH IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING!!!! |
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| 06:18pm 10/10/2009 |
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Wowiezowie. Long day, and getting longer. Feel like writing just to have a minute to breathe. I did get to sleep in, since it's Saturday. Spent all day doing homework, though. Just got back from watching a trippy German movie, too, so my brain is scrambled. It was this really bizarre 70s romance: Woman meets man, man and woman fall in love (normal so far, and then-), woman gets obsessive and drives off man, man breaks up with woman, woman proposes marriage to random old dude, man gets jealous and gets stalkerish, woman takes back man and he moves in with her. Then she dies in childbirth. 0.o Throw in the man's bizarre first marriage and the crazy drug-induced cinematography, and the movie makes even less sense. Can't wait to see what kind of political meaning Frau Piesche finds in this madness.
Still have to do archaeology work from Thursday because I spent most of the week being confused by the syllabus that the teacher decided to revise and then not follow. I was supposed to go to Storm King, this epic outdoor art exhibit, but had to cancel so as to do homework. Really I should cancel rollerblading with VT as well, but I feel bad canceling all my plans for the day. And if VT is DJing, it'll be as close to a dance party as I've been in a long time. I'm going crazy from lack of physical activity. I ought to take up a sport or something. I've got all this nervous unused physical energy and it's driving me nuts. |
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| 01:23am 05/10/2009 |
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I find it really odd that we know each other well enough to be great Apples-to-Apples partners, but when I get upset, he doesn't know enough about me to know all he has to do is give me a hug and a kiss, and I don't know him well enough to figure out why he won't. This is a consistent problem. This happens every time he's not in the mood to do cuddly stuff. I can totally understand not being in the mood to be too physical. I understand that entirely. Happens to me too. But I'm always in the mood for a kiss. That's a totally different thing. It's an innocent show of affection.
And that's all I really want, that I get upset about not getting. I really need affection. Kissing, hand-holding, playing with hair, back massages. Lying next to each other is really nice, but that's so passive; I prefer something active. I get very anxious when he says he loves me but then doesn't hug or kiss me. It feels like a lie, even if I know it's not. |
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| 01:53am 21/09/2009 |
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It's nearly two in the morning. Just came back from game. Not quite as exciting as last year, but it'll pick up, I'm sure. It's a very epic setting. I worry that my character overlaps too much with Foster's, because we both play very charismatic characters.
It's cold. I wonder what Trey's doing. I tried to call, but he didn't pick up. Maybe he's asleep. I was hoping he might be up late, since he often is when he's with his friends. I worry sometimes that maybe he doesn't call because he's met someone else. This is not my greatest worry, but it does occur to me sometimes in these idle moments when I'm wishing he was here and wondering what he's doing. I had a terrible nightmare about it some time ago, during the week that he wouldn't talk to me. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I don't remember most of them so much. My waking mind does a decent job of purging thoughts I don't want to hang on to. I really just want a hug. I'm really grateful that I'm being invited to take part in rpgs and Rocky Horror, but it's harder to enjoy such things when I'm missing Trey all the time. Kiwi called me today, for the first time in a while. She's met some really nice guy that she's really attracted to. Good for her. I'm glad she seems to have met someone that's not just trying to get in her pants for once. I'm really jealous though, that her guy goes to the same school, so she can see him as often as she cares to. I wish my relationship could be like that. It's really hard for me to watch Mickey and Sonia cuddling during game. I want to be held. Lately I feel farther away from him than when he was in military training. Maybe he'll surprise me and tell me he's going to make time to come see me for a bit. I would love that.
Mm, I want to hug him close and be nice and warm. Maybe play at being sexy a little bit, but mostly just to sit together and play video games and talk about random nerdy things. |
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| 01:10am 14/09/2009 |
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I don't know what to do for him. He doesn't want my reassurances. Maybe he didn't hear anything about the landscaping job and is upset about that? I can't force him to be positive, but a little positivity is obviously what he needs. I tell him I believe in him. I do. But apparently it doesn't matter to him. I guess all I can do is be here for him. I can't change his mind for him and magically poof him into being confident about his future. I wish I could do something, anything, that would make him cheer up a bit. He doesn't seem to want my cheering up for now though...
Yeah, I don't know what's going on in your brain. No one can get into anyone else's brain. It doesn't work like that. I frequently have very little idea what's going on with you, because the minute I reach out to help, you draw back and tell me I can't possibly understand. And maybe I can't. Because I like myself too much to think self-destructive thoughts. And because I care enough about the people around me not to worry myself to the point that I worry them.
And "The more I try, the more I mess it up"? What does that mean? I sure don't know about any recent mess-ups. Maybe you've been solving your problems by taking mafia hit jobs and you didn't tell me?
AAAAAAARGH! |
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| 08:38am 09/09/2009 |
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Look, it's been a week now. I miss you and I don't want to lose you, but every time we don't communicate for a long stretch like this, I feel like I'm losing you and it bothers me, okay? |
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| 02:45pm 08/09/2009 |
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Look, if you're not interested in me anymore, just say so. I extremely dislike being ignored. If you continue to ignore me entirely for another week, I will assume you are no longer interested. I know you don't have your phone and you're busy helping your mom, but I also can see that you've been online, so I know you have internet and are choosing to not talk to me after you've said you would. If you are too busy to so much as poke me on Facebook, then maybe you don't care enough. |
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| 10:21pm 07/09/2009 |
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Hey, where'd you go? You said you'd talk to me online since you didn't have your phone. It's been five days since then, and we only talked for all of five minutes then. I miss you. I know you're really busy, but it's hard for me to do this long-distance thing when we don't talk for so long.
Back to normal journaling:
I got a rug today. My mom kind of conned me into getting an expensive rug that wasn't really that great, but it is nice to not walk on a bare floor now. It was fun to go to Lake Compounce again with so many people. Sonia, Kyle, Mason, Squackie, Jung Wu, Phil. I wish Phil and I didn't always have such different taste in music. He keeps giving me cds that I don't really listen to, and then when I find something of his that I do like, but that he's not too excited about, he won't give it to me. He won't take cds of my music, either, like he's allowed to convert me to his music and I'm not allowed to try to convert him to mine. Blah. Once I have my license, at least I'll be able to dictate what music we listen to when driving around. I like Muse and Dream Theater as much as the next person, but not all day. Oh man! But the craziest thing happened as we were leaving! There was this kid wearing girly clothes walking with his two girl friends in front of us, and some jerks behind us started booing and calling the kid a "homo," among other things. So Phil turns around and yells, "Shut up!" And one of the jerks says, "We weren't talking to you!" And Phil says, "I don't care!" So the jerks are quiet, and one of the girls walking with the kid says something about how cool that was. It was both scary and mad impressive. Gah. Okay, back to homework. |
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| 11:06pm 03/09/2009 |
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I wonder how often he thinks about me and wonders what I'm up to. My every third thought is of him. I wake up wishing he were beside me. Have breakfast and think how he's probably still dead asleep. Go to class and wonder if he's moving furniture or playing games. Run to my room to see if he's left any messages. Wait for him to call me. Give up and play games on the computer. Go out with friends. Do homework. Stare at my computer screen waiting for a little while. Give up. Go to sleep. Repeat. It was nice to go out today for a walk with Katie and Megan. I flattered that both of them like me enough to want to live with me senior year, that I'm part of the core trio. Talked to Phil for a little while. He always has something new that he's excited about.
Le sigh. I feel very unimportant to Trey. Not that he has to obsess about me. But I wish he would want to talk to me at least as often as my friends do. I wish I could see him everyday, do normal casual things like eat meals and do homework together, go to dances. I really want to dance with him. I wish he liked dancing. Not even silly sexy dancing, just regular moving around dancing, having fun. I'm going to the Shiva Rave Saturday night. It's always fun. I wish more people I know would go. |
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| First Day and a Fridge |
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| 07:41pm 31/08/2009 |
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Mm, Monday night. I hope he calls me.
I'm going home already this weekend because Phil has some leftover Lake Compounce ticket that's going to expire by next Monday, so he needs someone to go with. I don't know how fun it'll be, since I've been there so recently, but it'll be nice to go hang out with Phil for a bit and then spend some time at home, since I didn't get to see my dad before I left. I'm sort of putting off going to dinner right now, because I'd like to be antisocial today and eat alone rather than run into awkwardly friendly acquaintances who don't actually want to be friends. I seem to have a lot of those here. I just don't have the stamina at the end of the day to be sociable with people I don't know well and feel nervous about.
Walking around campus makes me miss Trey and my friends from home. The weather is so nice lately, and campus is so pleasant; I want someone to share it with. I got my fridge/microwave today too. It was like Christmas! A big package for me right outside my door! I feel bad for the people that had to drag up for floors. My room is enormous now that I've gotten it all organized. I have so much empty space I don't know what to do with. Mom says she'll buy me a rug to make it a little homier and hide the empty space. Nothing fancy, I hope.
Nothing too exciting in terms of classes today, but I have four tomorrow, so that'll be much more eventful. I'm already thinking of putting off German homework for tomorrow night. I'm really tempted to go to sleep early. We'll see. I shouldn't start bad habits on the first day of class. ^.^;; |
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| 10:43pm 28/08/2009 |
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I guess I'm heading off for school tomorrow. I wish I had a little more time to spend with Phil and Kiwi, but my last week got eaten up by preparing for Jung Wu. He says his name with a very distinctive accent, so I feel like I've mispronounced it every time I try to say it. Sort of a Jzjung Wo(u). Or something like that. Seems like a nice kid. He's apparently very nervous- his left eye twitches whenever we talk to him. I wish I had more opportunity to talk to him about himself and Korea, but I feel bad talking to him for too long, because his eye starts to twitch. The house is a disaster, of course, but at least the disaster is now limited to just two rooms. Once we get the fake closets put together we should have some storage space for all the clothes, at least. I'm still a little weirded out about not having a room anymore. After sawing off the top of the bed from the room over the garage, we did manage to fit it through my door and swap it with my bed okay. The only things in my room that reflect me at all now are the two large bookshelves, each shelf two rows deep, with stuffed animals sitting on every book. Everything else is bare. Clean, I suppose I should say. I'm not allowed in, of course, even though I forgot a few things I wanted from the bookshelves.
I wish I knew what I was doing. Every few days I get a funny attack of existentialism. I've got it under control, of course- I mastered my depression years ago when I learned my triggers and disciplined myself into more positive thinking. But I still worry sometimes about the meaninglessness of things. Sometimes I wonder if we've advanced too far (or not enough?), that we no longer are driven by need to get up and act for survival. So much more of man's time is spent these days in whittling away unneeded time. Facebook, video games, movies, the internet. No one says, "I'm bored, let's make a lemonade stand. If we don't make any money, at least we'll have lemonade." I'm just as guilty. I sit around doing nothing quite often. Movies these days keep showing the end of the world. It's like we're in shock that we've lasted so long, that nothing has happened yet to kick us in the pants. We're due for another ice age in a couple thousand years, but that's not much to worry about right now. What am I doing going to college, making my dad worry about money? What is it for? I'll be dead in about 60 years, give or take. I hate money. Dang. I forgot I had promised to call Lishy. Well, too late now, I guess. She'd probably be up, but both our brains are probably checked out at this hour. I'm not really in the mood for nonsense, or for debating whether swearing is okay or not. I'm really tired of that argument. I feel like a fake, being at Vassar. Pretending I'm someone smart. My dog's teeth are rotting and we have to wait for a check to come so we can take her to the vet. If it were my teeth, we'd charge it on a credit card, or put off buying something. But my dog doesn't matter. Why?
Clearly, my brain is starting to melt. I'm ranting stupidly about nothing. I hope Trey is okay. I was hoping he might call, since he's often allowed to make phone calls at night when he's at drill. My mom wants me to yell at him and tell him to get a job and start applying to school already. I can't even hint such things to him or he gets upset with me, though. I wish I understood him. I've made myself an open book to him, but I can't tell how he's feeling when he's right in front of me. I feel like an idiot. A useless idiot. I don't understand what he expects of me. He must value me, because he says so, and because he drives miles to see me and spend time with me. When I see Chiara, she expects me to talk and to listen, to pose for pictures and be enthusiastic about finding silly things to do together. Phil expects the same. I don't know what Trey wants me to do. Be excited to see him and then leave him alone, I guess. Blah. I miss him. I do notice when he pays attention to me. I love it. I love when he plays with my hair, or holds my hand as we're walking around. I love when I can do something for him, too, to make him smile.
I can never get enough of his attention. I guess I'm a little greedy about that. I always want a little more snuggling, a little more kissing or hair-petting. I guess it's silly. This whole entry has been silly. I hope nobody reads it. Too much complaining. Needs more cowbell. |
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| 04:37pm 24/08/2009 |
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I couldn't get him to kiss me. The whole time. It makes me sad. Okay, I'm also sad because he left. But it's worse because he doesn't kiss me unless he's leaving or unless we're doing more. Really, I'd be okay if we replaced all the sessions of "more" with just some making out. Probably a lot less painful and a lot more romantic. I kept trying to get a real kiss as he was leaving, the one time I can usually get a kiss out of him. Nope. Couple of light pecks and he's gone. I don't get it. I love him, I do. It's like the sun goes out every time he leaves. That's probably why I sound like an idiot right now. Can't think straight where he's concerned. I hope he'll be all right. He worries me. |
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| 09:21pm 14/07/2009 |
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I miss you. That's all. I thought about calling or texting, but I didn't want to spam you since texting costs money. I hope my boss doesn't ask me to come in Friday, so I can run away with you Thursday. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see the apartment and the iguana, and drag you to the concert and maybe a movie. ^.^ |
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| 11:42am 04/07/2009 |
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I'm so tired of being alone all day, every day. My uncle kind of scares me, so it's just as well that he ignores me. My aunt is nice, but for the life of us we can't find anything in common to talk about ever. I've tried to tell her, and other people I trust, that I'm not feeling great because there's no one I can relate to here. My friends, if I get in touch with them, just say "aw, that's too bad" and then don't talk to me again for a week, so that hasn't been much reassurance. I can't really go do anything fun, because I barely have money to commute for my job, and I hate to take hundreds of dollars from my mother every time I see her. Trey's still mad at me for caring about him. Whatever. My mom tells me he's probably fine unless he gets arthritic symptoms, because those kick in even after the rash disappears, so at least I can probably stop worrying about him actually being sick. I just wish he hadn't dismissed me so easily when I was obviously so upset, about that and other things. I got one birthday present this year, and that was a last-minute gift from my boss. Kiwi sent me a super-long text message, and Phil dropped his plans with other friends to spend the whole weekend with me. But my boyfriend didn't reach me in any way and then never felt like explaining why? Did he just forget? I wish he wanted something from me, so I could give it to him. But he pushes me away when I try to kiss him. Doesn't pick up the phone when I call if he's with other people. (Is he embarassed by me?) Doesn't ask for anything. Doesn't make any attempt to reach me for days at a time. These things really hurt me. It makes it hard to believe him when he says he misses me. I try to give him space when it seems like he needs it, not that he tells me when that is. I always pick up the phone when he calls, no matter where I am. When I gave him presents for graduation, he said he felt like "a dog being rewarded for doing a good job." Can't I kiss him because I like to make him smile? Can't I give him a present because I hope he would like it?
Maybe I'll take those physics dvds at home that Mr. Angle had lent me. I miss feeling smart, and busy. Maybe Trey would watch them too, sometime. |
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| 09:51pm 29/06/2009 |
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Really? Did you stop getting text messages or do you really not care? I've been shaking all day. |
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| 10:16pm 24/06/2009 |
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Oh boy. Wasted so much time on Facebook once I got home. BTW, this picture does nothing to dissuade my vampire fetish: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=435808&id=508841877#/photo.php?pid=5984&id=508841877
Anyway. =^.^;;= Speaking of vampires, True Blood has started again. It's interesting. Lafayette is probably going to become a vampire. Bill Compton is of course having trouble babysitting his new fledging vampire, and Sookie is no help. Maybe you don't care. I have tomorrow (Thursday) off, so feel free to call whenever. I'm going to try to stay up tonight and maybe catch you. We'll see. Not that I have lots to tell you, I guess. I just miss your voice. |
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| 11:00am 24/06/2009 |
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Hey, I miss you. Hope you're doing okay. I would love a hug. I keep thinking about how you squeeze me tight until I can't breathe, and growl in my ear possessively, kissing me a little. (Not that you ever let me kiss you back! XP ) Haha, I hope I see you soon. I wish you would go to the hospital about your Lyme disease. It's only going to get more expensive the longer you wait, because you'll require more antibiotics. As it is, you'll likely be put on a four-week regimen of antibiotics at least and have to go the hospital every week. I can't stand to think of you getting sicker and sicker and no one caring, just because the symptoms aren't so bad yet. Ah, whatever. You're not going to listen to me about that anyway. :-/
Anyway, I should get back to work. Maybe I'll talk to you on the phone sometime today. Hope you're having fun with your job. I do miss you. |
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| 11:14am 21/06/2009 |
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You know, Blurty has a little program you can download and type entries into, so you don't have to go through the hassle of going through a web browser and logging in. Just a thought.
Also- you might want to ask, but I was told that medical insurances don't usually cover preexisting conditions, so I don't know if the military insurance you were thinking of will help with your leg or not. I mean, you probably want to have insurance anyway, but the thought worried me a little.
Anyway, I should be on my way to work soon. Hope you're having fun, whatever you're doing today. I miss you. Maybe I'll hear from you later. |
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| Grouchy. ow. |
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| 05:54am 20/06/2009 |
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5:30 AM and still in pain. Lovely. At least it's my legs and not my stomach now. I'm still a little bothered that he won't call me just because his friends show up late afternoon and keep him til late at night, which is apparently the only time he's awake to talk to people. My friends are used to me making five-minute phone calls in the midst of hang-out time, and they respect that. At least a call to say, "Hey, can't talk, but I didn't forget that I promised to call." Maybe I shouldn't have, if it didn't mean anything. His being busy really wouldn't be so bad, except that I keep indicating that I'm miserable and need to talk to someone, and that doesn't seem to affect anything. I've talked to Kiwi once or twice, being really upset about this whole move to Long Island, and now she's mad at Trey for not caring too. I mean, really? "I'm too busy hanging out with my friends and having fun to talk to you?" Not being a morning person includes from wakeup at 9 or 10 til 3 o'clock when people arrive? Even when I'm there in his face? Maybe Kiwi will call tomorrow and I'll be able to think of cheerful things.
If you like, don't pay any attention to this. It's almost 6 AM now, my legs are on fire despite months of this stupid medication, and I'm 200% grouchy. I need a little love, or attention, or something. This is way worse than college. At least there are people at college. None of this would be so bad if it was short-term, but I'm anticipating two months of being here, and at least two or three weeks before I can see anybody else, be it Trey or just my parents. And my birthday is in a week. Whatever. Now I'm just whining. |
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