Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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Friday, November 6th, 2009
3:02 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards Now that October and Halloween are over...over my objections and even if I didn't object and no matter what anyone thinks or says, Halloween is never "over." It's like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentines Day and Easter, only a million times more cool than those four "holidays" combined---they aren't merely a date on the calendar, they are in the heart, they are eternal and they never end...everyone's attention has been turned to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the pressing business of ruining them for me. And everyone is halfway there already. I'm not going to mention any names because Suzette already gets way more than enough bad press. Every word of it is entirely accurate and well deserved but still, I feel sorry for her because she's senile. She's not even thirty yet and she has the mind of a 180 year old. A very short sighted, Alzheimer's addled 180 year old with a short temper and no concept of logic, reason or fair play. She's a cheapskate, too. Did I tell you that she wouldn't give me a lousy million dollars when I desperately needed to buy a bunch of cupcake cars? Remind me to tell you that about that sometime when we have more time because tonight, we only have time to go over how she ruined Thanksgiving. I was happy and rightfully proud of myself for single handedly coming up with an idea to save a holiday that no one really likes because it glorifies the fraud, genocide and theft of an entire country from the Native Americans by the invading barbarians from Europe. And at the same time, it would satisfy all the people in my conservative base who think that all the fraud, genocide and theft was a good thing because it introduced the native heathens to their invisible friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes. In broad strokes, it would go like this: The entire meal would be served on naked girls, 26 of them, 13 to represent the original thirteen colonies and 13 to represent 13 of the native tribes that were raped, pillaged and plundered so we could have a four day weekend every November. You know, it's the same way they serve sushi in Seattle. And LA, San Fransisco, and Las Vegas now. New York FINALLY even has it. I bet they even have it in Chicago, now. And that begs the question: Where the heck is the Phrase That Pays that pays off in naked sushi? The next time you see Elton Jim and/or What's His Name, ask them that. In the meantime, let's back to what's most important: How the whole stupid world is unfair to me. So, you see, everyone from the most brain damaged arch conservative to the most sensitive arch liberal would be perfectly happy. Everyone, that is, except for senile 180 year old French girls who are trapped in bodies that aren't even 30 years old yet. I very carefully and slowly, taking care to use small words, to compensate for her mental disability, explained the whole thing, right down to the measurements of the 13 girls who would be wearing Pilgrim hats and the perfect booty's of the 13 who would be wearing feathers and she said, "No." But first, she said, "Isn't it past your bed time?" So then I had to explain to her...yet again...that I am not only an adult but also the Supreme Grand Ruling Commander-In-Chief and Chief Executive Officer of this house as well as king of this castle, etc etc etc and therefore I can do whatever I want and what I say goes and she said, "Get your feet off the coffee table." That's when I reminded her that her opinions mean nothing in the face of my all encompassing authority and that's when she got mad about nothing and started another fight for no reason. I'll spare you the boring details, save the outcome...big surprise here...I won. Even an entire army of dumb girls couldn't beat me. One dumb girl has no chance at all. The surprising, inexplicable and totally unfair part is that Thanksgiving dinner won't be served on 26 naked girls. The hors d'œuvres for tonight's party won't even be served on naked girls. I'm dumbfounded, to say the least, but I am glad that we have this, the drink that Fifi created for tonight: ----------------------------------------------- Naked Turkey Trot Ingredients: * 2 cups Cranberry juice * 2 cups 7-Up * 1 cup Wild Turkey Mixing instructions: Mix with a stirrer in a pitcher then pour over ice into glasses. A Thanksgiving tradition for the truly dysfunctional family! ----------------------------------------------- I know, I know, it's hard to get in a party mood given the gross lack of nudity and the added insult of food being served by fully dressed waitresses from platters but just do the best you can. Wait a minute! I do have something that will cheer you up. I have some great ideas for serving carrot and celery sticks that will make your next family gathering a smash hit. Let's go in the study and talk about it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday November 5, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
3:13 pm	Baseball, Murder, Cancer and On And On And On So the Yankees won. Finally. After 100 games or however many it was. Still, it counts as good news. Not good enough to erase all the years they not only didn't win the Series but all the years they didn't go at all. It also doesn't make up for the murder spree in Texas. Most of all, it doesn't make up for cancer. Yesterday it was Bill Wundram and today it's Laverne. Why doesn't cancer ever get it right? Well, it does sometimes but hardly ever. Barely enough to even mention. Tony Snow is the only case I can remember off the top of my head where cancer did something useful. I'm sure there are others but why is that so rare? Why didn't I wake up this morning and see that Rush Limbaugh has a brain tumor (OOOps... bad example because he would have to have a brain to get a tumor in it so change that to colon cancer)? Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so but no, it's always Bill or Penny or George Harrison or Frank Zappa or Farrah Fawcett or Ted Kennedy or any one of a million others that we can't afford to lose. And the ones it should be getting rid of remain untouched. Another person that should get cancer is the person that Barb Ickes wrote about today...and she did such a good job that I had to create a brand new award: Local Writer Of The Day---It's going to be very unpredictable but I suspect that if you call your bookie right now and bet on Shane Brown to win every Sunday for as long as he keeps writing, you won't be disappointed---...but what did happen to her is pretty funny, anyway. I don't have time to go into a lot of depth about it, so I recommend you just go read it, but I will say that Income Maintenance Administrator Cathy Taylor for the Scott County Department of Human Services is a lot like my "boss," Putz "Shorty" McWorthless. I put boss in quotes because he never had any real power...unfortunately a lot of people were afraid to go over his deformed little head though and he managed to do a lot of damage...and now he mostly mows grass and scrubs toilets. I hope the same fate awaits Cathy Taylor. Out of all the problems that need to be fixed in America, this is one of the biggest. And we can't count on cancer getting rid of them, so I hope that everyone who has a problem at work, school or wherever goes over the idiot's head or notifies OSHA, the Labor Relations Board or whatever else body that may be concerned or gets a good lawyer and sues. Or all of the above. And if anyone tries to tell you that life just isn't fair sometimes and you should just live with it, well, just crush them under the immense wealth you got from the settlement because we can't count on cancer getting rid of them, either and Freedom Of Speech also applies to dolts. Speaking of dolts who are just dumb beyond all belief and yet still have a right to say whatever is on their minds, I want to extend my sympathies to the anti-abortion crowd because the parental notification law here in Illinois was blocked again. I feel sorry for you because I know your invisible friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes doesn't like abortion. But hey, you won in Maine on the gay marriage issue. Enjoy that while you can. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Wednesday November 4, 2009 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
3:02 pm	The Only Thing I Want To Catch This Fall Is Catch 35 If you happen to see Elton Jim and/or What's His Name this afternoon and you tell them I sent you and then say, "The only thing I want to catch this fall is Catch 35," they will give you a huge gift certificate for Catch 35. I'm not sure know much it's for, $10 million maybe, $25 million, possibly, but I'm sure that it's enough to get you started at the bar. And that's where I recommend you start and finish the evening. Don't even leave the bar. And skip dinner. Just have them roll the dessert cart up to your bar stool when you start to feel hungry. Yeah, it's partly because of that old piece of folk wisdom that goes, "Life is uncertain so eat dessert first," but it's also because it's been the kind of day that just demands that you don't dilute your alcohol, fat and sugar with anything even remotely resembling what any old unfun person calls real, wholesome or healthy. Unless you want to stop and get a banana split on the way home, because you can slip the bananas, which are real, healthy and wholesome through a loophole if you request extra chocolate syrup and whipped cream. By then, the food referees should be too drunk to pay attention to what you're eating, anyway, but you can never be too careful. And then tomorrow, maybe things will be...well, not better, because things never get better but maybe it will be a little less horrible than today was. This was yet another of those days that Uncle Bobby called a character builder. Without the snow. Bob usually, not always but usually, reserved the moniker, "Character Builder," for heat waves and blizzards but today qualifies. The Democrats lost a couple of key elections and the Yankees might lose tonight or whenever it is they play again. And then Craig B. Hulet spent all morning reminding us just how sad infuriating this country is (That's always painful and depressing to listen to but it is necessary and Craig gets Coast Guest Of The Day). Then there was all the other usual bad news, too, but it didn't end there. Because then I looked at the Quad City Times and discovered that my Number Two Favorite Local Writer, who I've been reading since around 1972, has cancer. Bill said he's going to beat it and I'm taking his word for it but it's still upsetting. Upsetting enough to stay in the bar all night and eat at least one of everything on the dessert menu. Smoke all you want, too. Even though you have to go outside now and that's a huge pain in the neck, it's still worth it. It won't get you out of here any faster, though. If there were the slightest bit of truth in all those tobacco scare stories, I would have been gone a long time ago and wouldn't have had to go through this day or any of its' clones that came before it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Tuesday November 3, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
3:01 pm	Just Another Stairway To Nowhere I don't have to tell you to not believe everything you read. Or see. Especially what you read in the papers and see on TV but since not everyone is as smart as you are...you knows the ones I'm talking about, the missing link mouth breathing troglodytes who automatically accept everything the hippie liberal bed-wetting commie dangerously radical drive-by media tells them as an absolute fact...I have to get a jump on the drop-out beatnik criminal element libel artists who pass as journalists these days and say that I am not advocating a return to slavery. All I said is that people should be property and I should have the right to own them. And I know that some people are going to say that there is only the finest of lines between that and slavery but that's only until they see what a good reason I have for it. You see, I got this great idea today...where it came from, I have no idea. Great ideas are like that a lot of the time. They just magically appear out of nowhere, for no reason. I was just innocently sitting here in my office, minding my own business, listening to the radio and there it was. Bang! Just like that, I somehow knew that I had to build a stairway to Heaven. So I went to my Head Architect, Clerestory, and explained my plans to her, and she said, "Why? Just have Bunni (Miss Bunni is my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer and she's really good at opening doorways between dimensions) create an opening and just walk through it like you always do." "That's boring," I explained, very slowly, because Clerestory isn't very bright and has a hard time grasping good ideas. "That's why I want Miss Bunni to create a stable perpetual opening between here and Heaven, only a thousand miles above the game room and I want you to bridge the gap with a solid gold staircase, or, if that's too expensive, a gold plated one. As long as it looks good. Oh, and an elevator, too, because I hate using the stairs." That's when she went off the deep end...why are there so many short sighted people out there and why do so many of them end up around me?...but she finally agreed to build a thousand foot gold painted iron staircase to Heaven along with an elevator the minute I convinced Suzette (I'm still not sure how or why but she controls all the money around here even though she's just my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, not my treasurer) that it wasn't the most idiotic idea I had ever had. "I suspect, though," She went on, even though it was way past the point where she should have stopped talking, "That she'll use this to finally have you committed." Then she went on and explained how ancient civilizations, like the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Celts did things like this with slave labor because it was cheaper and more reliable. I decided to not bother trying to explain to her that crazy people can't have sane people locked up in rubber rooms and instead said, "Slavery is wrong but if I could buy a bunch of workers and save a ton of money on labor costs, that wouldn't be so bad. How much would it save?" She did some quick calculations and said, "Roughly $100 million. But, sorry, it's illegal." "For the moment, perhaps. Barack owes me a lot of favors, so I'll run it past him and we'll see what happens. In any case, just start drawing up the plans and then order the materials. I'm going to go talk to Suzette now and then I'll call Barack and I figure we can start first thing in the morning, " I said. "And find out how much dancing girls cost. If I'm going to be saving $100 million, I should put some of it back into the economy." "I'll get right on it," She said. "And don't worry, I'll come see you every week." I don't know what she meant by that and I didn't have time to find out. I had to get this project rolling so I went to tell Suzette about the stairway to Heaven, the return of owning workers...which is not slavery...and that she was going to give me all the money it would require. Then I had to get the President to write a little executive order that would allow me to buy and sell people. I'd love to tell you how those conversations went but I can't because I have to go now. The judge wants to see me again. You know, there's nothing wrong with cross dressing, if that's what you're into, but if you're a guy wearing a dress, you shouldn't be trying to tell me I'm crazy. Anyway, the only thing you need to know is that I am not now, nor have I ever been in favor of bringing back slavery. All I ever wanted to do is own a few thousand workers and some dancing girls to save a little money. And if any reporter or editor tries to tell you otherwise, just remember that they are lying to you. And they are the reason the economy is failing. Now, go have a town hall meeting speak out about about how all those traitors are ruining America and I'll get back to you tomorrow with my next good idea. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday November 2, 2009 (Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
10:51 am	Today's Random Coast Notes For the first time ever---I think, so don't take this for gospel---we have two Coast Guests Of The Day. Dinesh D'Souza and Prof. Ken Warren both win for talking about how ridiculous "Science" is when it talks about things as if it knew what it was talking about and how it tries to pass off wild guesses as facts and the scam that is red light cameras, respectively. This was a really really good show. And it would have given The Night Hawk Coast Host Of The Day if he hadn't lost so many points last week when he let the Worst Coast Guest Of The Week, Mary Ann Winkowski get away, unchallenged, with saying that no sane person would ever commit suicide. Suicide could very well be the worst thing a person could ever do...it seems like a scam to me, sort of like a pay day loan and thus far, everything that seems to be too good to be true turns out to be false but that's still just a guess and nothing more...but if you're going to say it as if it's a known fact and then go even further by saying you would have to be crazy to do it, you should be prepared to back it up with something (Something more than empty talk) and the person interviewing you should demand that you do so or retract your statement. So George has to do a lot more shows like this and bring out a lot more blockbuster guests if he wants to even be considered for Coast Host Of The Year...which Ian has already won but there could be two Hosts Of The Year. Still, though, this show was really good and it gets 84 out of 10 stars. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday November 1, 2009 (Comment on this)
10:48 am	I'm Freshly Showered, That Should Count For Something Who would have ever thought that Rick Springfield could ever be good at anything? Not me or you or anyone else. But that didn't stop the powers that be behind Californication (We call him Dave around the office) from using him...I think this was the second episode---Glass Houses---in a row, maybe the third that he has been in...and proving all of us wrong. Rick is not only interesting and funny but he's a pretty decent actor as well. I know it sounds impossible but it's true and it's yet more evidence that Californication is the best show on TV. It's all also further evidence that you shouldn't just dismiss second rate soap opera actors and pop singers because they might just have a lot of hidden talent. But what about teenagers? Are they ever good for anything? I ask that because while I think that Hank and Karen are really overreacting to a lot of things that Becca is doing but there are other things that I think they are right to be upset about. And her little friend Chelsea, who I used to like until she made that crack about Karen's apartment being too small ("I've seen bigger dorm rooms," Is how she put it, I think) and how based on that, she isn't economically sound enough to raise her own daughter and now I think she should shipped off to a private boarding school in Switzerland run by ex-Nazis for five years or however long it takes to adjust her attitude. The wine thing was, along with Hank's advice on how to cope with being really drunk and Becca throwing up on Dean Koons, very funny but I can understand how it made her parents angry. And what are they going to do now? Drag her back to New York out of spite? Maybe. But only for an episode or two at most, because the name of the show is Californication. They are locked into California. What they could do, and I wonder if Becca has considered this, is move to a small, rural and very dull town in California, and there are are plenty to choose from and then growing up for her would be just like it was for me...only with a nicer climate. I suspect, though, that Karen will just move back to LA and they'll all just somehow work their way through Becca's growing pains. And Hank's sleeping with his T.A., student/stripper and (Very soon now) boss (And Chelsea's mother) all at the same time. You could almost feel sorry for Karen if it weren't for the fact that she already knows that all this is going to happen. So let's forget that and just concentrate on the three-way lesbian scene between Jackie, Jill and Felicia which should be coming any minute now. And will Karen just give up and go with the flow, so to speak and join in and make it a four-way lesbian scene? That's what I'm betting on because I'm not a downbeat negative pessimistic psychic vampire like you. And maybe if you could be upbeat and positive like for me for once, we could, through mass intention, make it happen. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday November 1, 2009 (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
4:50 am	It's The Day After Halloween, You Bastards I got up a little later than usual this morning...yeah, I know what Ben said about early to bed and early to rise but look where it got him. He's dead now and doesn't that make you question his whole belief system?...and I've either fallen into a warp warp or WOC is replaying an old Ghost To Ghost, because Art is on. I know that I'm in a man made time warp, or at least I'm supposed to be, because the whole country fell back last night but did it end with one hour or did it snowball out of control? Did we fall back a mere 60 minutes or was it 60 years or more? Or somewhere in between? It will probably be some time before we know, if we ever know at all. The Internet is suggesting, foremost by it's mere existence and secondarily by the good news it's reporting about baseball, politics and a victory over a fascist school in Indiana that the frame dragging caused by the artificial time change was minimal at most but we just don't know for sure. I will probably at a later, most likely a much later, time talk about all those news stories but not now because the one thing we know with certainty is that while there was a lot of falling back last night, there was also a lot of falling down. It wasn't officially a Halloween Party because a bunch of power mad dictators said that we already had enough Halloween parties this year but there were lots of people in costumes, lots of Halloween style drinks and games and it was Halloween, so you can make that call yourself and now, Fifi is doing the best she can to repair the damage with these: ------------------------------------- Screwed-Up Screwdriver 1/4 cup ice 1/2 cup orange or tangerine juice 1 1/2 ounces black vodka 1 black licorice twist, for garnish Place ice in a highball glass. Pour juice into glass. Pour vodka over the back of a cocktail spoon into glass so it sits on top of juice. Slice ends off a licorice twist and use as a straw. ------------------------------------- A lot of people, mostly neighbors, oddly enough, are still here and most of them are making fun of me for using strawberry licorice instead of black licorice because I don't like black licorice. Art...not Art Bell because he always has better things to do than go to my Halloween Parties and I can't blame him because I'd like to get out of these dull ordinary affairs myself but the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, who lives and works next door at The First National Church Of Rock Island...says that it is proof that I am the Evil One, because who else but Satan himself would choose red over his favorite color, black, for the express purpose of tricking everyone into believing he's innocent? And isn't red the color of eternal flame and the Prince Of Darkness' cloak? Whatever. He's just upset that he has to go to work in a few hours and he's taking it out on me. Kids, write this down: If you don't want to work on Sundays, don't be a minister. Or a NASCAR driver. Speaking of kids, a lot of people are saying, because they are jealous that I'm a million times more grown up and mature than they'll ever be, that I should take my desecrated Screwed Up Screwdriver and go sit at the kiddie table but I won't do that because it's dominated by Pearl. A lot of her critics say that she is far more symbol than character and I can't really argue with that. Mostly because she reminds me so much of Suzette. But I also think it can be even more accurately said that Suzette and Pearl and all the others who resemble them are even more than symbols, they are living embodiments of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That Is Out To Get Me. That hypothesis still has some rough edges that need to be refined but it's plenty good enough for a Sunday morning like this. And I think I'm going to leave these people: Art and his lovely wife, née the Widow Hibbins, Pearl, John Wilson (Another reverend, strangely enough), Roger Chillingworth, the Governor and Suzette, Fifi, Dru, Miss Bunni, Miss Kitti and the rest of my staff and take my Screwed Up Screwdriver and Hester upstairs to see my new etchings. She came as a Naughty Puritan this year (That's what she comes as every year but she pulls it off so well that no one really minds) and I think that she just might be able to take my mind off the boring torture that is this typically mundane ordinary run of the mill morning after Halloween. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Ian Punnett, WOC AM1420 (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 31st, 2009
4:29 pm	Today's Random Coast Notes For the second time this week, George has swept The Coast Awards. Arnie is especially happy about this because he's fifty-nine years old and had never won anything at all ever in his entire life but now he has not one but two Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Day awards. Apparently, he still doesn't rate any air time but he isn't even upset about that. He's no longer sad, depressed and bitter about doing all the real work and getting no recognition for it, either, because now he has an embarrassment of recognition. And he owes it all to Alice Cooper. And if JC had called in, he could be thanking him for his Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Year. It was that close. Gary S. Paxton was a super guest (Guest Of The Day, as a matter of fact), the appearance by Dr. Morgus, the atmosphere (Spooky voice-overs with nice little added touches like mentioning Transylvania) and finally finally FINALLY playing an Alice Cooper song very nearly put this one over the top. All they needed was JC...but having the guy on on Sunday who exposes what a scam red light cameras are might just do it...and that brings up a good question: Will JC call in tonight? When he's not even needed because Ian has already locked in Coast Host Of The Year...and you know he did that on purpose just to vex me because I don't have anything to hang over his head now until January... or maybe his nephew, Jethro? Or possibly both? That would be a typically Coast moment. The best caller in radio call in show history and his nephew, Jethro (I don't know if he's really on Team JC or just a wannabe but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until JC says otherwise) calling in when they aren't really needed. Anyway, I'm expecting good things from tonight's show...even though Ian technically doesn't have to do anything because he's already Coast Host Of The Year...maybe an appearance by Art? A short interview with Alice Cooper? Some perfect musical gem that everyone...including me for some odd unexplainable reason...has totally forgotten about? There are endless possibilities and I expect to be pleasantly surprised. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 30, 2009 (Comment on this)
2:54 pm	You Two Are Great Together. Good Luck With That I hope the writers of Californication...usually Tom Kapinos and Gina Fattore according to the web site...were paying attention to this week's episode, Slow Happy Boys, which was written by Tom (I still say the writing on this show is always a group effort because it seems so disjointed much of the time but since the official word on the street is that Tom wrote this one, I'll go along with it) and you'd think they would since it's their job to write the show. Before I go on, let me say that even though the writing is disjointed a lot of the time...and downright amateurish in places...that is no reason to not watch the show because they get almost everything else right almost all the time and it is the best show on TV. And when the writing is on, it comes close to perfection. Such as they did this week with Sue Collini who is played by Kathleen Turner. For weeks, they have been turning her into a cartoon character à la Charlie and Marcy and I was coming to the conclusion that she was just a waste of A List talent but then they (Mostly Kathleen but the writer(s) get(s) a little credit for this, too) reversed my opinion in one scene. They gave her a situation---preventing a fight between Hank, Zlos and a transvestite---along with a couple of great lines and Kathleen took those raw materials and in a few seconds transformed a dullish one dimensional character who was getting very boring very fast into one that's now fully fleshed out and interesting. I wish they would do that with Charlie and Marcy. Not that they haven't tried, numerous times, but they have always failed. Not always miserably, because a few times they have come close but usually they try to do it with a pathetically forced situation---Believe it or not, the fight that was about to erupt between Hank, Zios and the transvestite came off as natural and believable as a discussion about politics, only lots more interesting---and a lot of really lame lines. So that's why I hope all the writers pay really close attention to this episode. Before I go any further, I need to remind my critics that the rule prohibiting writers from using inane, forced, awkward situations and really lame dialogue is another one of those rules that doesn't apply to me. Have we got that straight, now? Good. Now we can talk about Karen. According to my top secret super deep undercover intelligence network, she is back in LA to convince Hank to move back to New York and since that is as hard as convincing Dean Martin to have a drink, the dramatic conflict comes in the form of Becca, who (Still, because that was the plan when Karen went to New York in the first place) doesn't want to move. This is the sort of thing that redeems the writer(s) and makes you forgive him/her or them for all the sins they commit. It would be nice if they were like me and never did any sinning at all but you can't have everything. Speaking of everything, why don't we just wrap this one up with a question, "Can we please have Stephen Root back for another episode or two?" Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 30, 2009 (Comment on this)
Friday, October 30th, 2009
1:59 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards This is it. Over my objections...have you ever noticed that just about everything that happens on this dull stupid little planet happens over my objections? Do you think that's just a coincidence? If you do, you're just the person I've been looking for. Stick around after this is finished and all the people who are too dumb to recognize a good deal when they see it are gone because I want to tell you how to transform your debt into wealth overnight, for free and I'm only gonna charge you $695. Then, because I like you, for just another 29.95, I'm going to give you some magic pills that will make you lose all the weight all you want while making you live forever. Then, I'm going to tell you how your house is not an asset and how saving money is a one way ticket to Broketown plus a lot of other invaluable economic advice and that's only gonna cost you another $99.99 and I'm going to throw in a reminder that buzzed driving is drunk driving for free---because it seems like the right thing to do---you just pay separate shipping and handling...this is our last Halloween Party for 2009. Not that it matters all that much. I don't know if I told you or not, but my Halloween was ruined like three weeks ago and it was even ruined earlier than that but I patiently and good-naturedly overlooked those first transgressions and didn't officially declare my Halloween ruined until...until...well, I can't remember exactly what they were but I do remember that they were huge and unforgettable! And, now, just because the stupid calendar says that Halloween is tomorrow, we can't have another Halloween Party next week! This is the very same outdated narrow minded boorish bigoted kind of thinking that prevents the human race from progressing past the barbarian stage. It also stops girls from dressing like vampires, cops, prisoners, French Maids, nurses, devils, angels, cowgirls, pirates and witches after October 31 and that's the part that really hurts! As if that isn't enough, someone made Kitty Litter Cake again. I know that you wouldn't dare defy my edict and eat any of it but that doesn't make up for the fact that someone defied my edict to not make it. I'm not going to mention any names but I really hope that Suzette wears a naughty schoolgirl uniform tonight because no one has ever needed to stay after school and learn a thing or two about respect for authority and the importance of following the rules than she does. Why is it so hard for some people to grasp that I'm in charge and what I say goes? When I say jump, why can't they say, "How high?" Like they're supposed to, instead of, "Stick it in your ear?" And I had to clean that up because I know that Halloween is a big holiday for kids. Thank Wonder Woman...that's who Fifi dressed up as this year and I don't mean to editorialize here but she fills out the outfit very nicely...for alcohol. She even worked overtime today and came up with not one but two drinks for tonight: ------------------------------------------------------ Black Widow 1 1/2 oz. SKYY Infusions Raspberry 1/2 oz. Triple Sec 2 oz. Pomegranate Juice Squeeze of Fresh Lemon Juice Raspberry Syrup Draw a spider web on the inside of a chilled martini glass with raspberry syrup. Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with plastic spider. Wicked Witch Apple Punch 1 750 ml bottle SKYY Infusions Passion Fruit 1 750 ml bottle Sparkling Apple Cider 1 64 oz. bottle Cranberry Juice Cocktail 1 Liter Ginger Ale 2 cups Pineapple Juice Red Apple Slices Combine all ingredients in a large black witch’s cauldron with ice and stir. Garnish with large slices of red apple floating on top and dry ice. ------------------------------------------------------ We also have a theme tonight---and you can tell that the Party Theme Committee worked really hard on it---: Scary People, Part Three and Miss Bunni, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer has parted the veil between the living and the dead and brought Jack The Ripper, Albert Fish, Richard Nixon and Lizzie Borden, et al, here. Yeah, I know you that you and me both know that Liz never even hurt, let alone killed anyone but plenty of people still think she did it and she is fun to party with. And it's hilarious watching her freak out the people who think she's guilty by waving her ax at them while shrieking, "You're next!" Of course, four of my closest friends, Vlad, Ivan IV, Adolph and Ted aren't here. Because Suzette doesn't like them. She says they're murderous blood sucking ghouls and bums. Even though only one of them actually drank blood. And those stories were highly exaggerated at that! Truman Capote is here though and when he gets drunk enough, he is kind of like those four, at least in attitude if not in deed. And if enough people do enough stupid things tonight...and you can pretty much count on that...we'll get a new book out of it. Just as soon as he finishes Answered Prayers. Which means we'll never see it. Oh well. As I said, Halloween is already ruined anyway, so what does it matter? So just drink a lot and try to make the best of it. AND DON'T EAT THE KITTY LITTER CAKE! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday October 29, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 29th, 2009
3:03 pm	Today's Random Coast Notes Before we get to this morning's Coast, I want to congratulate The New York Yankees. That was very big and overwhelmingly generous of them to let Philadelphia win one game. Game one. IN NEW YORK! And now that they have scored a few billion Karma points with God for taking last night off, they can return to the business of winning and steamroll that minor league suburb for the next twelve or however many more games there are and just get this thing done. If you live in Philadelphia, don't take that crack about Philly being a minor league suburb the wrong way. I used to live in Philadelphia and I love it as much as you do but, unlike you, I'm honest enough to admit that it's just another suburb of New York. Now go have a cheese steak, chill out and accept that the natural order of the Universe dictates that New York must win. Now that Baseball Talk is out of the way, let's move onto this morning's edition of Coast To Coast AM. If you haven't heard it yet, get StreamLink and do it now. No, do it after I'm done because I'm way a way better use of your time than a dumb radio program. Except when Dan Aykroyd is the guest. Well, I still am but I can't say it out loud because you know what huge delicate egos these mega stars have. As you may have guessed, this show swept today's Coast Awards. Dan gets Best Guest Of The Day, George gets Host Of The Day, Tommy gets Producer Of The Day and so on, right down to Arnie, the guy who gets George's coffee and he wins Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Day. The only flaw in the show, the one that makes it get only 109 instead of 110 stars out of ten is that JC didn't call in. It also prevents George from automatically tying Ian in the Coast Host Of The Year race. So, the Night Hawk has to keep working hard if he wants to get CHY. And how will he do it? His greatest strength is in getting blockbuster guests and I predict he will go with it. The interesting question is, how will the other hosts fight back? George Knapp let it slip that he used to correspond with Tom Robbins and getting him on would automatically get him CHY. Along with Ian, because he already locked up his spot with his tribute to War Of The Worlds. And will Ian fight back, even though he has already won? He just might. So these last two months of the year could be filled with top shelf guests and prize winning surprises. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Wednesday October 28, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
3:02 pm	Do You Feel Lucksy, Punk? Well, Do Ya? That's today's Phrase That Pays...but I think it will work just as well if you say lucky instead of lucksy. That's a good thing because I know some of you would feel dumb saying, "lucksy." And I wouldn't want you to miss out on a great $25 gift certificate to Luxbar because of a little embarrassment. If Elton Jim gives you a hard time, just tell him I sent you. Also tell him I'm not even blaming him for the cupcake car debacle. Even though I should. And What's His Name because it's 100% his fault, too. I know they did this to me on purpose. And then they started feeling guilty about it and had George Wendt a few days later to make up for it. It was a great interview but it doesn't make up for not having a cupcake car. And what do I do? I forgive them, anyway, because I'm a Saint. Suzette, too, because it was also 100% her fault. I came home the other day and said, "Hey, give me $25,000 (Even though I'm constantly signing multi-million dollar book, movie and TV deals, my agent only gives me $8.50/hour to write, produce, create, direct, etc etc etc them and I never have any money but for some reason I can't quite figure out yet, my staff is always loaded and even when they're sober, they have lots of money) because I'm buying..." That's when she cut me off with, "No. You're not buying a cupcake car." How did she know what I was going to say? It's her spooky mind reading ability brought about by senility. So, I didn't even ask her how she knew. I just said, "You don't understand. Elton Jim and What's His Name were talking about it and saying how reasonable they are and how everyone has to have one. It was like listening to Consumer Reports. In fact, I think one won't be enough, so make it $100,000 so I can get four of them. No. Make it an even million because you know how these things go, there's gas and insurance and doc fees and what would be the point if I don't get the sport mirror package?" "Gary, Elton Jim and everyone else were talking about how stupid the whole thing is and making fun of the idiots who would buy one," She said. I very patiently...because I'm sensitive about the illness that's eating her brain and making her act like a moron...explained to her that she completely misunderstood everything and she better give me a million bucks right now or else. That's when she got mad about nothing and started another stupid fight for no reason, just like she always does. At that point, I not only had to make her see how crazy she is but I also had to win a stupid argument, too. Like I have time for that. Not that winning a fight is a big deal for someone like me because I'm unbeatable but it's still annoying that I have to constantly do it. It's like I'm Muhammad Ali and every girl in the world thinks she's Joe Frazier...except, unlike Muhammad, I've never been defeated. Not even in Madison Square Garden. So this was yet another easy one round victory for me and I should be taking a victory lap in one of my brand new cupcake cars right now. Except...and this is the really unbelievably stupid part...I can't because I don't have a cupcake car! I don't know how or why but life is always totally unfair to me like that. I just hope you're lucksier with cupcake cars than I am. but, if not, have a few million beers when you get to Luxbar and try to forget that they even make stupid cupcake cars that you can't have. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday October 26, 2009 (Comment on this)
Monday, October 26th, 2009
3:00 pm	Thinking Funny Or Maybe it's Funny Thinking "The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible." -David M. Ogilvy Thanks, Dave, but you really didn't need to tell me that because I'm always thinking funny. Even now, when I'm suffering with stage four inoperable terminal shoulder cancer. It's helping a lot that the pain is nearly completely gone now and my spirits are way up because I know this will be the time that I don't fall victim to yet another stupid miracle remission like I have every other time I've had a terminal disease and I will finally get out of here this time. Hopefully by Halloween, because I want to go as a real ghost this year. I've got so many cool things planned and I wish I could tell you about them but I can't...just rest assured that you'll be more scared than you ever have been before..., because, while having a terminal illness is great, there is a downside to it and that is that it's really killing my schedule. For example, this post was supposed to be done yesterday. I had millions of brilliant, witty and insightful things to say about the thinking funny quote. But I can't remember them, now. That's another downside to terminal illness, it does terrible things to your memory. So let's talk about baseball and Coast To Coast AM, instead. And let's start with baseball. The Yankees are in the Series. Finally. After a million year long drought. And they better win. Or, I swear, right here on my deathbed...well, it's more like a deathdesk but if a few of you ladies would put on your nightgowns and hop up on it, it would be just like a bed. Or, if you sleep in the nude, that's OK, too. Don't think you have to get all dressed up for me....that I will never ever go to New York ever again for as long as I live. Even if I manage to live past Halloween! No. Wait. That's a little harsh. Let's make that, I swear, right here on my deathbed which is really more of a deathdesk until some of you girls put on your PJ's or just take off everything, whichever you prefer, and sit on it, that if the Yanks don't win, I will never ever go to the Bronx again for as long as I live. Or until something is going on there that I want to attend. Whichever comes first. That's much better because there's just no sense in punishing all the Boroughs for the sins of one. So, all you med school students out there should write this down: Terminal illness doesn't affect one's sense of fair play. Except when it comes to Coast To Coast. And even that is a little debatable. See, the problem is that George Knapp should, by all rights, get Coast Host Of The Year for talking about Tom Robbins the other day but Ian screwed that up with his homage to War Of The Worlds and I'm just too tired to give duplicate awards. Further complicating the matter is the big fancy award that I gave George for being the best part time host that technically takes him out of the running for Coast Host Of The Year. It was such a simple, airtight and logical system until George started talking about Tom. And now, the only thing we can conclude is that George and Ian are both working for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That's Out To Get Me. And I'll bet you a dollar to a doughnut that Suzette is involved somehow. Or, to be more accurate, what are you going to do now? Don't get me wrong. I'd love to stick around and help you solve this unsolvable puzzle but my deathdesk is starting to look more and more like a deathbed now because it's being swarmed by nude and semi-nude women who are demanding to be entertained. Just let me know what you come up with. And be quick about it because I don't have much time left...except for you ladies on my desk. I will make all the time you need. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday October 25, 2009 (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 25th, 2009
9:07 am	Today's Random Coast And Local Writers' List Notes Maybe I'm biased and perhaps even a little unfairly advantaged because I have a degree in Philosophy but I found this morning's show to be one of the best, most intriguing and highly entertaining Coast's ever. It was also one one of the most eerie Coast's ever, for personal reasons I'll get into in the next entry, or the previous entry, depending on what order I post them in and what order you read them in. To be honest...and why wouldn't I be? Because lying doesn't pay. That's why I never lie. Especially when I tell girls that I am a 25 year old extremely 100% faithful, sensitive and caring gourmet chef/massage therapist with a 30 figure income and an 11 inch tongue who is often mistaken for a young Robert Redford...I don't even know when this or the next (Or previous) one will be posted, because I somehow did something to my right shoulder and the right side of my neck that is causing me indescribable amounts of unbearable pain and suffering. So I guess you should add Prophet to my already irresistible resume but do that later because we have quite enough to do right now and the last thing we need are further delays caused by countless more women lusting after me. And the first of those things is Philosophy & Mortality, or, as I like to call it, This Morning's Coast. The big problem we face at this point is that the show was far too big to explore in single blog post. The other big problem is that I'm in far too much agony to even talk about a little of it. That's why I'm just going to tell you to go listen to it on StreamLink if you haven't heard it yet. First, though, I'm going to do the impossible and, in spite of all the discomfort being caused by my crippled shoulder, I am going to talk, briefly, about one thing. And that one thing is a statement that Ian made this morning that went a little something like this (Sorry, I can't remember his exact words), "If Heaven is so great and wonderful, why are we wasting all this time here?" I wonder...as do, I suppose, most of you, too...about that all the time. Suicide fascinates me and I am constantly wondering why I don't just do it. There are a lot of possibilities---like maybe I do have a purpose here that keeps me going or maybe I am having more fun than I think I am or maybe I somehow know that what comes next isn't as good and there are lots more but you get the general idea---but the cool thing about this morning's show is that Ian and his guests didn't answer the question. They discussed possibilities but they didn't do what most people do, which is to get preachy and judgmental and make themselves look like idiots by merely repeating (Usually badly, at that) what they have been told and showing that they have never put the tiniest bit of thought into what they are saying. And it doesn't matter if they are Holy Rollers or atheists, they are both selling the same product, only with different packaging. That's why I appreciate Ian, Tom and Daniel and what they did this morning so much. Life would be a million times less annoying if everyone were more like them. And that brings us very neatly and seamlessly to our next topic, which is: If everyone were like Shane Brown, life would be a million times more funny. If you haven't read his column for this week yet, you can check it out here (Eventually, I suppose) and find out why he is Number Three on my Top Ten Favorite Local Writer's List and also discover just how afraid of Catie he is, because she is beautifully poised to swoop in and steal his spot the very next time he screws up. I hope that covers everything because I have to go now and attack this shoulder that is trying to kill me with a hot shower and a few million more aspirin. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Saturday October 24, 2009 (Comment on this)
5:58 am	Dream Du Jour I was going to write this one yesterday but I couldn't due to excessive pain and suffering, so it's really Yesterday's Dream Du Jour. I don't think that's going to diminish your enjoyment of it any, though. It's teaching you a valuable lesson, too, which is: Really good things come to those who wait. And, if you don't like it at all, at least it's ruining your life when there's one less day of it to go through now. Either way, I've got you covered. And now, I guess, it's time to get started but first I want to announce that I now know what is wrong with me. Physically, because there is nothing wrong with me mentally. And anyone who tells you differently is crazy. And I found out what's wrong with me not by wasting a lot of time and money seeing a doctor. I did it the old fashioned way: Self Diagnosis. It was pretty easy because the only thing that could hurt this bad is a severe case of inoperable fourth stage shoulder cancer. The good news is that it feels a little better today and it seems to be responding to Advil. Any good inoperable fourth stage shoulder cancer specialist will tell you that that's very typical as the disease progresses. I just wish that it would get the pain part over with already and then get me out of here. I'm getting a headache, too, which I'm sure is a brain tumor, but we don't have time to go into that because it's time to talk about this dream I had the night before last. As I mentioned yesterday, it had an eerie quality to it but not really, when you consider that it happens to me all the time. And that thing is that it seemed to match that morning's Coast. The dream was (evidently, as far as I can tell) set in the future and this future owed a lot to the Jetsons. Well, one part of it, anyway. And that was the cars. You know how George Jetson would push a button on his car and it folded up into a briefcase? Well, the cars in this dream did something similar but even better. You pushed a button on your car and it shrunk into a miniature version of itself that was the size and weight of a Hot Wheels car. Then you could just put it in your pocket or wherever (I saw a girl put hers down her cleavage) and parking was no longer an issue. But it still was. For reasons I can't remember now, I was at a large university campus (Maybe it was the U Of I and I was there for shoulder cancer treatments but that's just a guess) and I was having trouble finding wherever it was I was supposed to go and the problem was compounded by the Parking Police. They kept harassing me by telling me that I needed to pay all kinds of fees and remember where I had parked...there were tons of huge empty parking lots...and I kept trying to explain that I wasn't going to pay for anything I didn't need and I didn't need parking. It didn't help that everyone else was paying and going to the parking lots to start their journey to wherever they were going next and were even paying parking tickets that seemed to just be randomly assigned to people. And when I tried to talk to them, they just said you had to pay for parking. It didn't take me long to figure out that a bunch of very low level bureaucrats had saved their jobs by convincing everyone that they needed their obsolete services and then when I woke up and turned on Coast, Ian was talking to Richard Bach about how people were programmed to do things and it fit the dream perfectly. Now, some people...like you, George...say that this isn't a coincidence at all because there are no coincidences and others say it means nothing because everything is just a meaningless coincidence and we would debate the issue at length if we had time but we don't. Because I want to practice some more medicine. I don't have a license or anything but what I lack in credentials I more than make up for in natural talent and enthusiasm. If I had a nickel for every satisfied patient I've ever played doctor with, I wouldn't need this crummy job. And I would have a nickel from each of them if it weren't for the stupid AMA saying that if I charge for my services, it's a crime. And then the Vice Squad said it would be illegal for a completely different reason. So that's why I'm doing this for free. This is your lucky day because you're getting a bunch of priceless medical care for free. I got this idea from Minx, my secretary: ----------------------------------------------- Need more energy? Here are some really surprising, non-caffeinated, ways to rev you up... 1. Change your socks. I know, odd, right? I read about this one over at Zen Habits. The advice is to bring an extra pair of socks to work and sometime around 3 p.m. when you hit your slump, take off your shoes and socks (and maybe air out your feet for a sec if you have a private office; if you don't, that would be a nada) and then put a fresh pair of socks on. Voila! "You'll be amazed at how much fresher you'll feel," write the Zen Habits bloggers. "This trick is especially handy on days with lots of walking." http://www.relaxinghub.com/2009/10/5-surprising-ways-to-get-more-energy.html ----------------------------------------------- She always gets really relaxed and energetic when she removes her socks...and other articles of clothing but we're just concentrating on socks here...so all the testing is already done and all you have to do is do it. Minx also loves having her feet rubbed, too, but I don't recommend that because while it works when I do it, when I hired a new girl to do it, suddenly she didn't like it anymore. I have to do more research on the foot rubbing girl before I can prescribe her. And it won't even cost you a nickel. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Robert W. Morgan, KHJ Los Angeles, February 22, 1969 2A (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 24th, 2009
3:30 pm	I'm Like Flypaper For The Emotionally Disturbed Have the writers and producers of Californication read My Life As A Freak Magnet? My research suggests that the answer is yes. And that gives me a great idea for a blog challenge, well I guess it's more a question than a challenge but calling it a Blog Question wouldn't be nearly as exciting: What influences you and why and how does it show up in your work? And, even more fascinating is the next question: Have you ever discovered that someone in the past has copied your style before you were even born? That has happened to me. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Hugh Hefner all patterned their lives after me. Come to think of it, Hank Moody did, too. But he did it after I was born and he added a kid and he's fictional. Close enough, though. So that would be The Blog Challenge Du Jour if we had time for it but we don't so we'll just get right onto Zoso, which is this week's episode. First though, did you know that there's a Californication game on YouTube? I played it and discovered that YouTube is not a very good gaming platform. It's OK but still annoying in far too many respects. I made it to Level Five before getting one wrong and I don't know how that happened. My best guess is that YouTube cheats. Anyway, I stopped playing at that point, so I don't know how it ends but I'm predicting that you don't get to see anyone naked since YouTube not only cheats but is also very uptight about nudity. That's enough of Today's Game Report...oh, there's a Hank Haiku game on the web site, too, if you're interested...so let's move onto Jackie. Or, even better, let her move onto us, because she is one heck of a good lap dancer. Hank learned that as he was doing his job as a good teacher. I still wish I had had a Prof like him when I was in college. I also wish I had had a roommate like Jackie. I wish I had a roommate like her right now, as a matter of fact. And an underling like Jill and a boss like Felicia. Well, Miss Big is a lot like Felicia but she isn't exactly lusting after me in a shameless, almost animalistic manner and that's a major problem. She reminds me a lot of Ava Gardner. Sure, she married me but then it was like she had a headache every single night, just because she found out I was sleeping with a few dozen girls who weren't her...oh, wait a minute, that was Frank. I get me and him confused all the time but it's his fault because he based his life on mine. Anyway, Miss Big should start acting a lot more like Felicia and a lot less like Ava. And what do you think of her one time only "Get Out Of Jail Free" card? Will it be just one time or will it be more like every time she passes GO? I'm betting on the latter (And that reminds me, I have to call my bookie, Shifty, The Norwegian before tomorrow, when the next episode airs). I predict that Hank will be like heroin to her and just once will be all it takes to get her hooked. And that's going to bring Hank an endless stream of miserably unhappy complications. The bright side is that her husband, Dean Koons, will finally find out and try something stupid and Hank will have to beat him to a pulp. And he'll fell bad about it, because as he tells Charlie afterward, "Yeah, he did deserve to have the shit beat out of him but I beat the shit out of him for all the wrong reasons. There were so many good reasons and opportunities and I fucked it all up by waiting until he found that I was fucking his wife. It was the one time he had every right to be a dick and that's when I beat the shit out of him. That's why I feel bad." I want to remind all of you in my religious conservative right wing base that it is Hank that uses all those words that just made your blood pressure spike, not me. Besides that, it was just a theoretical conversation from an upcoming episode that may never even take place, so just chill out already. And if you can't do that, at least write to Hank and tell him to watch his language, not me, because my language is fine. I think that pretty much covers everything. Except for the three-way lesbian scene between Jill, Jackie and Felicia but that's not going to happen till Sweeps, so try to forget it for now. OH! One more thing needs to be said. If the people like George Noory who say there are no coincidences are right, Marcy intentionally but still unknowingly sabotaged the sale of their house in one of the most embarrassing ways imaginable. Call me a hopeless romantic but I think that Charlie and Marcy are going to get back together. And I think that finally wraps up this one. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 23, 2009 (Comment on this)
Friday, October 23rd, 2009
3:00 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards The Party Theme Committee has gone all out this week to come up with something completely different for tonight: Scary People, Part Two. Last week, we had mostly writers, directors and actors who created scary fiction of all kinds and this week we have real scary people who did real scary things to real people. Miss Bunni, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer has had the veil between the living and the dead parted since Monday and has gotten us Al Capone, Bonnie and Clyde, Pretty Boy Floyd, John Dillinger, Charles Starkweather, Ma Barker, Ben Siegel and scores of others. The only real big disappointment is that Ted Bundy isn't here because he was here last year and Suzette said that once was enough. I still don't understand her reasoning. She won't let me invite Hitler, either. So we have to make do with the B Scary People List but I think we can get by. Especially since there are a couple of surprise last minute guests, too---Vic Mizzy and Soupy Sales. It's the first Friday night in the Hereafter for both of them and we were lucky to get them. It's also lucky that Nelson Riddle is here, too, because otherwise we wouldn't be able to hear the Green Acres Theme performed by the Nelson Riddle Orchestra conducted by Vic Mizzy. And, for Soupy, Brie, my Pastry Chef, has been baking pies all day, so don't be afraid to throw as many as you want. Another thing you shouldn't be afraid of are these, the drink that Fifi created for tonight: -------------------------------- The Graveyard Ingredients: * 1 oz Tabasco sauce * 1 oz Tequila * Lemon-lime soda Mixing instructions: Pour 1 oz of Tabasco Sauce over ice. Add 1 oz. of Tequila and fill glass with lemon-lime soda. Shake or stir and serve. Creator/contributor's comments: I give this drink to everyone on their 18th birthday when they're already drunk. It's spicy, it burns, and it's swe-eet. -------------------------------- It's just too bad that Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor were both busy tonight because it isn't the same when anyone else sings the Green Acres theme. Frank Sinatra and Judy Garland are going to give it their best shot, though, and maybe it'll be OK. Go mingle now. I'm going to go call Ben Bugsy again, because he loves it when I do that. Just one more thing. Don't touch the Kitty Litter Cake that Suzette made again even though I ordered her not to because I forbid it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday October 22, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
3:00 pm	IT OFFENDS MY VALUES!!!! What offends my values? Just about everything. You name it and there's a 95% chance that my values will find it offensive. That's not really why I titled this one that, though. It's mostly because Barrack said it this morning and it just sounds too good to not use as a title. Not that that made it worth having breakfast at the White House, though. Oh, the food is OK. This morning it was Egg McMuffins and these great cinnamon rolls...and I'm not big on cinnamon rolls but the ones at the White House are cool because they have the Presidential Seal embossed on them in frosting and caramel and cinnamon swirls and that just makes them taste better somehow. The problem is beverages. It's like the bartender refuses to recognize anything but coffee, milk, tea, juice and Bloody Mary's prior to noon and getting a Pepsi Max is like pulling teeth. Suddenly, it's like talking to a New York cab driver. All you want is to get to JFK in time to catch your flight and all he wants to do is push coffee on you. Well, the cab driver would try to talk you into adding $85 to your fare by driving by Ground Zero again but same difference. Either way, you're going to miss your flight and not get a Pepsi Max to boot. That's not entirely true but it may as well be. Because after a half hour of arguing, begging and pleading, the bartender will finally give you a Pepsi Max but then they make you sit at the kiddie table. Sheesh! Call a guy, "Mr. President," just once and it goes straight to his head and he thinks he can push you around all he wants. But first, you have to watch Suzette smirk at the bartender and say, "Now you know what it feels like to be me." And then you learn everything that's going on in the first and fourth grades and ballet and soccer and that was great but then when you got to Istanbul, you realized that it would probably have been more useful to sit at the grown-up table and learn a little more about the terrorists with nuclear weapons. Oh, don't worry about the terrorists. That mess was cleaned up. Mostly. I think. The important thing is that I finally got a Pepsi Max. And I learned my lesson. I am never ever going to another State Breakfast that's really a high level security meeting that turns out to be more of a grade school briefing because they make you sit at the kiddie table but you have to call it a State Breakfast so the press doesn't freak out and needlessly panic everyone with story after story about terrorists with nuclear bombs, because they offend my values! Well, I might, the next time I need a cinnamon roll with the Presidential Seal embossed on it with frosting and caramel and cinnamon swirls. But I am leaving Suzette at home. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Wednesday October 21, 2009 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
3:04 pm	I Feel Fine When I Have Chocolate, Cheese And Wine, Volume Two This is the sort of thing that would drive you right into a terminal panic attack and/or a terminal case of inconsolable depression and that's OK. Because you're not me and no one else but me could face this kind hopeless adversity and not only retain his sanity but also crank out yet another perfect award winning...probably a Pulitzer this time because I haven't gotten one of them in months...blog post. That's why you should fall down on your hands and knees right now and thank the imaginary being of your choice...I recommend Wonder Woman, because that's who I worship but any of them will do, Superman, God, Batman, Little Orphan Annie, etc etc etc---your options are endless so just pick one you like and go with it...that I'm here. Because who else could do this? Dave Barry? Don't make me laugh! Weren't you paying attention? I just gave you the answer! No one but me! Stick around after class because I want to have a word with you about your inadequate attention span but right now, answer this, "If Dave Barry came home to find that both his Title Department and Blog Post Theme Committee had taken the day off, could he do this?" NO!!! He'd just light a $20 million cigar with a $10 million bill and call it a day. That's not how I roll, though. And, as you can see, I've already come up with a clever, witty and completely original tittle. I don't need all those girls. I'm just fine on my own. In fact, I'm better without them. I wouldn't have them here at all if it weren't for all the money I'm getting from the federal English Majors Bailout to keep them employed. And if they didn't look so good in their uniforms. Especially on Topless Tuesdays. Thank Wonder Woman they weren't absent yesterday. But who cares that they aren't here today? Not me. I'm completely self sufficient! I don't need anyone for anything! Except Fifi. I told her to get me a beer a full eight seconds ago and I'm still waiting! But I'm not even letting that stop me. I have done the impossible by coming up with a great title and now I'm going to do the impossible again by coming up with a theme. But I'm going to do that in I Feel Fine When I Have Chocolate, Cheese And Wine, Volume Three because I'm thirsty and I can't work under these conditions! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Tuesday October 20, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
3:07 pm	I Feel Fine When I Have Chocolate, Cheese And Wine I feel really bad again because I can't remember what's his names' name on WGN. No, not King John. Or Kathy. Or Judy. Or the retired but never forgotten Spike. Or even Ian, who hasn't worked there in decades but will never be forgotten anyway. I mean the afternoon guy. You know, Elton Jim's sidekick. I feel kind of good that I remember the "Paragraph That Pays!" Which is, "I feel fine when I have Chocolate, Cheese And Wine." But then I feel bad again because I don't know when to tell you to use it. It might be today or tomorrow or possibly Friday. Then again, I don't feel too bad about that because if I did all your homework for you, how would you ever learn anything? Just to be safe, maybe you should say, "I feel fine when I have chocolate, cheese and wine," every time you see Elton Jim for the next three weeks or so and you just might win some great prizes. And don't worry about me and my failing memory. I'll be just fine. In fact, the failing memory thing isn't even my fault. It's because I'm still in a state of shock from having found out that the Balloon Boy was really the Attic Boy and now reality TV has invaded and disrupted emergency services and major airports and is no longer afraid to indulge in child abuse to gain higher interest and ratings. Um, OK, you're right, I guess Jon And Kate already broke the child abuse barrier but they never took it to the next level by making their kids throw up during live interviews. I haven't been this shocked since I found out that Michael Jackson was killed by drugs administered by an irresponsible doctor. Or since I found out that Billy Mays used cocaine. This has been one hugely shocking year already and it's only October! Never mind all that, though. Just go out and find Elton Jim and win some great prizes. And if you see what's his name, tell him I really like his work. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday October 19, 2009 (Comment on this)