| The Night Cleaner |
|
|
| 11:17pm 14/12/2009 |
| |
I have this picture on my wall that I found and put up recently. It's called "The Night Cleaner," and it's Jesus and a sponge and a bucket of suds, as he scrubs his black and white tiled floor in the dark. And I was wondering, how much of a metaphor that is for life, or a kind of life. Sometimes being a good person feels like being the night cleaner. You can't spend too much time with any one tile, or they get damaged. Or, rather, with people, they get sick of you, or feel awkward about letting you get so close. The best you can do is clean as many tiles as you can, spread as much of your joy and friendship as you can, even if it's only as thinly as they let you. Quantity doesn't mean anything, of course, because what you really want is the quality you can never have. You're not allowed to get that close, and if you try, someone or something breaks. No two people can ever really live inside each other's heads. But being the night cleaner, maybe that's the best you can do; selflessly give and be happy, just seeing what a nice clean floor you've got as a whole at the end of the night. Maybe a hundred people a little bit happier is an okay job. And who was I ever kidding, with my dreams of grandeur. I'm not the paintings on the ceiling or the tapestries on the wall of this cathedral I'm cleaning. I don't get to be remembered and revered that way. Probably not. I have some talents, but even if I do, they would need cultivation first, experience.
No, but even art and ideas have impermanence. And I don't know what I want, or what I want to be. I don't know what I find worthwhile or admirable or fulfilling. But the night cleaner, lonely and self-sacrificing. I don't know that I could do that, or if I would choose that life. I want- I want my existence to be justified somehow. Maybe the only real way to do that is self-sacrifice. But I want something for myself too, something to make me feel that I am important. Perhaps it means I'm selfish. Phil said I am only human, too human, that I fear loneliness so much. But maybe I'm just as guilty of pushing people away as Trey is, though in very different ways. I am dissatisfied, always. The points I make are logically justified, when I list misfortunes and say they are bad. But to some extent it is also in my nature to be unhappy, I think, and I fear I shall die one day with this same longing in my heart, feeling that I am missing something important, not knowing what, having maybe done the harm to myself, having pushed away the missing something without recognizing I'd done it.
No I want to be happy. Trey said, do what makes you happy. But I don't know what will ever make me happy. Sure, I have specific things I wish Trey would do differently, but I know from experience that I can also be unhappy when things should be fine. Unless there's something I'm forgetting or never noticed. I should have been happy when I was with Phil, years ago, but I wasn't. I couldn't see why I deserved to be happy, and so I made myself unhappy. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that one day, I'll have something really perfect, that could be really long-lasting with someone, maybe Trey, maybe not, and I'll ruin it by wanting too much, by seeing every fault in the relationship and in my partner as something wrong with myself, by turning something good into an unnecessary pity party.
Yes, it's logical for me to push away someone who might not be husband material, if he can't go to school or get a job. But it hurts, especially not knowing what kind of doors I may have closed.
In The Razor's Edge, there are two major characters. Elliot is materialistic, living superficially, gaining satisfaction from being in high society. Larry is a dreamer, who leaves high society to work in coal mines, read Spinoza, and travel to India, living on pennies a day. And both have their merits. Somerset Maugham paints them such that you can sympathize with both. Both find satisfaction in what they do. I spent much of high school trying to convince myself that Elliot's life in society was just as good. After all- both men were equally lonely. Larry's way is perhaps more selfish- he leaves for his own gain. Elliot keeps himself satisfied by being a good host, and making sure people have a good time. But Elliot's death is tragic- he is quickly forgotten by those he has been kind to. Larry is remembered by no one, but it does not matter to him. More than dying, he just sort of fades away into oblivion. There is some Elliot and Larry in everyone, I think. You want to do right and sacrifice for others, but you want to find spiritual meaningfulness for yourself somehow too. I don't know what this means for me, except perhaps that my thoughts here seem to indicate I want more spiritual depth in my life and don't know where to find it, since it is not forthcoming from other people, the way it occasionally was in my past. Perhaps it indicates that I need to expect less attention from other people, that I should learn that no one wants to know me as deeply as I want to know them. That no one else offers themselves up as an open book, the way I do, waiting for someone to read them. Would that I could trade that kind of knowledge with Trey, or with anyone. Maybe I hide secrets from the world, but if I do, I do not know them myself. And for my part, I think I know a great deal about myself. It is a strength, something to always improve upon, something I admire in others.
I like people. I am probably not good at expressing it, because somehow I have few friends, and even those do not depend on me. I wish that they would. I wish we could all depend on each other, see one another, love one another, all people as friends everywhere.
I can't ask Trey the things I want to ask him. I can't ask him if he loves me, if he would ever want me. I can't ask him how much I've hurt him. I can't ask what he's feeling right now, what he thinks of the situation.
He has no job, he hasn't applied to college on time. If he stays this slow his whole life, we'll never get along. It's not fair for me to love him if it will only make both of us miserable. It's selfish for me to want him back if it might only hurt him in the future.
The cynic in me says that sounds corny and trite, but it feels true. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. Like Phil and Kiwi have both said in their own kindly ways, maybe he's better off without me. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:49am 14/12/2009 |
| |
I can't believe he's so okay with this. Hell, I'm taking it worse than he is, as far as I can tell. Not that that means anything, I guess. I'm the last person he'd open up to now. What the fuck, come on Jenn, this isn't Twilight. So plan 2 was a no-go. Now get on with your life. He'll find some hot chick, the way he always does, and he'll be fine. And you can sit pretty and concentrate on your robots and brains and shit. Commit to something once in a while. It's done. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:11am 14/12/2009 |
| |
blah. argh. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:31pm 13/12/2009 |
| |
Aaaah, hate myself. Try not to think about it. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 08:41pm 12/12/2009 |
| |
Part of me wants you to call me, and say, "I just sent four applications to colleges, and got a job at a McDonald's to make ends meet until I get a better job! I'll do anything to keep you, please forgive me. I'll take you out dancing, and hold you close and whisper in your ears how much you mean to me. I'm busy now, but I promise I'll come see you the first chance I get. I can't wait to see you. I've been playing my guitar, too, and I have a lot of musician's block, but I'm just going to keep jamming until I hear something I like. I've been working so hard. Have you seen this funny video? ..."
But you don't do any of those things. And I shouldn't love you for what I wish you were, or how you used to be.
You flipped out when I asked you what you were going to write a college essay about, for goodness sake. You don't want to talk about your achievements, about what hardships have made you stronger? Are you really so incapable of honest, positive self-reflection?
Every time I want to hurt myself I read those letters, and wonder what happened between then and now. I want so badly to be with the boy who wrote those letters, the one who complained and worked hard and got good scores, and communicated how he loved me so much he wanted to keep me forever.
Almost two years of dating, and all I know about you is that you don't want me to know who you are. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:46am 10/12/2009 |
| |
Can you make me feel like a star
Can you make me shake and scream
Can you make me beg now baby
Can I leave you loving me?
Can you make me lose my mind
Can you tease me
Can you make me wanna dream
Can you please me?
-Scream, Starkillers
Yay, dancing... Ah, but I could have danced hours more. I wish I could've finished that paper sooner and gone earlier. But still. got good exercise. Even ran into John and Marissa for five minutes at the end there. Spent most of the night dancing alone, but whatever. To hell with all the men on the planet that won't dance with me. I wanted to dance and dance and dance and dance until I passed out on the floor... Ah, someday. Someday someone will want to dance with me. Maybe even Trey. I don't think I'll survive if I'm not allowed to dance with other people if Trey won't. Well, I don't sexy dance, but it still would feel weird to be smiley and flirty at some loser when I really want my boyfriend. Hmmm... well whatever. Time for sleep. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 09:29pm 30/11/2009 |
| |
I'm so tired. Not even physically tired, just mentally. I'm bored; I feel like I should do something but I can't stand to do anything. I've been doing homework for a few hours, but I was feeling pretty burned out even before that. Just the thought of all the archaeology work I have to do this week is killing me. I keep thinking of doing fun things that I should have thought of before, wondering why I never thought of them. Like building a blanket fort in my room. I could do it. It would be amazing, and I could sleep in it the whole year. I'd do it if I didn't feel like I'm not supposed to have fun while I have homework hanging over my head. So instead, to procrastinate, I sit and stare at the floor, wondering what to do next, wondering how I might best motivate myself to finish this timeline, then the next, then write ten pages on it. Maybe the ten pages won't be bad. It's going to be a creative narrative, albeit a very historical one. I've done a lot of work this weekend and today. I've put in a good dent, but there's still so much. I feel stupid sitting here having a pity party, but I can't make myself move. Tried to call Phil. Wasn't there. Might have helped. Oh well.
I really wish people would stop dying and being sick. My older sister's fragility scares me. She's still young and has lots to live for, but she still makes me worry, being so sick all the time. Everyone is sick these days. Hmm. I wish Trey would call. Heck, I wish anyone would call.
Edit: I feel trapped. That's what it is. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:30pm 29/11/2009 |
| |
Wow, so as much as I hate the Twilight series, I think I'm still, on the most superficial level, for team Edward. Whew. Yeah, the Native American dudes are pretty hot with their long, dark hair and cute angular faces, but those muscles are such a turn-off. And then when vamp-boy throws off the cape to walk into the sun... whew. Not too much muscle, just that marble white skin. Okay. Mm, actually reminds me of Trey when I first met him, a little bit. So pale... Okay. I should shut up now. Just needed to vent some girliness, and it would've been embarassing to do so on Facebook.
Well, at least I got a lot of work done last night. Still so much left to do. I have an Archaeo paper due in a week and a half, with milestones to finish before that, plus I have to get my act together for this presentation Tuesday. At least the German's mostly all cleaned up now. Fortunately I don't have to think about Metaphysics at all until study week, since my professor is awesome and has given us a super-late due date. So, if I survive Tuesday, then get my paper done for Archaeo, things should be okay. Gah. What a weird life. Work, eat, sleep, interrupted at intervals by my libido shouting, "Me too! Me too!" to which I have to answer "Not now, fool!" Yeesh. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:10am 24/11/2009 |
| |
Feh, he probably doesn't even read this anymore. Just as well. I really ought to write and think of other things. Thinking about him just gets me mad, and it's hard to clear my head. I'm getting really tired of his apathy. It's really draining. For God's sake, I have better things to do than yell at him to go to school. I'm not his mom. I'm just his girlfriend that wants something more out of a prospective life mate. Sure, it's probably not fair that I started dating him under the assumption that he would change. I started dating him based on some implicit trust that I felt instinctively, sensing that he was a good person. But I thought he'd go to school, like everyone else, and we'd both be learning. He said so. A year and a half later and instead he's become the last person I would have looked at. He doesn't talk to me unless I tell him to, doesn't care about any of the things I care about. I can't say I care about most of the things he seems to care about either. When I talk to all my other friends, we talk in specific detail about what we're doing and how hard we're working, and how nice it will be to have a break. Trey is like a black box. I have to work so hard to get anything out of him, any idea what he's thinking or working on. I'm ranting here because I can't talk to him. It just doesn't work. He doesn't respond to criticism, except to register an "okay" if I'm lucky, and he doesn't have the patience to explain his side of things. Am I in love with him, or in love with the idea of what he might be? Am I waiting for him to be something he won't ever be? Am I doing something wrong? Does he actually want or need me? What for? He won't say. He drives two hours to see me, just to play video games and mysteriously not talk. Why? He says it's because I complain too much. How much of that is just joking? But why would he even listen to my complaining if he doesn't care? He must care. But I don't know why or how.
[Section deleted] |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:27pm 22/11/2009 |
| |
Nothing I do here interests me right now. I really want some Legos. Might be nice to just sit down and fiddle imaginatively with some Legos. Build a little spaceship, or a little house, or a killer robot or something. Do something with my hands. Do something that doesn't come with rules. I'm sick of playing games and reading books and watching TV online and doing homework, because everything is so linear and predictable. I don't want to deal with any of this right now. I really miss working in the ukulele factory. Just put the ukuleles together and think quietly about whatever I want. The same task, over and over again, vital but simple.
Wonder what Trey's doing. I texted him and called him, but no response. Hopefully he's not dead. Had a long talk about things with Megan today. No real answers. What do I know. I have half a page left to write, but I can't bring myself to write it yet because it requires me to exhaustively go over an article that doesn't make sense. I don't know why Trey hasn't applied to college yet. He doesn't even have to fill out a FAFSA or anything, just fill out the CommonApp and ship it off to as many places as he likes. It's not that hard, but I'm afraid January will pass, and he'll spend another year in and out of odd jobs. Then I'll graduate and be left with an uneducated boyfriend who can't get a job and can't carry on an academic conversation. I know he says that's his worst nightmare, but he seems much more concerned about getting a short-term job than about getting long-term academic goals lined up. Maybe I'm wrong. But he doesn't tell me what he's doing, so I have no idea what he does with his time or how he's progressing in his goals. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 05:00am 07/11/2009 |
| |
AAAAGH IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING!!!! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:18pm 10/10/2009 |
| |
Wowiezowie. Long day, and getting longer. Feel like writing just to have a minute to breathe. I did get to sleep in, since it's Saturday. Spent all day doing homework, though. Just got back from watching a trippy German movie, too, so my brain is scrambled. It was this really bizarre 70s romance: Woman meets man, man and woman fall in love (normal so far, and then-), woman gets obsessive and drives off man, man breaks up with woman, woman proposes marriage to random old dude, man gets jealous and gets stalkerish, woman takes back man and he moves in with her. Then she dies in childbirth. 0.o Throw in the man's bizarre first marriage and the crazy drug-induced cinematography, and the movie makes even less sense. Can't wait to see what kind of political meaning Frau Piesche finds in this madness.
Still have to do archaeology work from Thursday because I spent most of the week being confused by the syllabus that the teacher decided to revise and then not follow. I was supposed to go to Storm King, this epic outdoor art exhibit, but had to cancel so as to do homework. Really I should cancel rollerblading with VT as well, but I feel bad canceling all my plans for the day. And if VT is DJing, it'll be as close to a dance party as I've been in a long time. I'm going crazy from lack of physical activity. I ought to take up a sport or something. I've got all this nervous unused physical energy and it's driving me nuts. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:23am 05/10/2009 |
| |
I find it really odd that we know each other well enough to be great Apples-to-Apples partners, but when I get upset, he doesn't know enough about me to know all he has to do is give me a hug and a kiss, and I don't know him well enough to figure out why he won't. This is a consistent problem. This happens every time he's not in the mood to do cuddly stuff. I can totally understand not being in the mood to be too physical. I understand that entirely. Happens to me too. But I'm always in the mood for a kiss. That's a totally different thing. It's an innocent show of affection.
And that's all I really want, that I get upset about not getting. I really need affection. Kissing, hand-holding, playing with hair, back massages. Lying next to each other is really nice, but that's so passive; I prefer something active. I get very anxious when he says he loves me but then doesn't hug or kiss me. It feels like a lie, even if I know it's not. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:53am 21/09/2009 |
| |
It's nearly two in the morning. Just came back from game. Not quite as exciting as last year, but it'll pick up, I'm sure. It's a very epic setting. I worry that my character overlaps too much with Foster's, because we both play very charismatic characters.
It's cold. I wonder what Trey's doing. I tried to call, but he didn't pick up. Maybe he's asleep. I was hoping he might be up late, since he often is when he's with his friends. I worry sometimes that maybe he doesn't call because he's met someone else. This is not my greatest worry, but it does occur to me sometimes in these idle moments when I'm wishing he was here and wondering what he's doing. I had a terrible nightmare about it some time ago, during the week that he wouldn't talk to me. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I don't remember most of them so much. My waking mind does a decent job of purging thoughts I don't want to hang on to. I really just want a hug. I'm really grateful that I'm being invited to take part in rpgs and Rocky Horror, but it's harder to enjoy such things when I'm missing Trey all the time. Kiwi called me today, for the first time in a while. She's met some really nice guy that she's really attracted to. Good for her. I'm glad she seems to have met someone that's not just trying to get in her pants for once. I'm really jealous though, that her guy goes to the same school, so she can see him as often as she cares to. I wish my relationship could be like that. It's really hard for me to watch Mickey and Sonia cuddling during game. I want to be held. Lately I feel farther away from him than when he was in military training. Maybe he'll surprise me and tell me he's going to make time to come see me for a bit. I would love that.
Mm, I want to hug him close and be nice and warm. Maybe play at being sexy a little bit, but mostly just to sit together and play video games and talk about random nerdy things. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:10am 14/09/2009 |
| |
I don't know what to do for him. He doesn't want my reassurances. Maybe he didn't hear anything about the landscaping job and is upset about that? I can't force him to be positive, but a little positivity is obviously what he needs. I tell him I believe in him. I do. But apparently it doesn't matter to him. I guess all I can do is be here for him. I can't change his mind for him and magically poof him into being confident about his future. I wish I could do something, anything, that would make him cheer up a bit. He doesn't seem to want my cheering up for now though...
Yeah, I don't know what's going on in your brain. No one can get into anyone else's brain. It doesn't work like that. I frequently have very little idea what's going on with you, because the minute I reach out to help, you draw back and tell me I can't possibly understand. And maybe I can't. Because I like myself too much to think self-destructive thoughts. And because I care enough about the people around me not to worry myself to the point that I worry them.
And "The more I try, the more I mess it up"? What does that mean? I sure don't know about any recent mess-ups. Maybe you've been solving your problems by taking mafia hit jobs and you didn't tell me?
AAAAAAARGH! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 08:38am 09/09/2009 |
| |
Look, it's been a week now. I miss you and I don't want to lose you, but every time we don't communicate for a long stretch like this, I feel like I'm losing you and it bothers me, okay? |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:45pm 08/09/2009 |
| |
Look, if you're not interested in me anymore, just say so. I extremely dislike being ignored. If you continue to ignore me entirely for another week, I will assume you are no longer interested. I know you don't have your phone and you're busy helping your mom, but I also can see that you've been online, so I know you have internet and are choosing to not talk to me after you've said you would. If you are too busy to so much as poke me on Facebook, then maybe you don't care enough. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:21pm 07/09/2009 |
| |
Hey, where'd you go? You said you'd talk to me online since you didn't have your phone. It's been five days since then, and we only talked for all of five minutes then. I miss you. I know you're really busy, but it's hard for me to do this long-distance thing when we don't talk for so long.
Back to normal journaling:
I got a rug today. My mom kind of conned me into getting an expensive rug that wasn't really that great, but it is nice to not walk on a bare floor now. It was fun to go to Lake Compounce again with so many people. Sonia, Kyle, Mason, Squackie, Jung Wu, Phil. I wish Phil and I didn't always have such different taste in music. He keeps giving me cds that I don't really listen to, and then when I find something of his that I do like, but that he's not too excited about, he won't give it to me. He won't take cds of my music, either, like he's allowed to convert me to his music and I'm not allowed to try to convert him to mine. Blah. Once I have my license, at least I'll be able to dictate what music we listen to when driving around. I like Muse and Dream Theater as much as the next person, but not all day. Oh man! But the craziest thing happened as we were leaving! There was this kid wearing girly clothes walking with his two girl friends in front of us, and some jerks behind us started booing and calling the kid a "homo," among other things. So Phil turns around and yells, "Shut up!" And one of the jerks says, "We weren't talking to you!" And Phil says, "I don't care!" So the jerks are quiet, and one of the girls walking with the kid says something about how cool that was. It was both scary and mad impressive. Gah. Okay, back to homework. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:06pm 03/09/2009 |
| |
I wonder how often he thinks about me and wonders what I'm up to. My every third thought is of him. I wake up wishing he were beside me. Have breakfast and think how he's probably still dead asleep. Go to class and wonder if he's moving furniture or playing games. Run to my room to see if he's left any messages. Wait for him to call me. Give up and play games on the computer. Go out with friends. Do homework. Stare at my computer screen waiting for a little while. Give up. Go to sleep. Repeat. It was nice to go out today for a walk with Katie and Megan. I flattered that both of them like me enough to want to live with me senior year, that I'm part of the core trio. Talked to Phil for a little while. He always has something new that he's excited about.
Le sigh. I feel very unimportant to Trey. Not that he has to obsess about me. But I wish he would want to talk to me at least as often as my friends do. I wish I could see him everyday, do normal casual things like eat meals and do homework together, go to dances. I really want to dance with him. I wish he liked dancing. Not even silly sexy dancing, just regular moving around dancing, having fun. I'm going to the Shiva Rave Saturday night. It's always fun. I wish more people I know would go. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
|
|